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Failure... My second greatest fear
Feb. 3rd, 2005 04:50 pmIt's not often that I get a chance to be very religious. Sometimes I try to be but it turns out I'm really quite awful at it. But today I feel the need to know God's there looking out for me and luckily, I actually do.
I've finally mastered how to "control" my dreams -- at least to a degree. Unfortunately it comes at a price and if I do it too often it messes up my sleep (as you may have noticed recently from many entries whining about it.) And so I've had to go back to getting to sleep the way I did BEFORE but this of course allows for the intrusion of nightmares.
I'm always heavily affected by the dreams I have the night before. I know that sounds far more mystical than I intended it too but it's true. If I dream about a real person in a nice way I'm more likely to be affected in my actions towards them all week. Once in 8th grade I had a small short dream about play rehearsal where Brian Finkleman kissed me. I didn't have a crush on him or anything at the time (my crush on him was during 4th grade) but for a good week afterwards I couldn't help but feel like being nice to him whenever he was around. Strange, yes... but there you have it.
Last night or well actually this morning. (I woke up at 9ish because my Mom was on the phone and this is the dream I had when I got back to sleep eventually) I had a dream about taking the SATs. I did VERY well on the English portion but so ridiculously bombed the Math section that it was like I hadn't learned anything from 8th grade and aside from which my total score was MISERABLY low of course because I did Soooooooo horribly on the math section. That wasn't all of the dream of course; in fact that was more the beginning of it but when I woke up this morning it got me thinking which doesn't often seem to be a good thing for me to do.
So now I am once again in a slight panic over just about everything... Will I ever be able get back to a "normal" life? It's a question that has plagued me ever since I got sick. Nevermind the thought of always being in pain forever but what about moving on? I often feel like I'm stuck on this strange little plateau where I can see everyone else moving about in their busy wonderful little lives (reminded of the song Out There from the Hunchback of Notre Dame) but where I myself am stuck to remain; going to doctor's visits, trying different meds and treatments and yet never getting better enough to slide back down and pick up where I left off.
It had... perhaps still is, been my intention to work with the rec. department to create a program to teach little kids batons -- mostly an excuse for myself so that I can twirl but also because I do want to teach little kids and aside from which it'll probably look good on my college application. But in January there were only two kids signed up and technically I think we're supposed to start next week, and honestly I haven't a clue what's going on. And so I think, this leads to me feeling a bit like a failure. After all; I haven't been able to do so much as CALL the rec. department to find out what's up because pretty much by the time I wake up, it's closed. *deep breath* And I haven't even been able to get my high school girls together to train them! Not once in 3 months! I feel miserable!
And homework... ugh... don't get me started.
In the past while I've been dealing pretty well with my surges of guilt and overwhelming panic about being sick all the time and unable to do anything I "should be." Because of course, it "Should be" my priority to get better. But I can't help it. All my life I have been indoctrined in the belief that I "should be" doing something. Something productive. Something worthwhile. Something with meaning. Something that will affect my future and make others happy. Just something... Be it homework/schoolwork, a job, writing, something... anything. And I can't. I'm FREQUENTLY frustrated at how little I CAN do but for a while now I've been pretty good and at grips and happiness with what I can and cannot do. I can read fanfictions, even if I can't read a book without difficulty. I can read manga with absolutely no difficulty whatsoever and it has become the staple of my life; like manna from heaven. I can watch tv, movies, and happily anime. I can't do things at the moment that anyone else would regard as all that productive but at least they are something that makes me happy and I feel like they will be helpful in the future.
But with the nightmare from last night, everything is bad. And I was freaking out a little again. So then when I got on the computer I checked my usual updates -- Mugglenet, emails, quizilla, messages, and my favorite fanfictions and lo and behold my particularly favorite sugarquill story has been updated with a Remus entry. I'm very very fond of the way these two authors deal with Remus' illness. It's very well done and for some reason it always makes me feel a bit better dealing with my own. And so, I'm calmed down and happier now and very much know that God really IS looking out for me.
I've finally mastered how to "control" my dreams -- at least to a degree. Unfortunately it comes at a price and if I do it too often it messes up my sleep (as you may have noticed recently from many entries whining about it.) And so I've had to go back to getting to sleep the way I did BEFORE but this of course allows for the intrusion of nightmares.
I'm always heavily affected by the dreams I have the night before. I know that sounds far more mystical than I intended it too but it's true. If I dream about a real person in a nice way I'm more likely to be affected in my actions towards them all week. Once in 8th grade I had a small short dream about play rehearsal where Brian Finkleman kissed me. I didn't have a crush on him or anything at the time (my crush on him was during 4th grade) but for a good week afterwards I couldn't help but feel like being nice to him whenever he was around. Strange, yes... but there you have it.
Last night or well actually this morning. (I woke up at 9ish because my Mom was on the phone and this is the dream I had when I got back to sleep eventually) I had a dream about taking the SATs. I did VERY well on the English portion but so ridiculously bombed the Math section that it was like I hadn't learned anything from 8th grade and aside from which my total score was MISERABLY low of course because I did Soooooooo horribly on the math section. That wasn't all of the dream of course; in fact that was more the beginning of it but when I woke up this morning it got me thinking which doesn't often seem to be a good thing for me to do.
So now I am once again in a slight panic over just about everything... Will I ever be able get back to a "normal" life? It's a question that has plagued me ever since I got sick. Nevermind the thought of always being in pain forever but what about moving on? I often feel like I'm stuck on this strange little plateau where I can see everyone else moving about in their busy wonderful little lives (reminded of the song Out There from the Hunchback of Notre Dame) but where I myself am stuck to remain; going to doctor's visits, trying different meds and treatments and yet never getting better enough to slide back down and pick up where I left off.
It had... perhaps still is, been my intention to work with the rec. department to create a program to teach little kids batons -- mostly an excuse for myself so that I can twirl but also because I do want to teach little kids and aside from which it'll probably look good on my college application. But in January there were only two kids signed up and technically I think we're supposed to start next week, and honestly I haven't a clue what's going on. And so I think, this leads to me feeling a bit like a failure. After all; I haven't been able to do so much as CALL the rec. department to find out what's up because pretty much by the time I wake up, it's closed. *deep breath* And I haven't even been able to get my high school girls together to train them! Not once in 3 months! I feel miserable!
And homework... ugh... don't get me started.
In the past while I've been dealing pretty well with my surges of guilt and overwhelming panic about being sick all the time and unable to do anything I "should be." Because of course, it "Should be" my priority to get better. But I can't help it. All my life I have been indoctrined in the belief that I "should be" doing something. Something productive. Something worthwhile. Something with meaning. Something that will affect my future and make others happy. Just something... Be it homework/schoolwork, a job, writing, something... anything. And I can't. I'm FREQUENTLY frustrated at how little I CAN do but for a while now I've been pretty good and at grips and happiness with what I can and cannot do. I can read fanfictions, even if I can't read a book without difficulty. I can read manga with absolutely no difficulty whatsoever and it has become the staple of my life; like manna from heaven. I can watch tv, movies, and happily anime. I can't do things at the moment that anyone else would regard as all that productive but at least they are something that makes me happy and I feel like they will be helpful in the future.
But with the nightmare from last night, everything is bad. And I was freaking out a little again. So then when I got on the computer I checked my usual updates -- Mugglenet, emails, quizilla, messages, and my favorite fanfictions and lo and behold my particularly favorite sugarquill story has been updated with a Remus entry. I'm very very fond of the way these two authors deal with Remus' illness. It's very well done and for some reason it always makes me feel a bit better dealing with my own. And so, I'm calmed down and happier now and very much know that God really IS looking out for me.
