silverwolfcc (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
silverwolfcc) wrote2012-12-31 05:15 am
silverwolfcc) wrote2012-12-31 05:15 am
Check your Privilege / BASIC HUMANITY / One World aaaaaaaarrrrrgh
How did I even get back on this?!
IDER. FIRST OFF YAY FOR HOMESTUCK and Caliborn calling Jake racist because I REALLY enjoy Hussie using Kankri and Caliborn to point out the completely stupid shit on tumblr.
Secondly however, I have so many problems with this, as I always do.
If you are reading this, you have access to a fucking computer, internet, and live in a time where both of those things exist. As neither is a primary function that is found in the wild, and therefore, while I do think both help people to survive; it still means, your other basic necessities for life have been taken care of; ie, food, water, and a warm enough place to type without freezing your fingers literally off due to frostbite. Maybe you are using special software not to type, but whether that is out of choice or to make up for an inability to type, this is still something to be grateful for as you were born into a time and place where the technology was available in some form or another, even if it took extreme amounts of work and help to get it!
And that is, in essence, just the start of my entire fucking problem with this.
Thomas Aquinas wrote about how he didn't like the use the seven deadly sins as a means to try to counterbalance the 7 Heavenly Virtues. It brought too much focus on trying not to do something which people would invariably slip up, because humans do that. We're fallible, we screw up, oops! And yes, while the "check your privilege" mantra is all about "don't feel guilty, we all make mistakes!" it is still about trying to remind other people not to slip up and/or to stop slipping up.
HUMANITY.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MORALLY POLICE ONE ANOTHER ON THEIR TERMS OF LANGUAGE AND WHETHER OR NOT THEY ARE DOING ENOUGH TO HELP OUT ONE ANOTHER.
Instead, it is your job as an individual, as a human being living within the same confines as the rest of us to help out one another and contribute what you can, the best you can, even if some days that just means being a friend to someone who needs a friend.
Protip: Telling someone to check their privilege is not being a good friend.
Even in the discourse on "how to do this" it says you are supposed to listen more than speak. That's great, but if that's the case, isn't it staggering that they can go on for five+ pages about this? Don't get me wrong, I talk PLENTY. And in an often one-sided completely ranting, flipping my shit kind of way.
But I do not ever tell people not to talk that much. I'll fucking wait them out, okay? Sometimes people need to rant, or write 80 pages of a shitty fic about weird things that no one can decipher, at least they're trying!
I don't have to like their fics, and I'm rarely forced to read them (ANYMORE BELIEVE ME I USED TO BE) but even if I was (like if say I was masochistic enough to review them as a job) I can still acknowledge they had to put a lot more hours of time, work, and energy, and I hope thought, far more than I had to do to write a review about it, good or bad.
Believe it or not, trying to review people on how they live their lives is generally going to be a bad idea.
I KNOW, I KNOW. This is like heresy, right? It's an age-old tradition since the dawn of humanity. Don't get me wrong, this is not to be confused with saying, "We shouldn't have laws, regulations, or respect that one another's actions affect each other." Laws: moral, governmental, societal, or otherwise, are there to try to make things works. They don't always help, they sometimes have unintended consequences, sometimes they even make things worse, but they are an attempt. They are made by fallible people, and as a consequence, they are also fallible. What I do mean is things that do not affect others.
In it, it speaks of intention. "Intention is not an excuse," okay fine, but everyone needs to use the good intentions for better. I'm going to use Tiger & Bunny for this example. Tiger is always well-meaning but frequently his good intentions have horrible consequences. He bent down to pick up a pen which knocked it into the street instead where it was run over by a car. As it was an accident, one must remember to forgive him and indeed, acknowledge that nothing was purposely done wrong! Simply saying "Be more careful next time" will do nothing. He was already trying to be careful, he was trying to be helpful! Instead someone who knows of his clutzy nature or shall we say "bad luck" would have to take the steps upon themselves to try to do their best to channel it.
Don't get me wrong, I get frustrated with my Mom's good intentions but god-awful results all the time. However, as good as it might feel to let off the steam about it, telling her to do better won't solve it. The only way I can is try to understand how her brain (ADHD + memory loss) led her to such an odd course of events and do my best to counterbalance it.
And believe it or not, for all my talk of fallible humans? This is actually something we're fucking best at. We do not tell a river to stop flowing or to flow in a different direction. We try to ford it, cross it, or better still, use it to the best of our advantages. We might even dam it up, but either way, the river is not ours to control, all we can do is dig a path and try to divert it, or use it, or so forth.
That being said, I realize that trying to get someone who is accidentally saying racist shit to not say that by guiding them into more appropriate language and/or thinking, might be a big part of trying to get them to check their privilege, so I will elaborate.
Someone who genuinely isn't racist and genuinely doesn't mean to be horrible doesn't need to be told about how their life was comparatively easier than other peoples and that they need to acknowledge they have an added advantage over people who grew up in the worst districts in the Hunger Games. They can just be told the right language, like Ike's facepalm-worthy first meeting with the Beorcs. Someone who is racist, intentionally so, even, isn't going to give a flip. More likely, historically speaking (Nazis, parts of the deep south of America, parts of Asia, Africa, New Yorkers who shove Hindus onto subway tracks citing the Twin Towers; NEED I GO ON?) they themselves feel victimized and blame the group they are racist towards.
So yes, I applaud everyone who would ever consider themselves a social justice warrior on at least trying to do something good. There is a general mindset of "victim vs. oppressor" and at least they are attempting to side with the underdog.
WHY THEN, I STILL HAVE A PROBLEM:
Because not everything is clear-cut. Many people consider themselves a victim of something. Being born in a shitty time, place, with bad genetics, being poor, being oppressed etc.
Just because lots of people feel that way doesn't mean that they aren't. There are some very strong cases that even in the richest, happiest, most equal opportunity places in the world, there is still some problems with discrimination, racism, classism, health, problems in life.
Yeah, I mock first world problems a lot, but I do it with a grain of salt. I am already aware that whining about my iPod dying isn't the same as a pet dying, or a child, or a parent, or my entire neighborhood being demolished. I am aware of that because, I do, in fact, have empathy. Empathy doesn't require you to actually walk a mile in another man's shoes, it requires you to try to imagine and put yourself in their position and ask what you, yourself would do under those circumstances. Saying sympathy, not empathy, as the article I linked does; is bullshit.
I don't want your fucking sympathy. And someone without legs does not want MY sympathy. You know why? Because it's incredibly condescending and infuriating.
Sympathy is fine, but it doesn't do anything. It's an emotion similar to sorrow on behalf of someone else. Well I don't want anyone feeling remotely close to "sad" for me. I DO WANT PEOPLE'S EMPATHY.
You know why? Because it's really difficult to express what it's like to be me. And your sympathy doesn't cut it. If you just feel bad on my behalf, that doesn't do anything. It's not comprehensive, it doesn't stick and it is a little like if I just spent 7 hours leveling up in a video game and I said "MAN THAT WAS ANNOYING AS HELL BUT I DID IT! I AM NOW LEVEL 90! TIME TO BEAT THE NEXT BOSS" and someone said "My sympathies." Um. Why? It's an accomplishment. You're feeling bad for me that my life is so pathetic that I just spent 7 hours playing a video game and bragged about it to people? WELL I guess that is a little pathetic... (unsure) Or maybe it's because everyone else can beat those levels in 4 hours, but hey I have CFIDS so it took me nearly twice as long, sucks to be me.
Now, someone giving me empathy about it, EVEN IF THEY DO NOT PLAY VIDEO GAMES, can understand that there was struggle, even if fictional and ridiculous and my active choice to do this as "entertainment", and enjoy my achievement as a friend and empathize with the silliness of working so hard at something that may or may not come far far easier to others.
Katawa Shoujo actually did hit it on the nail when it comes to Emi and Rin I think. They both do something for the sake of it, even though the things they do are extra hard for them. Emi is a runner despite having lost her legs below the knees, and Rin is a painter despite having no arms. Does their "disadvantage" make their accomplishments any less of an accomplishment? Does the added attention to what and who they are make up for it? Does it matter? Emi doesn't run so that you will approve of the fact that she runs, just as Oscar Pistorius (Olympic runner with the leg blades) doesn't run just to bring light or focus onto special olympics.
Simply saying you've never been an amputee so you can't understand them is insane, and is, in fact, extraordinarily more "ableist" (ewww I had to used that in a sentence, I feel dirty) than simply trying to empathize. You know why? Because you do not have to be in a wheelchair to sit in one, roll around, try to move and realize it takes insane amounts of upper arm strength and that there are a lot of places that are not wheelchair accessible. Sympathy for someone in a wheelchair doesn't do much for them. Now, if you go "I was in a wheelchair for a month and I know it can be tough, but suck it up, because I did it so you can too!" That is not empathy, that is just being a dick. If you have never even been in a wheelchair, however, you can still empathize with how it's hard to open doors when your hands are being actively used for something else and then decide to get the door. Someone with sympathy just feels bad for them. Maybe says "Yeah man, I understand it's hard for you to open doors," on a website forum, but you can hopefully see where that might come off as incredibly condescending, yes?
Sympathy is for situations we can do nothing about. Now, I have CFIDS, no one can change that. INCLUDING MY DOCTORS. But at least people can fucking try. Many MANY MANY great things in this world have come about because people tried to do something even when they thought it was impossible or pointless. If you want to sympathize for the fact that I have CFIDS, don't. Save it for someone else. When I whine about my CFIDS, I am, in fact, looking and hoping for empathy. And quite honestly, the reason I was SO SO SO SHY about telling anyone about my CFIDS and/or the many many numerous problems associated with it is because I expect to get sympathy which I do not want. Sympathy makes me personally, uncomfortable. I'm sure there are a lot of people who do great with it, but I'm not one of them. Hell, 9/10ths of the reasons I mock First World Problems is because a lot of them are looking for sympathy, not empathy. Indeed, when someone whines about their First Class seat on an airplane having a tv on nearby that they are already tuning out with headphones; I very much doubt they want your empathy. Not "I understand how that can be tough." and then in the future to double check with everyone around them before putting their tvs on. Now, checking with that one person, she could just approach her friend and point out she's trying to read, could the tv be turned another way? And you know what that friend might say? "Check your privilege lady, the tv is bolted down, it doesn't turn. Sorry, you'll have to ignore it or do you think I should be devoid of entertainment, I didn't bring a book." And she could say, "Check *your* privilege Mister, I'm doing something far more productive and IMPORTANT with my time! Next time maybe you should read a book!"
And so on, and so forth. Have I mentioned how much I hate that phrase yet?
The thing is, neither side are actually trying to help each other come to better understanding. Each side feels wronged and victimized. Lady is all "Why can't I just read in peace?" Man is all like "The hell is her problem, why can't I just watch my movie in peace?" And meanwhile as they argue about who comes from a better/worse financial/racial/gender/historical advantaged background; hundreds of people several rows back are chilling out in 3rd class with crying babies.
Your life is hard. You know why? Because you're a human. I don't fucking care if you're Native American, Black, Latino, Irish, immigrant, emigrant, man, woman, tranny, child, Hindu, Muslim, Catholic, or anything else. It's all cool. You should learn your history about many things because they might help you and others, but if you are more pinged by one culture or region or another, that's awesome! It's good motivation to learn! But you shouldn't try to force anything on anyone else period. And you cannot possibly, possibly understand or know their circumstances or how they treated by society or not without knowing them as a person.
If you consider your life easy, that's awesome! Keep it up, and if you can, maybe help out the rest of us! But rest assured, the minute you assume *any* gender, race, financial, educational, religious, or other difference completely made someone's life easier or harder, you are in fact, being racist yourself. Even the richest, whitest, "best advantaged" boy I've ever known, whose parents are easily in the 1% wealth range of the U.S., whose parents are world-class PHD scholars and traveled internationally because of it; actually experienced far more racism, prejudice, and what I would consider fairly extreme "hardships," than I ever did.
Anytime you invalidate another human being's personal experiences as being atypical of their demographic; you are being a dick. Stop it.
It doesn't take a lot to empathize with me... I hope? I don't want you to feel bad that I have a headache, I want you to remember that whatever headaches you had sucked balls and then realize that I have them nearly constantly.
I THINK, and I certainly hope, that when they say they don't want empathy, they mean they don't want it to become a pissing contest of who had the most pain; and/or "well I had a headache once and it was really bad, but it went away, therefore I know yours will go away soon too!" However, there are some extremely large leaps and bounds in logic here. First off, keeping in mind that not everyone's experiences are the same, then it should be easy to understand that my headaches =/= your headaches. AND I WILL TRY TO THE SAME! ie: "Damn my migraines ALWAYS go away with acupuncture, ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T TRY NEEDLES?!" because that is just some straight-up bullshit right there. However; empathy isn't making giant leaps of conclusion to "I was sick once and therefore it is the same." No, empathy is understanding, "I had the flu once and it was AWFUL. You're really like that almost all the time but with giant intermittent periods? THAT IS SOME CRAZY SHIT! Wow is there anything I can do?" and I can say "Nah, it's all right, it'll pass, just now you know why I might disappear or whine a lot about headaches, you know?" And then my friends will be like "Cool story bro," and then the next time I'm not online for long periods they can be like, "OH I SEE, this is what she meant!" and take that into account.
Yeah, it sucks that I am asking for a different consideration than you might normally give other people; BUT (AND HERE IS WHERE IT GETS SIGNIFICANT) I actually think you probably SHOULD give those considerations to other people. If you really aren't presuming to understand all the real life (or OTHER) circumstances going on with someone, then give everyone the benefit of the doubt. This isn't to say "and let yourself be duped/used" what it is to say is that "just because a black male conned you once upon a time doesn't mean all black guys are con artists." I KNOW, CRAZY RIGHT? But there persists this myth regarding privilege that in order to make everything equal, people who are privileged must in some way "give up" their "advantages" to those less privileged, and that this way the privileged can use them to climb the ladder of success to equality.
I'm here to say, that is bullshit.
First off, simply acknowledging and telling other people that you understand that you have an advantage over someone who is of a different background is seriously condescending as all get-out. I've said this before, but seriously. I don't want anyone to ever tell me they have advantages over me. I will kick you all in the shins, shove you into the dirt and stand on you before I pass out before I accept such a thing. Who are you to think your life was in some way easier than mine because of something a third party MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE DONE? Screw you. If you want to "check your privilege" instead of wasting dumbass time online, go help people. I KNOW. CRAZY RIGHT? Seriously though. It'll give you a chance to empathize with them instead of just sympathizing for them from afar. Oh yes, wave to the peons, and their lowly miserable lives of poverty and class warfare. How sad for them. Fuck that noise, go be Jesus, go live with lepers and do your best to cure them. You don't even have to be that drastic, as I already said above, you can just help people by being a good friend. And if you are painfully shy and awkward and the internet is all you have; you can always write articles, instead, bringing light to certain issues to the people who will also help out. What does not work is sitting around on certain corners of the internet stroking each other's egos and arguing about correct terminology.
Secondly, other people having an advantage doesn't mean the advantage has to go away for someone else. There is not a limited number of privileges given out at the privilege store at birth and only the lucky are blessed to start off with them so they must given them away to people without them. If being Christian is a U.S. advantage, I cannot give it away to someone who is not Christian. I could spread it, but only to someone willing to become Christian, and my own personal philosophy is that religion should be like water; nourishing, cleansing, usually relatively passive, but never forced or you'll just drown them. Now, that being said, am I sympathetic to the struggles facing atheists who do not have the support network that religious communities provide to their flock? No. I am, however, empathetic. I can understand what it's like to be alone and friendless, but I don't think it's "extra hard" to be atheist, or even "extra hard" to be Muslim. I believe there are some extreme struggles faced with all these things, and that as a good human being I would like to say "it doesn't matter that you're atheist or Muslim, let me try to help with that problem you are having, and if I can't do that, at least I will try to understand it better." This is part of that "LISTENING" thing the link talked about.
Moreover, this is something you should do with everyone and no amount of privilege should ever factor into it. None. I was blessed to have nerd parents who are both Catholic, go me! But before you think that was all sunshine and roses; Parochial school, sucked, I was forced to write book reports on chapters of the bible, my Dad taught CCD so I had to get there two hours early, oh and there are a lot of atheists who compare my religion to child abuse. So what does that all mean? Nothing really. There's no context. Did I hate reading the bible? Not really. I liked reading about Saints and I still continue it. Did I have an advantage in that both my parents are Catholic so that I was brought up with more access to the Catechism and books on saints, and an easy way to get volunteer jobs with church doing summer school? I... guess? I also was fortunate enough to be blessed with such wonderful parents that allowed me to read books on any other religion; which I did. I went atheist when I was 8 and refused to believe in Catholicism, hell I even set out to disprove it. What does it all mean? Nothing. There are advantages and disadvantages to everything. YES, EVEN HAVING RICH PARENTS HAS DISADVANTAGES. My parents gave me both more and less freedom than pretty much anyone my age. But a lot of this was because I put a lot of pressure on myself, so they never wanted to add to it in that respect. However, having lived in two very wealthy suburbs in MA which already has top-notch education & tends to be wealthier in general; I've had many friends I can say had some really big hurdles I didn't have to face, just because their parents were rich and well-educated.
One of my friends had to move three times and her Dad was the top brain surgeon at UMass. He hated his job because while he wanted to save lives, he had problems similar to the main character in Monster (not Johan Libert). You see he had to deal a lot with the politics in both the teaching money and grants, the office pressure, and then the current state of the medical field wherein rich/famous people often get priority treatment rather than assessing everyone's best shot to live or not. My friend herself was under a lot of stress from that as she both wanted to follow in his footsteps, and yet not. Meanwhile her Mom and my Mom wound up having a lot in common because they both had to deal with appearing to be a "single parent" and always having to say "No, there are just other circumstances involved" as my friend's Dad was often on call, at work, or trying to get in a few hours of sleep. Meanwhile she never faced any notable hardships as a girl, but neither of us are arrogant enough to assume that other women do face hardships just because we didn't. However, I have no doubt my friend would be annoyed to have someone assume that it was harder for her to go get through school and swimming just because she's a tall woman.
The most "privileged" white boy I knew (aforementioned several paragraphs back) was under extreme amounts of stress. His Mom was a human rights lawyer for the U.N., his Dad was in geriatrics. His Dad's Jewish, his Mom was Christian but converted to Judaism for the marriage. I can't even begin to list the amount of stress they put him under. In part because his IQ was 186 so they didn't want him to waste it, but also because of who and what and how and where he was born. Hell, maybe this is why the idea of "checking privilege" gets me so riled up. My friend himself, was forced to live in at least 3 rather extreme situations. One, the streets of L.A. where his childhood friends gave him a knife for his sixth birthday so that he could protect himself against gangs and not get killed. Six. Yeah. Oh he was sure as hell privileged all right. Another, was in Argentina where he learned to use bolos and grapple emus, also his foreign exchange family there has mafia connections and the girl of the family threatened to have me killed if I broke his heart. ^_^ Charming, right? And the third he hated the most, actually, which was in Paris, France! Wherein his lousy French (he knew 8 languages but was best at Spanish which is not his first language) and being an American got him roughed up, spit at, kicked out of two restaurants, and knifed. After which point he begged his mother not to make him stay and to let him go anywhere else, even if she had to stay there for work.
Oh, but he was super duper privileged all right. Mansion, car, saxophone lessons, Russian lessons, he lived in a town where being Jewish is about as cool and accepted as it can get (my town is awesome sometimes) and the only time he went hungry is when he dropped out of college to join a band in Philadelphia. It was also the only time I saw him really and truly actually happy(ish).
Don't assume demographics explain people. They don't. Don't assume you have any advantage over someone else, and don't assume that someone else has an advantage on you.
I played baseball with the boys up until middle school (by which time I started having allergies and my Dad had CFIDS so I didn't do any organized sports for a bit until high school) in it there were about three different ways the guys would handle me being a girl in the men-only sport rather than me playing softball with the girls. Those who would go easier on me, let me have slower balls, or the coaches who would give me a fourth chance rather than 3 strikes and out; those who would actively try to get me out of the game by throwing the balls at me or being more insulting than they were to the other guys; and the third who never gave a fuck.
The first I appreciated, but I did my best to make them regret it by slamming the ball as hard as I could when I could, the second I accepted as the consequences of doing something "daring and rare" and frankly, by this point I was bullied for being tiny as hell, all kinds of nerdy, and a permanent "new kid," so I dealt with it because my choices were to stick it out or go play softball instead, and the third I was chill with, but I hated that there was still a "GIRLS HAVE COOTIES" thing back then so we couldn't really and truly be "friends" however I tried. (Being friends with the girl meant being picked on themselves, and while I wouldn't have wanted that on a friend, I didn't realize that at the time, I was just withdrawn and accepted it.)
It's easy to say "[Straight/Cisgender] Guys have such an advantage! They can play the sport they like with other guys and not have to worry about it!" but it doesn't mean anything. I chose to play baseball, and I literally did know the consequences. I was friends with two Brazilian boys my Mom babysat and they said they'd watch out for me so I wouldn't get beat up, and that was why I was willing to face the consequences. But it doesn't mean anything. Guys would take a ton of flack if they wanted to play softball instead. More flack than I did. And can you imagine how much a guy would get beat up if he did Field hockey? Hell, I know guys who were scared of doing honor guard because it might be perceived as too girlie and they were right! A couple of seniors harassed them after I pulled a Haruhi Suzumiya and got them to help me out for the parade anyway. And that's for honor guard. Which is something the police have in every parade, and the military started. Yeah, really girlie, I'm sure.
Just; internet: stahp.
Your advantages mean nothing. It's not about what you were born with or without. It's what you do with the choices you can make in life, and helping each other out. It's about being the best person you can be, and "privileges" have nothing to do with it.
My family used the word privilege for; I'm going to call it, "BRIBES." Aka, you have a responsibility to pick up your shit, and maybe even your little brother's because he ain't old enough to pick it up himself. You can call that oldest sibling privilege if you'd like. But the privileges were things like watching tv, computer time, internet time, the chance to just go read away from nagging psychos. Hell, if you were REALLY good you might get to go Chuck E. Cheese's or something. (When my parents first started dealing with the double whammy of Laura & Moosey both having ADHD they were told by experts various parenting methods and went through LOTS of different systems, including one with storing up "privilege points" which could be spent on things. I had issues in that I hated spending points. I still do. Eventually my own counselor had to ask them to find a way to get me to work less because it was getting ridiculous. No seriously. And I was the only one who was doing anything to earn the privilege points so they decided that wasn't working.)
I suppose hypothetically while I was using the tv, I had an advantage over my siblings they did not. We only had one tv at the time and that meant if I used my privilege, it'd be "mine"-ish. However, does the fact that I often worked to get said privilege mean that my siblings were anymore disadvantaged? Not really. If we both worked that hard, my Mom would have gotten a job outside the house and gotten a second tv because she wouldn't be needed *in* the house.
Now, could I have said to my siblings, "Well you have ADHD and I don't, so here, have my privilege points." Well, HYPOTHETICALLY, yes. I would have had to have been a lot more cunning, thwarted my parents plans, and been willing to lie, but sure. Would this really give them that privilege though?
Privilege is a right or immunity not granted to others. I did the chore so I earned the "privilege" (which I mostly used on computer time or saaaaaaaaaaaaaved like crazy) but just because I don't have ADHD doesn't really mean it was that much easier for me. I have my own problems. I was born the oldest, but I can't help that. There are actually also advantages to being born a few years younger than me. My siblings had far less expectations put on them, they never had the same struggles to be allowed to do "basic things" the way I was, (my parents banned me from dating until I was 16, I started dating when I was 13, only told Laura, she tattled on me, but by 14 my parents realized exactly what I told them; they were just going to have to trust me because I didn't want to have sex yet and if I had, I didn't have to be dating to go do that, so the more we could be open and talk about things, the more safe I'd be because holla; hiding it was more dangerous than if they trusted me so I was able to trust them back) indeed by the time Moosey was in middle school he was not only allowed video games, but they became his special "homework reward." And yet I was banned from video games until I was 14 and that was only because Laura was given a Gameboy from her foster parents and my parents figured that yes, it was unfair to let Laura be allowed a simple safe joy in life that the rest of us were denied.
However, I am not so arrogant as to ever assume it's easy to have ADHD. I have never ever had problems with ADHD. Even where it's really common in CFIDS. In fact since my Dad has ADD, my Mom has ADHD, and both brothers have ADHD, and Laura has ADD+, counselors insisted I probably just developed techniques to deal with it. I'm pretty sure that's incorrect. I have yet to meet someone with ADHD who can multi-task. Moosey, my Mom, my Dad, Luffy-bro, and Laura are all experts at hyper-focusing. I am incapable of it. Seriously, I can't tune people out even if I try. I never could, and I have seriously tried. There are advantages and disadvantages to that. I get depressed when bored more than my family (and they can be MOSTLY easier to entertain than me --> However in trying to find things to do, this is how I became a workaholic, and took up reading an entire library and then writing when I still had too many hours in the day) but I also can do more than them. Or rather, could before CFIDS. I didn't get distracted during homework, and while I couldn't hyperfocus so it took me much longer to do my math homework than it ever took my brothers when they hyperfocused, I still got it done and turned in way more often because I wouldn't forget or lose it. I can, however, empathize that it was difficult for them to lose and/or forget. I couldn't back then, but that was because I wasn't smart enough to understand that our struggles through school were so very very different from each other. Yet; they still had a commonality. Different, but the same.
People always say "separate but not equal is not equal!" Whether in regards to race segregation, gender equality, or sometimes same-sex marriage. I agree with this. The U.S. is not equal with Canada. We're damned similar; culturally, governmentally, and historically, and I'm certainly not willing to say either of us is better or worse than the other. But we're not equal. However it's fucking arrogant to assume a Canadian can't empathize or understand what it's like to be American. We both have different struggles, but they are struggles. Canada and the U.S. are different, but we're still similar and getting into a pissing contest over who has it rougher accomplishes nothing. Nor does Canada going "I understand that I have an educational privilege over your people because your country hasn't caught up to speed on the international charts" or the U.S. going "And I get that you are poorer in GDP than us because of all my industries." Neither means jack on a comprehensive large scale. They mean exactly what they mean. There are differences to growing up Canadian to American. Advantages, disadvantages, it doesn't freaking matter, we still have close borders, a close alliance, and things we do affect each other.
If you would give up your acting part in a play just because you're a Christian hetero white male in the U.S. and you think the 1/2 black 1/2 Asian Hindu Transgender deserves the part instead, you're an idiot and you shouldn't be calling yourself an actor, you should call yourself a model because apparently all you think that matters is superficial skin. Is it hard to be a transgender 1/2 black 1/2 Asian Hindu actor? I'm sure it is, because I'm not saying there aren't directors who do judge on looks/superficial/THOSE THINGS; even if they don't mean to. However, facing hurdles in life makes you stronger. No, this doesn't mean "SO SUCK IT UP!" Nor does it make the hurdles you faced any less painful. But rather than thinking they were more painful for you (or someone else) at least you can both be empathetic that the hurdles are there. It is hard for anyone get an acting role. In school plays, in community plays, and the bigger up you go, the harder it gets. Many Hollywood actors have to deal with each part the play literally becoming a part of their identity publicly or privately, and many work sometimes 16 hours (or more) a day. It's also insanely difficult to be Eiichiro Oda, he gets about 3 hours of sleep and worked 18 to 21 hours a day.
Let's call this the human race. The finishing line is when you die, but we keep running, because it's just us and the track, and all the other 7 billion racers. Some people start way ahead of you, but everyone has hurdles. And if there is someone without a hurdle? That doesn't mean you should throw a hurdle in his way to make the playing field even. What we should all be doing, is simply trying to help each other get over the hurdles. Life is hard. Sometimes it gets easier. Sometimes we've been running and jumping so many hurdles we finally get stronger, faster, and better at this. Sometimes there are patches with really short hurdles or none at all. But as humans, we have a great gift in being able to try to help one another. Now maybe the first few times you try to help you don't get them over the hurdle so much as knock them down and you along with it. But it's okay, because the secret is, you can't win the race. You can only be happy and make it easier for yourself and others.
So let's take that whitest, richest, super-duper advantaged boy I knew as one last example, one more time. Does the fact that he had more hurdles than me means he earned being ahead of me in the race? Or that my hurdles were any less of a struggle for me? Or even that for the time we ran neck and neck together that I hadn't worked "extra hard" to make up for lost ground to get to where we both were? No, it doesn't mean anything like that at all. Because in the long run, the struggles don't mean anything against each other. It's not just comparing apples and oranges; we both had family problems, similar backgrounds, migraines, super-smart parents, etc. However, we didn't have to be in competition with each other. It wasn't "me" vs. "him" or "who is more right" or "who has it harder?" We both had it hard. He faced more discrimination than I did during his lifetime, he also traveled more and didn't have to save up one week at a time to get his own bass guitar. And?
Those things don't sum up the whole of who he is. I never even said his name in this entry. They sure as hell don't sum up the whole of me. And yet neither of us went and finished our super elite college plans because life got in the way. He found he was happier just doing music, and I got CFIDS. He had (has?) a 186 IQ and arguably "every advantage" in the book, and he dropped out to ride trains and play in bars before he was even old enough to legally drink.
A very smart woman once wrote, "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." If indeed, you yourself are not racist, then you do not consider people inferior to you. If you do consider someone inferior to you on the basis of race, intellect, gender, sexual orientation, etc; I suggest you take a very VERY good hard look at yourself. Assuming however, you are like me and consider people equal to you, then you shouldn't treat any one group of people "SUPER EXTRA DIFFERENTLY" than any other. I'm sorry but I don't consider it that much braver to be a black cosplayer than to just be a cosplayer period. It takes guts, hard work, and a lot of daring, and possible willingness to be ridiculed. I also don't consider it less brave for a Japanese person to cosplay because I'm aware that being an otaku in Japan is not paradise. See, I have the internet, and also I know a simple fact; some people are judgmental dicks. American, racist, Japanese, Spanish, German, French, Italian, or other. IT HAPPENS. And no, I'm not going to take responsibility for an American dick just because he's American. So he's American and I am too, AND? Why would you assume that to mean I'm a dick too unless you are also being a dick! People are different, there are some commonalities. Sometimes on that giant race track we can knock into one other or kick hurdles in someone else's way, but I don't understand why you would want to. They will not lessen your own hurdles, and it'll just mean less people will want to help you over yours, or hell, there might even be less people able to help you if you do that.
And yeah, sometimes we do that adding hurdles thing by accident, but it gets easier. You don't have to acknowledge that you started a different maybe even "further advanced" racing point than others, and you sure as hell don't need to go around pointing out to other people they started ahead of you. You see, that's rather dickish. You are either treating them as an inferior (saying they couldn't get there on their own, when in fact, no one could, and the starting point means nothing really) or you are saying they are superior to you. In which case, stop that as well. People aren't born "superior" to you and don't have it thrust upon them. You're equals. You're on the same shitty race track to nowhere, just enjoy the ride and for the love of god, stop throwing hurdles at each other.
If you want to help someone "less advantaged" than you, then you can actually help them over their obstacles. NEVER assume your hurdles were tougher (or easier!) and it doesn't really matter if they were or not. Hell if you want, you can help out super rich people over their hurdles, because they are still hurdles and if those people are around you, then there's your opportunity! The hurdles come in different shapes and sizes, maybe there are more people around to help the rich and famous people with their hurdles, but maybe not, you can't really know unless you are with them. And hey, if hurdles get thrown your way, maybe you find out what the fuck you did (if anything, sometimes haters just gonna hate) to deserve that, but in general, you'll just have to keep on jumping. Or die. =\
As for helping other people, just freaking help people. Friends, family, coworkers, strangers, why does it have to matter what race/creed/ANYTHING ELSE that they were? Have an example, in Winnipeg, Canada, they had a 228 Pay it Forward chain. News link here in which no one sat there asking if the person behind them was any richer, poorer, blacker, whiter, Jewish, Christian, atheist, or disabled. They just kept going "I'll pay for the next person after me." 228 times. This may seem like a small hurdle, but it could mean a lot to someone who could barely scrape enough money together! Or maybe it restored their faith in the friendliness of their fellow Canadians, or maybe it just made them happy to know that so many people were willing to continue on what one person had started.
For the final person in the chain, maybe they too will continue or start a new chain by buying someone a cup of coffee later or maybe they were literally hoping for a miracle because they could barely afford a meal, and bam! Miracle achieved.
If you would only have paid it forward for someone who was transgender, then I guess at least you helped out someone? But to then go into a big thing about how all these people kept paying for a possible tyrant and someone who might be really against gay rights, or a racist, etc. all I can say is, "STFU You are are harshing our runner's high." You don't have to assume the best in humanity, but at least stop assuming the worst. People should help each other out because they're people. If you want to hang out and help out people of a different background more, that's fine. But for the love of everything, don't tell people they shouldn't help out people of a certain race/creed/religion/ETC. because that's ridiculously, insanely, biased. You are either saying I am inferior to you thanks to my disability, or you're saying people without my disability are inferior to me. And both ways are fucked up.
It is not a sin to be born.
Just. Repeat that a thousand times if need be. And then remind yourself that includes of any different race, nationality, religion (omfg this is annoying, how do SJWs even handle this) and so on and so forth. I do not carry the sins of anyone but me. But I am part of the same humanity as you, and I understand how tough the road and obstacles can be ahead. Maybe I can't always help you up over them, but if nothing else I'll do my best to stay by your side a little longer and remind you that you are strong enough to overcome them. Not because you have less or more obstacles or started at a different point; but because you are you and I am sure you can find it within you.
And since I think Thomas Aquinas was definitely far-seeing and very correct about the seven heavenly virtues being more important but less focused on; here they are.
Chastity (Purity)
Temperance (self-restraint)
Charity (giving)
Diligence (zeal/integrity/Labor)
Forgiveness (composure)
Kindness (admiration)
Humility (humbleness)
As for what they mean in this context; it's great that so-called activists and Social Justice Warriors have so much zeal! Seriously, it is. But try to channel it into Kindness. To everyone. I know it's hard, but if you're super zealous about how people should be extra kind and charitable towards one group or another, at least you can start doing that yourself. Even if you aren't Christian, believe Gandhi had any good points, Confucian, or Buddhist; they were all extremely successful at spreading the ideals that they did, because they lived those ideals and did their best to help others.
I maintain however, it is not helpful to simply go tell a monarch ruler he must give up the throne in order that someone with different blood can have that power. That is meaningless. One can, however, do their best to help out the people of different blood. You can't even order a monarch to do this (usually) but Popes have actually gotten monarchs to help their people by pointing out what the needs are and how one can help. Heck, the bible is full of stories of people who were thrown in prisons (or worse) just for daring to speak out, so yeah, I get it. Speaking out against injustice is good! I'm all for it.
But it doesn't take bravery for someone to tell the King he has it good because he was born that way and he has a responsibility to help his people the best he can. It takes bravery to actively do their best to help the people who need help.
If you are say, a social worker, or a mental health professional, or even if you just volunteer or do what you can, then by ALL MEANS, do everything you can to get the attention, help, and what you need. I even tip my hat to you, good Sir and/or Madame (and/or other)! However, if you are say, working against breast cancer and a man comes in with it and you turn him down, that is sexist. It's rare, but it happens. I have a huge problem with the above linked article ESPECIALLY in regards to how trust for "majorities" must be earned, but all minorities should get the benefit of the doubt. Fuck you, that's prejudiced. Someone don't even try to explain to me how they can go from saying that all majorities are considered "outsiders" to the minority, but then straight into "treat us like humans, not 'the others.'" Well then stop acting like you're not both human. DUH. If they are giving YOU the benefit of the doubt, YOU SHOULD RETURN IT TO. Don't assume someone is racist just because of their skin color. Don't assume they are trying to do the same thing one idiot you once experienced did, and don't assume you understand someone's life without listening to them and letting them say, "Wow you really get this aspect!"
Ugh. I'm done.
Kindness and Charity. It starts with you. Don't demand it from anyone, just respect everyone and do your best to help each other out. People will help you too before you even realize it.
- CC
IDER. FIRST OFF YAY FOR HOMESTUCK and Caliborn calling Jake racist because I REALLY enjoy Hussie using Kankri and Caliborn to point out the completely stupid shit on tumblr.
Secondly however, I have so many problems with this, as I always do.
If you are reading this, you have access to a fucking computer, internet, and live in a time where both of those things exist. As neither is a primary function that is found in the wild, and therefore, while I do think both help people to survive; it still means, your other basic necessities for life have been taken care of; ie, food, water, and a warm enough place to type without freezing your fingers literally off due to frostbite. Maybe you are using special software not to type, but whether that is out of choice or to make up for an inability to type, this is still something to be grateful for as you were born into a time and place where the technology was available in some form or another, even if it took extreme amounts of work and help to get it!
And that is, in essence, just the start of my entire fucking problem with this.
Thomas Aquinas wrote about how he didn't like the use the seven deadly sins as a means to try to counterbalance the 7 Heavenly Virtues. It brought too much focus on trying not to do something which people would invariably slip up, because humans do that. We're fallible, we screw up, oops! And yes, while the "check your privilege" mantra is all about "don't feel guilty, we all make mistakes!" it is still about trying to remind other people not to slip up and/or to stop slipping up.
HUMANITY.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MORALLY POLICE ONE ANOTHER ON THEIR TERMS OF LANGUAGE AND WHETHER OR NOT THEY ARE DOING ENOUGH TO HELP OUT ONE ANOTHER.
Instead, it is your job as an individual, as a human being living within the same confines as the rest of us to help out one another and contribute what you can, the best you can, even if some days that just means being a friend to someone who needs a friend.
Protip: Telling someone to check their privilege is not being a good friend.
Even in the discourse on "how to do this" it says you are supposed to listen more than speak. That's great, but if that's the case, isn't it staggering that they can go on for five+ pages about this? Don't get me wrong, I talk PLENTY. And in an often one-sided completely ranting, flipping my shit kind of way.
But I do not ever tell people not to talk that much. I'll fucking wait them out, okay? Sometimes people need to rant, or write 80 pages of a shitty fic about weird things that no one can decipher, at least they're trying!
I don't have to like their fics, and I'm rarely forced to read them (ANYMORE BELIEVE ME I USED TO BE) but even if I was (like if say I was masochistic enough to review them as a job) I can still acknowledge they had to put a lot more hours of time, work, and energy, and I hope thought, far more than I had to do to write a review about it, good or bad.
Believe it or not, trying to review people on how they live their lives is generally going to be a bad idea.
I KNOW, I KNOW. This is like heresy, right? It's an age-old tradition since the dawn of humanity. Don't get me wrong, this is not to be confused with saying, "We shouldn't have laws, regulations, or respect that one another's actions affect each other." Laws: moral, governmental, societal, or otherwise, are there to try to make things works. They don't always help, they sometimes have unintended consequences, sometimes they even make things worse, but they are an attempt. They are made by fallible people, and as a consequence, they are also fallible. What I do mean is things that do not affect others.
In it, it speaks of intention. "Intention is not an excuse," okay fine, but everyone needs to use the good intentions for better. I'm going to use Tiger & Bunny for this example. Tiger is always well-meaning but frequently his good intentions have horrible consequences. He bent down to pick up a pen which knocked it into the street instead where it was run over by a car. As it was an accident, one must remember to forgive him and indeed, acknowledge that nothing was purposely done wrong! Simply saying "Be more careful next time" will do nothing. He was already trying to be careful, he was trying to be helpful! Instead someone who knows of his clutzy nature or shall we say "bad luck" would have to take the steps upon themselves to try to do their best to channel it.
Don't get me wrong, I get frustrated with my Mom's good intentions but god-awful results all the time. However, as good as it might feel to let off the steam about it, telling her to do better won't solve it. The only way I can is try to understand how her brain (ADHD + memory loss) led her to such an odd course of events and do my best to counterbalance it.
And believe it or not, for all my talk of fallible humans? This is actually something we're fucking best at. We do not tell a river to stop flowing or to flow in a different direction. We try to ford it, cross it, or better still, use it to the best of our advantages. We might even dam it up, but either way, the river is not ours to control, all we can do is dig a path and try to divert it, or use it, or so forth.
That being said, I realize that trying to get someone who is accidentally saying racist shit to not say that by guiding them into more appropriate language and/or thinking, might be a big part of trying to get them to check their privilege, so I will elaborate.
Someone who genuinely isn't racist and genuinely doesn't mean to be horrible doesn't need to be told about how their life was comparatively easier than other peoples and that they need to acknowledge they have an added advantage over people who grew up in the worst districts in the Hunger Games. They can just be told the right language, like Ike's facepalm-worthy first meeting with the Beorcs. Someone who is racist, intentionally so, even, isn't going to give a flip. More likely, historically speaking (Nazis, parts of the deep south of America, parts of Asia, Africa, New Yorkers who shove Hindus onto subway tracks citing the Twin Towers; NEED I GO ON?) they themselves feel victimized and blame the group they are racist towards.
So yes, I applaud everyone who would ever consider themselves a social justice warrior on at least trying to do something good. There is a general mindset of "victim vs. oppressor" and at least they are attempting to side with the underdog.
WHY THEN, I STILL HAVE A PROBLEM:
Because not everything is clear-cut. Many people consider themselves a victim of something. Being born in a shitty time, place, with bad genetics, being poor, being oppressed etc.
Just because lots of people feel that way doesn't mean that they aren't. There are some very strong cases that even in the richest, happiest, most equal opportunity places in the world, there is still some problems with discrimination, racism, classism, health, problems in life.
Yeah, I mock first world problems a lot, but I do it with a grain of salt. I am already aware that whining about my iPod dying isn't the same as a pet dying, or a child, or a parent, or my entire neighborhood being demolished. I am aware of that because, I do, in fact, have empathy. Empathy doesn't require you to actually walk a mile in another man's shoes, it requires you to try to imagine and put yourself in their position and ask what you, yourself would do under those circumstances. Saying sympathy, not empathy, as the article I linked does; is bullshit.
I don't want your fucking sympathy. And someone without legs does not want MY sympathy. You know why? Because it's incredibly condescending and infuriating.
Sympathy is fine, but it doesn't do anything. It's an emotion similar to sorrow on behalf of someone else. Well I don't want anyone feeling remotely close to "sad" for me. I DO WANT PEOPLE'S EMPATHY.
You know why? Because it's really difficult to express what it's like to be me. And your sympathy doesn't cut it. If you just feel bad on my behalf, that doesn't do anything. It's not comprehensive, it doesn't stick and it is a little like if I just spent 7 hours leveling up in a video game and I said "MAN THAT WAS ANNOYING AS HELL BUT I DID IT! I AM NOW LEVEL 90! TIME TO BEAT THE NEXT BOSS" and someone said "My sympathies." Um. Why? It's an accomplishment. You're feeling bad for me that my life is so pathetic that I just spent 7 hours playing a video game and bragged about it to people? WELL I guess that is a little pathetic... (unsure) Or maybe it's because everyone else can beat those levels in 4 hours, but hey I have CFIDS so it took me nearly twice as long, sucks to be me.
Now, someone giving me empathy about it, EVEN IF THEY DO NOT PLAY VIDEO GAMES, can understand that there was struggle, even if fictional and ridiculous and my active choice to do this as "entertainment", and enjoy my achievement as a friend and empathize with the silliness of working so hard at something that may or may not come far far easier to others.
Katawa Shoujo actually did hit it on the nail when it comes to Emi and Rin I think. They both do something for the sake of it, even though the things they do are extra hard for them. Emi is a runner despite having lost her legs below the knees, and Rin is a painter despite having no arms. Does their "disadvantage" make their accomplishments any less of an accomplishment? Does the added attention to what and who they are make up for it? Does it matter? Emi doesn't run so that you will approve of the fact that she runs, just as Oscar Pistorius (Olympic runner with the leg blades) doesn't run just to bring light or focus onto special olympics.
Simply saying you've never been an amputee so you can't understand them is insane, and is, in fact, extraordinarily more "ableist" (ewww I had to used that in a sentence, I feel dirty) than simply trying to empathize. You know why? Because you do not have to be in a wheelchair to sit in one, roll around, try to move and realize it takes insane amounts of upper arm strength and that there are a lot of places that are not wheelchair accessible. Sympathy for someone in a wheelchair doesn't do much for them. Now, if you go "I was in a wheelchair for a month and I know it can be tough, but suck it up, because I did it so you can too!" That is not empathy, that is just being a dick. If you have never even been in a wheelchair, however, you can still empathize with how it's hard to open doors when your hands are being actively used for something else and then decide to get the door. Someone with sympathy just feels bad for them. Maybe says "Yeah man, I understand it's hard for you to open doors," on a website forum, but you can hopefully see where that might come off as incredibly condescending, yes?
Sympathy is for situations we can do nothing about. Now, I have CFIDS, no one can change that. INCLUDING MY DOCTORS. But at least people can fucking try. Many MANY MANY great things in this world have come about because people tried to do something even when they thought it was impossible or pointless. If you want to sympathize for the fact that I have CFIDS, don't. Save it for someone else. When I whine about my CFIDS, I am, in fact, looking and hoping for empathy. And quite honestly, the reason I was SO SO SO SHY about telling anyone about my CFIDS and/or the many many numerous problems associated with it is because I expect to get sympathy which I do not want. Sympathy makes me personally, uncomfortable. I'm sure there are a lot of people who do great with it, but I'm not one of them. Hell, 9/10ths of the reasons I mock First World Problems is because a lot of them are looking for sympathy, not empathy. Indeed, when someone whines about their First Class seat on an airplane having a tv on nearby that they are already tuning out with headphones; I very much doubt they want your empathy. Not "I understand how that can be tough." and then in the future to double check with everyone around them before putting their tvs on. Now, checking with that one person, she could just approach her friend and point out she's trying to read, could the tv be turned another way? And you know what that friend might say? "Check your privilege lady, the tv is bolted down, it doesn't turn. Sorry, you'll have to ignore it or do you think I should be devoid of entertainment, I didn't bring a book." And she could say, "Check *your* privilege Mister, I'm doing something far more productive and IMPORTANT with my time! Next time maybe you should read a book!"
And so on, and so forth. Have I mentioned how much I hate that phrase yet?
The thing is, neither side are actually trying to help each other come to better understanding. Each side feels wronged and victimized. Lady is all "Why can't I just read in peace?" Man is all like "The hell is her problem, why can't I just watch my movie in peace?" And meanwhile as they argue about who comes from a better/worse financial/racial/gender/historical advantaged background; hundreds of people several rows back are chilling out in 3rd class with crying babies.
Your life is hard. You know why? Because you're a human. I don't fucking care if you're Native American, Black, Latino, Irish, immigrant, emigrant, man, woman, tranny, child, Hindu, Muslim, Catholic, or anything else. It's all cool. You should learn your history about many things because they might help you and others, but if you are more pinged by one culture or region or another, that's awesome! It's good motivation to learn! But you shouldn't try to force anything on anyone else period. And you cannot possibly, possibly understand or know their circumstances or how they treated by society or not without knowing them as a person.
If you consider your life easy, that's awesome! Keep it up, and if you can, maybe help out the rest of us! But rest assured, the minute you assume *any* gender, race, financial, educational, religious, or other difference completely made someone's life easier or harder, you are in fact, being racist yourself. Even the richest, whitest, "best advantaged" boy I've ever known, whose parents are easily in the 1% wealth range of the U.S., whose parents are world-class PHD scholars and traveled internationally because of it; actually experienced far more racism, prejudice, and what I would consider fairly extreme "hardships," than I ever did.
Anytime you invalidate another human being's personal experiences as being atypical of their demographic; you are being a dick. Stop it.
It doesn't take a lot to empathize with me... I hope? I don't want you to feel bad that I have a headache, I want you to remember that whatever headaches you had sucked balls and then realize that I have them nearly constantly.
I THINK, and I certainly hope, that when they say they don't want empathy, they mean they don't want it to become a pissing contest of who had the most pain; and/or "well I had a headache once and it was really bad, but it went away, therefore I know yours will go away soon too!" However, there are some extremely large leaps and bounds in logic here. First off, keeping in mind that not everyone's experiences are the same, then it should be easy to understand that my headaches =/= your headaches. AND I WILL TRY TO THE SAME! ie: "Damn my migraines ALWAYS go away with acupuncture, ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T TRY NEEDLES?!" because that is just some straight-up bullshit right there. However; empathy isn't making giant leaps of conclusion to "I was sick once and therefore it is the same." No, empathy is understanding, "I had the flu once and it was AWFUL. You're really like that almost all the time but with giant intermittent periods? THAT IS SOME CRAZY SHIT! Wow is there anything I can do?" and I can say "Nah, it's all right, it'll pass, just now you know why I might disappear or whine a lot about headaches, you know?" And then my friends will be like "Cool story bro," and then the next time I'm not online for long periods they can be like, "OH I SEE, this is what she meant!" and take that into account.
Yeah, it sucks that I am asking for a different consideration than you might normally give other people; BUT (AND HERE IS WHERE IT GETS SIGNIFICANT) I actually think you probably SHOULD give those considerations to other people. If you really aren't presuming to understand all the real life (or OTHER) circumstances going on with someone, then give everyone the benefit of the doubt. This isn't to say "and let yourself be duped/used" what it is to say is that "just because a black male conned you once upon a time doesn't mean all black guys are con artists." I KNOW, CRAZY RIGHT? But there persists this myth regarding privilege that in order to make everything equal, people who are privileged must in some way "give up" their "advantages" to those less privileged, and that this way the privileged can use them to climb the ladder of success to equality.
I'm here to say, that is bullshit.
First off, simply acknowledging and telling other people that you understand that you have an advantage over someone who is of a different background is seriously condescending as all get-out. I've said this before, but seriously. I don't want anyone to ever tell me they have advantages over me. I will kick you all in the shins, shove you into the dirt and stand on you before I pass out before I accept such a thing. Who are you to think your life was in some way easier than mine because of something a third party MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE DONE? Screw you. If you want to "check your privilege" instead of wasting dumbass time online, go help people. I KNOW. CRAZY RIGHT? Seriously though. It'll give you a chance to empathize with them instead of just sympathizing for them from afar. Oh yes, wave to the peons, and their lowly miserable lives of poverty and class warfare. How sad for them. Fuck that noise, go be Jesus, go live with lepers and do your best to cure them. You don't even have to be that drastic, as I already said above, you can just help people by being a good friend. And if you are painfully shy and awkward and the internet is all you have; you can always write articles, instead, bringing light to certain issues to the people who will also help out. What does not work is sitting around on certain corners of the internet stroking each other's egos and arguing about correct terminology.
Secondly, other people having an advantage doesn't mean the advantage has to go away for someone else. There is not a limited number of privileges given out at the privilege store at birth and only the lucky are blessed to start off with them so they must given them away to people without them. If being Christian is a U.S. advantage, I cannot give it away to someone who is not Christian. I could spread it, but only to someone willing to become Christian, and my own personal philosophy is that religion should be like water; nourishing, cleansing, usually relatively passive, but never forced or you'll just drown them. Now, that being said, am I sympathetic to the struggles facing atheists who do not have the support network that religious communities provide to their flock? No. I am, however, empathetic. I can understand what it's like to be alone and friendless, but I don't think it's "extra hard" to be atheist, or even "extra hard" to be Muslim. I believe there are some extreme struggles faced with all these things, and that as a good human being I would like to say "it doesn't matter that you're atheist or Muslim, let me try to help with that problem you are having, and if I can't do that, at least I will try to understand it better." This is part of that "LISTENING" thing the link talked about.
Moreover, this is something you should do with everyone and no amount of privilege should ever factor into it. None. I was blessed to have nerd parents who are both Catholic, go me! But before you think that was all sunshine and roses; Parochial school, sucked, I was forced to write book reports on chapters of the bible, my Dad taught CCD so I had to get there two hours early, oh and there are a lot of atheists who compare my religion to child abuse. So what does that all mean? Nothing really. There's no context. Did I hate reading the bible? Not really. I liked reading about Saints and I still continue it. Did I have an advantage in that both my parents are Catholic so that I was brought up with more access to the Catechism and books on saints, and an easy way to get volunteer jobs with church doing summer school? I... guess? I also was fortunate enough to be blessed with such wonderful parents that allowed me to read books on any other religion; which I did. I went atheist when I was 8 and refused to believe in Catholicism, hell I even set out to disprove it. What does it all mean? Nothing. There are advantages and disadvantages to everything. YES, EVEN HAVING RICH PARENTS HAS DISADVANTAGES. My parents gave me both more and less freedom than pretty much anyone my age. But a lot of this was because I put a lot of pressure on myself, so they never wanted to add to it in that respect. However, having lived in two very wealthy suburbs in MA which already has top-notch education & tends to be wealthier in general; I've had many friends I can say had some really big hurdles I didn't have to face, just because their parents were rich and well-educated.
One of my friends had to move three times and her Dad was the top brain surgeon at UMass. He hated his job because while he wanted to save lives, he had problems similar to the main character in Monster (not Johan Libert). You see he had to deal a lot with the politics in both the teaching money and grants, the office pressure, and then the current state of the medical field wherein rich/famous people often get priority treatment rather than assessing everyone's best shot to live or not. My friend herself was under a lot of stress from that as she both wanted to follow in his footsteps, and yet not. Meanwhile her Mom and my Mom wound up having a lot in common because they both had to deal with appearing to be a "single parent" and always having to say "No, there are just other circumstances involved" as my friend's Dad was often on call, at work, or trying to get in a few hours of sleep. Meanwhile she never faced any notable hardships as a girl, but neither of us are arrogant enough to assume that other women do face hardships just because we didn't. However, I have no doubt my friend would be annoyed to have someone assume that it was harder for her to go get through school and swimming just because she's a tall woman.
The most "privileged" white boy I knew (aforementioned several paragraphs back) was under extreme amounts of stress. His Mom was a human rights lawyer for the U.N., his Dad was in geriatrics. His Dad's Jewish, his Mom was Christian but converted to Judaism for the marriage. I can't even begin to list the amount of stress they put him under. In part because his IQ was 186 so they didn't want him to waste it, but also because of who and what and how and where he was born. Hell, maybe this is why the idea of "checking privilege" gets me so riled up. My friend himself, was forced to live in at least 3 rather extreme situations. One, the streets of L.A. where his childhood friends gave him a knife for his sixth birthday so that he could protect himself against gangs and not get killed. Six. Yeah. Oh he was sure as hell privileged all right. Another, was in Argentina where he learned to use bolos and grapple emus, also his foreign exchange family there has mafia connections and the girl of the family threatened to have me killed if I broke his heart. ^_^ Charming, right? And the third he hated the most, actually, which was in Paris, France! Wherein his lousy French (he knew 8 languages but was best at Spanish which is not his first language) and being an American got him roughed up, spit at, kicked out of two restaurants, and knifed. After which point he begged his mother not to make him stay and to let him go anywhere else, even if she had to stay there for work.
Oh, but he was super duper privileged all right. Mansion, car, saxophone lessons, Russian lessons, he lived in a town where being Jewish is about as cool and accepted as it can get (my town is awesome sometimes) and the only time he went hungry is when he dropped out of college to join a band in Philadelphia. It was also the only time I saw him really and truly actually happy(ish).
Don't assume demographics explain people. They don't. Don't assume you have any advantage over someone else, and don't assume that someone else has an advantage on you.
I played baseball with the boys up until middle school (by which time I started having allergies and my Dad had CFIDS so I didn't do any organized sports for a bit until high school) in it there were about three different ways the guys would handle me being a girl in the men-only sport rather than me playing softball with the girls. Those who would go easier on me, let me have slower balls, or the coaches who would give me a fourth chance rather than 3 strikes and out; those who would actively try to get me out of the game by throwing the balls at me or being more insulting than they were to the other guys; and the third who never gave a fuck.
The first I appreciated, but I did my best to make them regret it by slamming the ball as hard as I could when I could, the second I accepted as the consequences of doing something "daring and rare" and frankly, by this point I was bullied for being tiny as hell, all kinds of nerdy, and a permanent "new kid," so I dealt with it because my choices were to stick it out or go play softball instead, and the third I was chill with, but I hated that there was still a "GIRLS HAVE COOTIES" thing back then so we couldn't really and truly be "friends" however I tried. (Being friends with the girl meant being picked on themselves, and while I wouldn't have wanted that on a friend, I didn't realize that at the time, I was just withdrawn and accepted it.)
It's easy to say "[Straight/Cisgender] Guys have such an advantage! They can play the sport they like with other guys and not have to worry about it!" but it doesn't mean anything. I chose to play baseball, and I literally did know the consequences. I was friends with two Brazilian boys my Mom babysat and they said they'd watch out for me so I wouldn't get beat up, and that was why I was willing to face the consequences. But it doesn't mean anything. Guys would take a ton of flack if they wanted to play softball instead. More flack than I did. And can you imagine how much a guy would get beat up if he did Field hockey? Hell, I know guys who were scared of doing honor guard because it might be perceived as too girlie and they were right! A couple of seniors harassed them after I pulled a Haruhi Suzumiya and got them to help me out for the parade anyway. And that's for honor guard. Which is something the police have in every parade, and the military started. Yeah, really girlie, I'm sure.
Just; internet: stahp.
Your advantages mean nothing. It's not about what you were born with or without. It's what you do with the choices you can make in life, and helping each other out. It's about being the best person you can be, and "privileges" have nothing to do with it.
My family used the word privilege for; I'm going to call it, "BRIBES." Aka, you have a responsibility to pick up your shit, and maybe even your little brother's because he ain't old enough to pick it up himself. You can call that oldest sibling privilege if you'd like. But the privileges were things like watching tv, computer time, internet time, the chance to just go read away from nagging psychos. Hell, if you were REALLY good you might get to go Chuck E. Cheese's or something. (When my parents first started dealing with the double whammy of Laura & Moosey both having ADHD they were told by experts various parenting methods and went through LOTS of different systems, including one with storing up "privilege points" which could be spent on things. I had issues in that I hated spending points. I still do. Eventually my own counselor had to ask them to find a way to get me to work less because it was getting ridiculous. No seriously. And I was the only one who was doing anything to earn the privilege points so they decided that wasn't working.)
I suppose hypothetically while I was using the tv, I had an advantage over my siblings they did not. We only had one tv at the time and that meant if I used my privilege, it'd be "mine"-ish. However, does the fact that I often worked to get said privilege mean that my siblings were anymore disadvantaged? Not really. If we both worked that hard, my Mom would have gotten a job outside the house and gotten a second tv because she wouldn't be needed *in* the house.
Now, could I have said to my siblings, "Well you have ADHD and I don't, so here, have my privilege points." Well, HYPOTHETICALLY, yes. I would have had to have been a lot more cunning, thwarted my parents plans, and been willing to lie, but sure. Would this really give them that privilege though?
Privilege is a right or immunity not granted to others. I did the chore so I earned the "privilege" (which I mostly used on computer time or saaaaaaaaaaaaaved like crazy) but just because I don't have ADHD doesn't really mean it was that much easier for me. I have my own problems. I was born the oldest, but I can't help that. There are actually also advantages to being born a few years younger than me. My siblings had far less expectations put on them, they never had the same struggles to be allowed to do "basic things" the way I was, (my parents banned me from dating until I was 16, I started dating when I was 13, only told Laura, she tattled on me, but by 14 my parents realized exactly what I told them; they were just going to have to trust me because I didn't want to have sex yet and if I had, I didn't have to be dating to go do that, so the more we could be open and talk about things, the more safe I'd be because holla; hiding it was more dangerous than if they trusted me so I was able to trust them back) indeed by the time Moosey was in middle school he was not only allowed video games, but they became his special "homework reward." And yet I was banned from video games until I was 14 and that was only because Laura was given a Gameboy from her foster parents and my parents figured that yes, it was unfair to let Laura be allowed a simple safe joy in life that the rest of us were denied.
However, I am not so arrogant as to ever assume it's easy to have ADHD. I have never ever had problems with ADHD. Even where it's really common in CFIDS. In fact since my Dad has ADD, my Mom has ADHD, and both brothers have ADHD, and Laura has ADD+, counselors insisted I probably just developed techniques to deal with it. I'm pretty sure that's incorrect. I have yet to meet someone with ADHD who can multi-task. Moosey, my Mom, my Dad, Luffy-bro, and Laura are all experts at hyper-focusing. I am incapable of it. Seriously, I can't tune people out even if I try. I never could, and I have seriously tried. There are advantages and disadvantages to that. I get depressed when bored more than my family (and they can be MOSTLY easier to entertain than me --> However in trying to find things to do, this is how I became a workaholic, and took up reading an entire library and then writing when I still had too many hours in the day) but I also can do more than them. Or rather, could before CFIDS. I didn't get distracted during homework, and while I couldn't hyperfocus so it took me much longer to do my math homework than it ever took my brothers when they hyperfocused, I still got it done and turned in way more often because I wouldn't forget or lose it. I can, however, empathize that it was difficult for them to lose and/or forget. I couldn't back then, but that was because I wasn't smart enough to understand that our struggles through school were so very very different from each other. Yet; they still had a commonality. Different, but the same.
People always say "separate but not equal is not equal!" Whether in regards to race segregation, gender equality, or sometimes same-sex marriage. I agree with this. The U.S. is not equal with Canada. We're damned similar; culturally, governmentally, and historically, and I'm certainly not willing to say either of us is better or worse than the other. But we're not equal. However it's fucking arrogant to assume a Canadian can't empathize or understand what it's like to be American. We both have different struggles, but they are struggles. Canada and the U.S. are different, but we're still similar and getting into a pissing contest over who has it rougher accomplishes nothing. Nor does Canada going "I understand that I have an educational privilege over your people because your country hasn't caught up to speed on the international charts" or the U.S. going "And I get that you are poorer in GDP than us because of all my industries." Neither means jack on a comprehensive large scale. They mean exactly what they mean. There are differences to growing up Canadian to American. Advantages, disadvantages, it doesn't freaking matter, we still have close borders, a close alliance, and things we do affect each other.
If you would give up your acting part in a play just because you're a Christian hetero white male in the U.S. and you think the 1/2 black 1/2 Asian Hindu Transgender deserves the part instead, you're an idiot and you shouldn't be calling yourself an actor, you should call yourself a model because apparently all you think that matters is superficial skin. Is it hard to be a transgender 1/2 black 1/2 Asian Hindu actor? I'm sure it is, because I'm not saying there aren't directors who do judge on looks/superficial/THOSE THINGS; even if they don't mean to. However, facing hurdles in life makes you stronger. No, this doesn't mean "SO SUCK IT UP!" Nor does it make the hurdles you faced any less painful. But rather than thinking they were more painful for you (or someone else) at least you can both be empathetic that the hurdles are there. It is hard for anyone get an acting role. In school plays, in community plays, and the bigger up you go, the harder it gets. Many Hollywood actors have to deal with each part the play literally becoming a part of their identity publicly or privately, and many work sometimes 16 hours (or more) a day. It's also insanely difficult to be Eiichiro Oda, he gets about 3 hours of sleep and worked 18 to 21 hours a day.
Let's call this the human race. The finishing line is when you die, but we keep running, because it's just us and the track, and all the other 7 billion racers. Some people start way ahead of you, but everyone has hurdles. And if there is someone without a hurdle? That doesn't mean you should throw a hurdle in his way to make the playing field even. What we should all be doing, is simply trying to help each other get over the hurdles. Life is hard. Sometimes it gets easier. Sometimes we've been running and jumping so many hurdles we finally get stronger, faster, and better at this. Sometimes there are patches with really short hurdles or none at all. But as humans, we have a great gift in being able to try to help one another. Now maybe the first few times you try to help you don't get them over the hurdle so much as knock them down and you along with it. But it's okay, because the secret is, you can't win the race. You can only be happy and make it easier for yourself and others.
So let's take that whitest, richest, super-duper advantaged boy I knew as one last example, one more time. Does the fact that he had more hurdles than me means he earned being ahead of me in the race? Or that my hurdles were any less of a struggle for me? Or even that for the time we ran neck and neck together that I hadn't worked "extra hard" to make up for lost ground to get to where we both were? No, it doesn't mean anything like that at all. Because in the long run, the struggles don't mean anything against each other. It's not just comparing apples and oranges; we both had family problems, similar backgrounds, migraines, super-smart parents, etc. However, we didn't have to be in competition with each other. It wasn't "me" vs. "him" or "who is more right" or "who has it harder?" We both had it hard. He faced more discrimination than I did during his lifetime, he also traveled more and didn't have to save up one week at a time to get his own bass guitar. And?
Those things don't sum up the whole of who he is. I never even said his name in this entry. They sure as hell don't sum up the whole of me. And yet neither of us went and finished our super elite college plans because life got in the way. He found he was happier just doing music, and I got CFIDS. He had (has?) a 186 IQ and arguably "every advantage" in the book, and he dropped out to ride trains and play in bars before he was even old enough to legally drink.
A very smart woman once wrote, "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." If indeed, you yourself are not racist, then you do not consider people inferior to you. If you do consider someone inferior to you on the basis of race, intellect, gender, sexual orientation, etc; I suggest you take a very VERY good hard look at yourself. Assuming however, you are like me and consider people equal to you, then you shouldn't treat any one group of people "SUPER EXTRA DIFFERENTLY" than any other. I'm sorry but I don't consider it that much braver to be a black cosplayer than to just be a cosplayer period. It takes guts, hard work, and a lot of daring, and possible willingness to be ridiculed. I also don't consider it less brave for a Japanese person to cosplay because I'm aware that being an otaku in Japan is not paradise. See, I have the internet, and also I know a simple fact; some people are judgmental dicks. American, racist, Japanese, Spanish, German, French, Italian, or other. IT HAPPENS. And no, I'm not going to take responsibility for an American dick just because he's American. So he's American and I am too, AND? Why would you assume that to mean I'm a dick too unless you are also being a dick! People are different, there are some commonalities. Sometimes on that giant race track we can knock into one other or kick hurdles in someone else's way, but I don't understand why you would want to. They will not lessen your own hurdles, and it'll just mean less people will want to help you over yours, or hell, there might even be less people able to help you if you do that.
And yeah, sometimes we do that adding hurdles thing by accident, but it gets easier. You don't have to acknowledge that you started a different maybe even "further advanced" racing point than others, and you sure as hell don't need to go around pointing out to other people they started ahead of you. You see, that's rather dickish. You are either treating them as an inferior (saying they couldn't get there on their own, when in fact, no one could, and the starting point means nothing really) or you are saying they are superior to you. In which case, stop that as well. People aren't born "superior" to you and don't have it thrust upon them. You're equals. You're on the same shitty race track to nowhere, just enjoy the ride and for the love of god, stop throwing hurdles at each other.
If you want to help someone "less advantaged" than you, then you can actually help them over their obstacles. NEVER assume your hurdles were tougher (or easier!) and it doesn't really matter if they were or not. Hell if you want, you can help out super rich people over their hurdles, because they are still hurdles and if those people are around you, then there's your opportunity! The hurdles come in different shapes and sizes, maybe there are more people around to help the rich and famous people with their hurdles, but maybe not, you can't really know unless you are with them. And hey, if hurdles get thrown your way, maybe you find out what the fuck you did (if anything, sometimes haters just gonna hate) to deserve that, but in general, you'll just have to keep on jumping. Or die. =\
As for helping other people, just freaking help people. Friends, family, coworkers, strangers, why does it have to matter what race/creed/ANYTHING ELSE that they were? Have an example, in Winnipeg, Canada, they had a 228 Pay it Forward chain. News link here in which no one sat there asking if the person behind them was any richer, poorer, blacker, whiter, Jewish, Christian, atheist, or disabled. They just kept going "I'll pay for the next person after me." 228 times. This may seem like a small hurdle, but it could mean a lot to someone who could barely scrape enough money together! Or maybe it restored their faith in the friendliness of their fellow Canadians, or maybe it just made them happy to know that so many people were willing to continue on what one person had started.
For the final person in the chain, maybe they too will continue or start a new chain by buying someone a cup of coffee later or maybe they were literally hoping for a miracle because they could barely afford a meal, and bam! Miracle achieved.
If you would only have paid it forward for someone who was transgender, then I guess at least you helped out someone? But to then go into a big thing about how all these people kept paying for a possible tyrant and someone who might be really against gay rights, or a racist, etc. all I can say is, "STFU You are are harshing our runner's high." You don't have to assume the best in humanity, but at least stop assuming the worst. People should help each other out because they're people. If you want to hang out and help out people of a different background more, that's fine. But for the love of everything, don't tell people they shouldn't help out people of a certain race/creed/religion/ETC. because that's ridiculously, insanely, biased. You are either saying I am inferior to you thanks to my disability, or you're saying people without my disability are inferior to me. And both ways are fucked up.
It is not a sin to be born.
Just. Repeat that a thousand times if need be. And then remind yourself that includes of any different race, nationality, religion (omfg this is annoying, how do SJWs even handle this) and so on and so forth. I do not carry the sins of anyone but me. But I am part of the same humanity as you, and I understand how tough the road and obstacles can be ahead. Maybe I can't always help you up over them, but if nothing else I'll do my best to stay by your side a little longer and remind you that you are strong enough to overcome them. Not because you have less or more obstacles or started at a different point; but because you are you and I am sure you can find it within you.
And since I think Thomas Aquinas was definitely far-seeing and very correct about the seven heavenly virtues being more important but less focused on; here they are.
Chastity (Purity)
Temperance (self-restraint)
Charity (giving)
Diligence (zeal/integrity/Labor)
Forgiveness (composure)
Kindness (admiration)
Humility (humbleness)
As for what they mean in this context; it's great that so-called activists and Social Justice Warriors have so much zeal! Seriously, it is. But try to channel it into Kindness. To everyone. I know it's hard, but if you're super zealous about how people should be extra kind and charitable towards one group or another, at least you can start doing that yourself. Even if you aren't Christian, believe Gandhi had any good points, Confucian, or Buddhist; they were all extremely successful at spreading the ideals that they did, because they lived those ideals and did their best to help others.
I maintain however, it is not helpful to simply go tell a monarch ruler he must give up the throne in order that someone with different blood can have that power. That is meaningless. One can, however, do their best to help out the people of different blood. You can't even order a monarch to do this (usually) but Popes have actually gotten monarchs to help their people by pointing out what the needs are and how one can help. Heck, the bible is full of stories of people who were thrown in prisons (or worse) just for daring to speak out, so yeah, I get it. Speaking out against injustice is good! I'm all for it.
But it doesn't take bravery for someone to tell the King he has it good because he was born that way and he has a responsibility to help his people the best he can. It takes bravery to actively do their best to help the people who need help.
If you are say, a social worker, or a mental health professional, or even if you just volunteer or do what you can, then by ALL MEANS, do everything you can to get the attention, help, and what you need. I even tip my hat to you, good Sir and/or Madame (and/or other)! However, if you are say, working against breast cancer and a man comes in with it and you turn him down, that is sexist. It's rare, but it happens. I have a huge problem with the above linked article ESPECIALLY in regards to how trust for "majorities" must be earned, but all minorities should get the benefit of the doubt. Fuck you, that's prejudiced. Someone don't even try to explain to me how they can go from saying that all majorities are considered "outsiders" to the minority, but then straight into "treat us like humans, not 'the others.'" Well then stop acting like you're not both human. DUH. If they are giving YOU the benefit of the doubt, YOU SHOULD RETURN IT TO. Don't assume someone is racist just because of their skin color. Don't assume they are trying to do the same thing one idiot you once experienced did, and don't assume you understand someone's life without listening to them and letting them say, "Wow you really get this aspect!"
Ugh. I'm done.
Kindness and Charity. It starts with you. Don't demand it from anyone, just respect everyone and do your best to help each other out. People will help you too before you even realize it.
- CC