To All of the Geniuses

*deep breath* Before all of my thoughts were random incoherent babblings but haven given some time in the dark babbling, I've been able to string together a little bit of coherency to them... I think.

Today is the 11th of June. In 5 days my brothers will be out from school, in a week it'll be Leanne's B-day. (Happy Birthday Leanne!) Tomorrow night a new episode of Inuyasha will be out and in a month and a half the Inuyasha movie (different from the TV episodes) will be out in theaters; though only select ones in the bigger cities like NYC and LA (and San Diego where there will be an Inuyasha convention.)

Monday was my little brother's birthday (Brian that is) and in celebration my whole family went to see the third Harry Potter movie. (I vastly liked the book better though the movie was pretty awesome.) I don't know if I've ever mentioned Eddie in these journal entries before (and I'm too lazy to sift through them to check.) If I have I've probably explained in copious amounts how incredibly irritating he is (he sets my teeth on edge even 3000 miles away -- not an exaggeration, he called us from CA to tell us that he was 3000 miles away and then we couldn't get rid of him... as usual) and even Patrick (ADHD Patrick who still sulks and complains that the world is out to get him when one thing goes wrong in his day) finds Eddie to be amazingly immature. But I digress.

Eddie has made it a tradition to see the Harry Potter movies with my family. This is because EVERY single member of my family reads Harry Potter (even Brian who doesn't like reading; he's something of an anomoly to me) and so of course we all go to see the movies when the come out (several times usually.) And apparently no one else Eddie knows likes reading anything at all. (Eddie himself doesn't read, not even Harry Potter, but he does like the movies.) Laura and I have made it a tradition to hide on the opposite side of the theater and roll our eyes and shake our heads at the fact that we can still hear him... throughout the movie. This in an odd sort of way has drawn Laura and I actually closer together. But then, in the past 6 months quite a few things have actually. (Though there is no way I will be sharing a room with her... oh EVER again.) Because of this he's over my house this weekend.

In fact, today my sister stayed home from school (more on that later) and at 10 this morning Eddie called and asked when he could come over. And he kept calling. Right up to 12:30 when he got here. So even though my family's seen Harry Potter 3 already we're all going again to humor Eddie (and because we like it.) There is an exception to this however... Shrek 2 is out and Pat, Laura, and I all want to go see it. I think however that Pat will be stuck with Eddie though because of that whole tradition thing. Pat actually sits with Eddie and so is linked to that tradition. Since Laura and I have gone out of way NOT to be with them we can do whatever we want. (Being the oldest rocks sometimes.) Which means Laura and I might go see Shrek 2 instead.

This (thankfully) actually gives me something to do this weekend other than mope about and wait for Inuyasha. That and Leanne's coming over Sunday so that I can give her her Birthday present :-D Hopefully, she'll like it. I got kind of desperate looking for things to get her when I realized that we have next to nothing in common and therefore most of the things I'd enjoy, she wouldn't really... I thought about hair-dye for a bit (I was really getting desperate) but then I just decided to be lazy-ish and spend extra money and get (LEANNE NO PEAKING!!!! You have to skip to the next paragraph or ruin your would-be surprise!!) movie tickets. This is semi-brilliant of me seeing as how nearly every time I see Leanne we go to the movies. Maybe I'm just obsessed with movies. *shrug* Unfortunately this was before my parents decided to get the 50 tickets pack like last summer (my siblings each get $300 to go to various camps so I said that my parents should spend the $250 and get movie tickets as my camp thing -- even though I don't get to have all 50 tickets. *pout*) so I actually had to BUY them but it's worth it. I hope....

Also I now have money! This is something unusal for me, especially since my Inuyasha obsession (what money I got almost always went toward IY dvds) but it will not be lasting long. At some point within this weekend, I'll be mall shopping and picking up cds. The last new cd I got was Duncan Sheik (speaking of which, that was missing for like a month but Pat just found it for me tonight... which is good espeically since he's the dingbat that freaking lost it!) and that was at least 5 months ago (possibly 7... again, too lazy to really check.) It used to be that I had to get a new cd every two weeks to two months or so but there are several reasons for my recent lack of new music a) I started borrowing some of my Dad's stuff (I completley stole his Queen cds) b) I spent like a month listening to James Bond themes when I was reading the Belgariad and Mallorean c) I have more cds than before and thus more stuff to cycle through and d) Oddly enough, even though I've got more free time and things, I actually listen to music less often than before. See I usually listen to music when I'm the computer, studying, doing homework and outside writing/blowing bubbles. But now.... I completley can't write anymore, (short stories are an enormous struggle, my book is plain, flat-out impossible) I'm on the computer less because this one is falling somewhat to pieces, won't run Baldur's Gate and I simply have less to do on it (when you're on the computer as often as I am it loses it's charm -- just like everyhting else.) and as for homework and studying.... Well we all know the answer to that one.

So in any case, I've had less cause to buy new cds. However, even though I'm not buying the new cds doesn't mean I don't keep my mental list going, and because of this the number of cds on said list is now ridiculously high. There's 3 other Duncan Sheik cds, Evanescence, 2 Matchbox 20 cds, the first Five for Fighting cd, the Harry Potter 3 soundtrack, the Shrek 2 soundtrack, the Chicago soundtrack, the Summerland soundtrack (hey! No picking on my choice of music here, I LIKE my soundtracks!! And John Williams is the man) Pirates of Penzance (if I can ever find a decent copy) Dashboard Confessional, I still need to replace my BNL Gordon cd (it's one of those lost ones that after 3 months I give up on and put on my list to re-purchase) and the continous 4 Moxy Fruvous cds that have been on my list since 8th grade because I haven't been able to find them anywhere and I'm too lazy to buy them online. Of course there are also the 4 Inuyasha soundtracks but they're FAR more expensive since they have to be imported from Japan (yay for J-Pop) And you see what I mean. lol... It's actually quite the opposite of what used to happen to me. I used to get bored out of my mind needing another cd (and having the money for it) but without a clue of what I wanted to get.

Heh... If only the cds were the only thing on my mental list. I was telling Leanne earlier tonight that in the past five years I spend like all my money on entertainment kind of things (excluding presents for other people) ie, movies, dvds, books, cds, etc. I used to save up my money and get kind of big extravagant things -- like my digital camera. But now the minute I get money I usually end up spending it. I think it's because I'm bored all the time now and I so I keep trying to find things to keep my mind a little busy. Meh. If only I could actually read on a regular basis....

God that's probably the thing that gets to me the most with the boredom. I spent almost all of my 3rd grade reading. Just reading. It'd take me 10 minutes to do an entire week of homework, my parents don't really allow TV (rules have been gradually bended and broken over the years) and after moving like 4 times in a row I kind of gave up on making friends (I pretty much assumed I was just going to move again in a year.) I wasn't ever bored in 3rd grade because I had thousands of books to read. I read every Xanth novel written at least 3 times each, I read the main 8 most popular Shakespeare plays (and some of his sonnets when I was in my poetry phase during that year) Mark Twain, EVERY 3 Investigator, Nancy Drew and Babysitter Club book.... Man, I had no life. Possibly even less than one I have now. But at least I courld read. Well... actually I started getting migraines that year and during the headaches I couldn't read... at all. (*shudders in memory* My Dad tried reading to me for a while but the light damn near killed me so eventually I got him to play his computer in the dark for me while I'd watch it -- from the other side of the room where the light wasn't as painful. Hmmmmmm my Dad really loves me :) -- and you know what? Even though my migraines are a lot worse than back then, I'm quite a bit tougher. I feel proud... Damn hospital) But I only got migraines like twice a month back then so it wasn't that bad actually. Now I'm happy if I get a BAD migraine twice a week with only moderate ones every day. That's rather pathetic really.... *sigh*

In any case, I can't read anymore. Once in a while I'm able to push myself for a certain period of time (like I did with the Belgariad) but it's like I pay for it the next month or so with an ability to read much else... or focus on like anything. I've been trying to read the Harry Potter books again but I can't do it. I got almost through the first one but then had to give up... It's sad really. My Dad's had the same problem for years now but I couldn't ever understand it. And it's just so hard to explain... How did my doctor put it the other day? -- It's like having your brain full of glue. Everything's stuck and all gunked up so nothing works properly. If I could only read, I could get through this without EVER being bored. I could even deal with not being able to write. I wouldn't like it but I could cope.

Actually... I guess I'm coping now. It doesn't even make me cry anymore to think about how I can't read. And I don't feel numb either. Not even helpless. I'm not sure what I feel though. Maybe I've just created a shell of anti-emotion to block myself. If so, then I approve. It's torn me to shreds to try to explain to people what this is like -- even when I wasn't getting into details.

*sigh* When I first got sick with this, I was so frustrated. I kept pushing myself and pushing myself and trying to find out WHAT I could do and not succeeding and then when I found out that basically I could watch tv and daydream I damn near snapped. According to my counselor when people become terminally or chronically ill they actually going into mourning for themselves. I hated that. I didn't want to mourn myself. I told myself over and over and over how there were so many people who could do even less than me and that if I put my mind to it I could find SOMETHING to do... But after a while... when even drinking water becomes a hazard to your well-being you don't really want to care about the other people who are sick. You just feel so pathetic, so frustrated, so sorry for yourself and that is when they say you've reached the lowest point you can ever get in your life. Jeff says it's usually that which convinces people to start doing drugs or alcohol. He said I should be commended on not falling into that trap and trying to continuously navigate around it and find things to do blah blah blah. But honestly... I dunno anymore. I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I think I hate being sick just as much and at some point I think to myself, screw the world, I'm entitled to feel sorry for myself.

My Dad feels sorry for me... He's sicker than I am because he's got the adult form -- I've got the children's form which hopefully means I'll recover faster too, though there's no garuntee. But he says he feels sorry for me because I'm in the prime of my life. He says that it's not as rough on him because even though he wants to be working making medicines as much as I DESPERATELY would give ANYTHING to write... he's actually done things. He was a Leiutenant in the army. He went to college, worked on making medicine more appealing to kids (he was one of the first people to work on the project to add flavoring to Tylenol -- which incidentally is why I can't stand anything flavored cherry or grape now. When I was little we had loads of children's tylenol in my house and so now those flavors remind me of medicine -- he was also one of the first people to come up with the idea of the cocktail mixture to treat AIDs (which is currently what they use to attack viruses) He got married and had 4 kids. But me... well... I've read a lot. And I wrote abook. And I've been a High school Color Guard Captain -- which involved 12-16 hours of practice a week for me back when I just migraines and not CFS -- and don't get me wrong I'm proud of my accomplishments even though they don't seem like that much sometimes but.... If I wasn't sick there are so many things that I'd be doing now. I mean first off, I'd be graduating. And I'd have been able to work harder on getting my book published, and actually be able to write my sequel... Maybe I'd be going to Harvard. I'd be rollerblading though. And doing Color Guard as much as I want without getting sick from it. And I wouldn't have spent the past 3 years inside.

But you know what? If I hadn't gotten sick. I wouldn't be me. That's kind of hard to explain sometimes but I guess it involves the whole way I look at life. It's like my belief that even though you can plan things out, things will go wrong, but good can still come from that. -- And that's how I believe God works with things. Yes he has a master plan, but it's not completely followed to due to free will of humans and so he falls upon back-up plans and even though something may not have been in his original planning, he can still make good things happen from it. Let me explain; when I look back on things like say, middle school... I see LOADS of things I wish I could go back and change. But I know that if I did, I wouldn't be the same person I am now. I wouldn't have had those experiences that shape WHO I am. If I hadn't gotten Chronic Fatigue I don't know that I ever would have been brave enough (or desperate enough) to actually pursue my dream of directing. My Dad, though he loves me to pieces, isn't actually that supporting. He's very much a pessimistic "realist" and he's not at all a dreamer. He's also very greatly influenced by his father who's not supportive really of anything... or anyone. Because of this, even though I've always known that I wanted to direct movies I didn't even tell people about it until I got sick because I knew the first thing my Dad would say is how hard a feild movies/theater is to get into. (I was right by the way. When I eventually told him about it, he went into this huge thing about how many actors there are, how many become famous, how many directors there are, and how many never make it etc. etc.) Don't get me wrong, I KNOW what a long shot movie production is. And while I'd love to become famous or hell, even just be able to make my movies... I mean come on, what are the odds? I'm ambitious but not blinded. But that doesn't mean I can't try and that I can't hope. And as anyone who knows me knows; my Dad's opinions weigh very heavily on me. So until a year ago I couldn't have actually stood to hear that without being crushed and refusing to even try....

But getting sick changed that for me. Before I'd gotten sick I'd intended/hoped to become a vetrinarian specialized in zoology sort of as a back-up job to my eternal writing (my father has expressed his doubts over my writing choice as well but for me the very idea of NOT writing is like literally trying to rip out my soul from my body and just as painful... When I got sick I tried to come to grips with the idea I might not be able to write again. I've given up on trying to convince myself of it. Even if it's true, the idea of not writing is just like... lol taking away my very soul.) but when I became sick I had to come to grips with the fact that there is very little way I could actually be a zoo-vet with my sickness. I'd get sick too easily from the animals, and there's also the possibility that I'd pass it on to them, and I wasn't fond of the idea of 12 years of college. And I dealt with that ok, I had a mental list of several back-up careers. But as time wore on and there was less and less and less I could actually do I got worn down to playing games and watching TV.

And it was the watching tv which made me so determined to become a director that I could even withstand the recognition that it was likely to be "impossible." When I first started watching tv it was mostly because I had migraines; otherwise I'd just be on the computer. Gradually though TV became one of the few things I could do that I knew for certain wouldn't wear me out. Being on the computer involves sitting up, sometimes typing, and sometimes too much thought. Yes, I KNOW how pathetic that sounds. I assure you, I understand that better than you can ever begin to imagine but I've had to face a few facts in the past year. And the number one is that: with Chronic Fatigue ANYTHING can wear you out. And yeah. That can include sitting up. At least that's not true all the time -- that the sitting up wears me out I mean. Just days when I'm weaker than others. See with Chronic Fatigue it's really a gauge of how weak you are and what things will wear out your immune system or whatever else. It's not so much that things make you tired as they make you incapicated or mess with your immune system so much that you get sick from it. But I again I digress.

For me at least, TV does not wear me down. It does not make me weaker/sicker or tired. I can watch tv and not be any worse for the wear for having done so. Sadly, I cannot say this about ANYTHING else. This is why I can't read. Reading makes me sick. TV does not. Given the choice I'd have taken reading but the choice wasn't mine to make. And because of that I had to find ways to make TV more interesting for me. A lot of people wouldn't understand that. TV's supposed to simply entertain you as it is, you're not supposed to have to try to make it more interesting. However, I think a lot. Perhaps too much. I like to analyze things. I like my thinking. So in order for me to really not go insane from watching TV almost 8 or 10 hours a day (there is now way I'm going to actually try to calcualate it. I might be exaggerating but if I'm not, that would depress me.) I had to find a way to make it more intersting for myself. In doing so I took one of my good days (which is a day when my immune system and energy level are higher than others giving me opportunity to "spend" energy) and studied everything I could get my hands on about film production. Now when I watch tv I can analyze all the things I did before -- the things I took over from writing (plot, characterization, theme, setting etc. -- I'm very good at setting actually) -- AND things like camera angles, lighting, actor cues, actor plotting and so and so forth.

I've actually come to rather enjoy it and every so often when I'm actually paying attention (normally I'm doing something else at the same time like playing a gameboy game) I'll make a mental adjustment out to how *I* would have shot it. And I REALLY love watching anime. I think it's because of their settings (although there is the common fantasy aspect) I have a real thing for animation that's so beautiful it makes you want to jump into it. Miyazaki especially has a real talent for this. He's absolutely amazing at it. Speaking of amazing directors, it was one of the things I kept admiring ALL throughout the 3rd Harry Potter movie. The new director has this AWESOME artistic ... I can't even think of the word for it, talent I guess, for really setting up shoots and scenes and ... meh I can't even begin to describe it. Sometime if you ever watch it with me I'll point out to you what I mean. But it's just GREAT. If I ever DO get to become a director I want to be able to do that. It's just soooo beautiful. :) So even though I can't draw myself, and hell... at this point I can't even write anymore; I've got an anime series all plotted out in my head and someday I hope to write and direct it and actually get it onto television. And yeah, I know it can't be anime since it'd be American but it would be in totally Japanese style and if I have my way; with Japanese artists.

So even though I can't write, I can think and I can plot and mentally create. See for me, the creative planning part of my writing often comes in the forms of "daydreams" or at least the closest to daydreams I've ever had. And that I can still do. I can do that in the very worst of my migraines with my head under a pillow when I'm ready to scream at the top of my lungs except that it'd hurt my head and even then it won't make me sicker. Math problems can make my head spin sometimes though. It's ... well pathetic.

So if I hadn't gotten sick with this illness, I never would have been forced into the position of finding new ways to enjoy new things (ie television) and so I never would have decided to pursue my dream of becoming a director. I can't say I'm actually THANKFUL for the disease though. lol Jeff says that's the final step to "enlightenment" I think he's insane. I might be "wise" enough to have gotten to this point but I rather doubt I could realistically go much further. Being thankful for being sick would be too much like thanking a robber for mugging me. I think I'm just going to have to pass on that.

Hmmmmmmmmm It seems to me that I'd been talking about Eddie earlier and then all of a sudden I'm getting off my recent frustration with my illness and being bored out of my mind off my chest. Now how on Earth did I make THAT transition? *scrolls up* Oh yeah! I was talking about how I spend all my money on things to keep me entertained, and now that I'm sick and bored out of my mind, I generally have a greater desire/need to be entertained. Which reminds me of the other things on my "ists"

On the very top of my book list there is the Highwayman by R.A. Salvatore (a book about a Robin Hood-Zorro combination character, which of course is my fav. style character, by my favorite author EVER, OF COURSE it's #1 on my list!) but since I have other things to attempt to read before that, I won't be shelling out $20 any time soon, even though it would go to support my favorite author... well a little anyways. And also I've been wishing more and more often that I had more games for my Gameboy Advance. At the moment I'm thinking Ninja Turtles ($20, not so bad) and it's actually kind of a close call between that and things on my cd list. I might just wait until my little brothers go buy their own gameboy advance and decide to get it though. But again, I'm not sure. That could be a very long time, and this might be a very long summer.

In any case, shopping will happen this weekend, and I'll be getting something that will add to decreasing my boredom even if it only lasts for a relatively short time.

Hmmmm I seem to remember I said I'd explain the whole Laura staying home today... Okay so for a while now Laura's been trying to get out of Perkins. Her excuse being that she wants to go to a high school that will be able to help her get into college more, whether this is the only reason is highly debatable as with progressing time she's gotten in more and more trouble spots involving her school -- which led her current school and Westbubble to the belief that she's just running away from her problems. The problem with that theory though is that the trouble spots could just be occurring more, simply because she's ticked off that she's not in a school that'll help her get into college. No one knows better than I (except for my Mom) that Laura does not deal with her emotions well. She's also manipulative to the point which she will do things, not even necessarily on purpose to cause problems. She also can become drastically argumentative, obnoxious and a down-right pain-in-the-ass in ALL aspects of her life (though unfortunately, most particularly here at home) when one thing is upsetting her; even though she might not necessarily recognize the cause. Somewhere there is a giant book of psychological disorders and people who are extremely emotionally disfunctional and I'm sure that there's a giant color photo of my sister somwhere in there. So ANYWAYS, for almost a year now, Laura's been trying to get her school to switch her to a differnt one... again. But they weren't willing to do that. So she became more and more of a pain (I've had a better relationship with her over the past 6 months or so due to the way I handle things. Like calming wild animals. It became a lot easier when I realized that Laura is not a rational human being and should be treated more like a wild and fairly dangerous animal. lol I tell my little brothers she's like the tarrasque but to me she's more like a ... moose?) but in a school meeting yesterday Laura finally won out the battle and is being allowed to switch schools. The reason she stayed home today is that my Mom didn't feel like arguing with my sister over it. You might think that that really didn't warrant such a large and drastically long explanation but the information is important as it is likely to have an impact later on.

So yeah. Now let's cut out the last oh.... 5 pages of babble and go back to the story of my day and more prominently, Eddie. There Laura and I were... watching Murder She Wrote, 7th Heaven and eventually deciding to play N64 when we were told the horrible news of whom was coming to visit. I wanted to run away but being as sick as I am I'd get as far as the library and start feeling narcoleptic. And if Eddie wasn't bad enough... I had to go to the Dentist's today to have a cavity filled.

I get a very large number of cavities, though pretty soon my teeth will all be filled so there won't be anywhere left for the cavities to go. My excuse for this is really quite simple. Your brain works off of sugar. Sugar actually helps SOME types of migraines. Particularly cold sugar (ice cream, popsicles, and icees.) I have at least one migraine every day and at least 2 bad ones every week (typically 3 or 4 really bad ones a week) because of this, I end up eating a lot of sugar. I USED to drink a lot of soda (Sprite really) but now that I have problems with the way it's bottled (I can handle cans and restaurant soda, isn't that funny?) I've had to cut down on my soda intake rather drastically. This left me trying to fill my sugar needs in other ways which meant that I started eating a lot more candy, ice cream, milkshakes and icees when I got a migraine. Which meant more concentrated sugar which means more cavities. It's also part of the same explanation for why I put on about 15 pounds when I got sick, though there are several more theories amongst that, including that exercising of any kind makes me isanely sick. (How screwed up do you have to be when exercise which is SUPPOSED to make you stronger, actually weakens you????)

So yeah novocaine... I don't like it. I mean I like the fact that I don't actually have to FEEL the drilling which would be really painful but it lasts forever in my system. Oh! That's another weird thing about CFS. A lot of the medicines are a lot more effective/stronger. When I get medicines to treat the Chronic Fatigue they're always baby dosages. This is actually been true on my migraines too. I used to have to take two ultracets per migraine but now I can take them one at a time and they work as well as two did before. I asked one of my doctors WHY that is but they went into something about how the entire blood chemisty changes and after that it was completely over my head. My thyroid meds stayed the same though... I think because that's supposed to affect my blood differently? Really, I don't know. I try to keep up with all of this but I REALLY think you need those 4 years of medical school to understand most of it. As it is, even my doctors get confused with it sometimes. That's why nobody likes dealing with syndromes. :P

Luckily after I got back from the dentist's with my mouth all numb my Mom took Eddie and Brian to Brian's soccer game and that lasted for quite some time.

Hmmmm there was something else I wanted to say about the whole Eddie entanglement but I'm getting so sleepy now that I completely forget. That's the problem with all these sidetracks I make. It might have been something to do with how I have to sleep downstairs, which I normally don't appreciate being forced to do, but right now I'm so tired that it's rather kind of appealing to me. Darn. I still have to go get my pjs though. Mmmmmm Pj pants. *sleepy smile*