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Feeling miserable
Dec. 6th, 2005 04:25 amI feel like... all the progress I made in the past year... getting OVER all this crap, no longer pitying myself and blaming myself for being sick and frustrated and guilty over not doing schoolwork... I'd finally gotten OVER all that and lately it's like I'm right back where I started.
I'm trying to figure out why but I don't really have an answer. I was doing really rather poorly this Summer, started doing better this fall and I'm already slipping into the low health section of winter but somehow I don't think that's it? Maybe I'm just not keeping up as well with my meds but I think there's something more.
I just had to reschedule my bio test for the 19th time in a row the other day with it scheduled for tomorrow at 2 because EVEYR SINGLE 4kids day I've been either too sick or worse; completely incapable of reading. I've come to deal with the pain, it's actually AMAZING what you can get used to after years of it. I've adapted... I've got my internet, my lovely, wonderful laptop, my DS and anime and manga. But I don't think I'll ever really be THAT ok with not being able to read. I can manage computer print a bit better because it cuts through the auras but I can't sit there and read my textbook... Me... who read Shakespeare and Mark Twain and Piers Anthony in third grade, the BIBLE as well as the Illiad and Odyssey that summer, Agatha Christie in 2nd grade.... me, whose favorite pastime is reading so much so that I took up writing... And I can't read.
And then trying to EXPLAIN that to someone... Well a) I don't even want to. I don't want to be whiney or even BRING UP that I'm sick to people but as I'm not taking my tests. . . But again... what am I supposed to do? Everyone keeps suggesting I have it read TO me but that's even worse... It hurts my head, I concentrate harder than on anything else and I won't even understand what I'm being told! Which only makes it worse for the failure and feeling so stupid.
All my life, I have NEVER ONCE felt stupid. I rarely make mistakes and when they do happen, well hey, mistakes happen to EVERYONE. I've been at the top of my classes and ENJOYED that position. And I didn't have to work hard to get there. Now though... I am working my absolute HARDEST and I'm getting NOWHERE. All my life's goals... totalled... even my little stupid temporary goals are shot to hell. And people say if you give it your best shot, then you're not failing, but what do they say to the kids they have to keep back or the employees they have to let go through no fault of their own but just because they're not up to the task.
I cannot remember a single time in my life, excluding sports, when I have not been up to the task. Whatever it was that needed doing, I could do it. If I wanted to reach for something, I found a way and did it... but now... I'm giving it my all to the point where I'm making myself SICKER and running myself miserable and I'm getting NOWHERE!!!
And worst of all is being told again that I just don't have the want... or the drive enough or that I've "given up." Yeah... because THAT'S the really problem. I finally stop making myself sick to the point where I can't even take my own goddam socks off and then I'm not pushing myself hard enough?!
I'm trying to figure out why but I don't really have an answer. I was doing really rather poorly this Summer, started doing better this fall and I'm already slipping into the low health section of winter but somehow I don't think that's it? Maybe I'm just not keeping up as well with my meds but I think there's something more.
I just had to reschedule my bio test for the 19th time in a row the other day with it scheduled for tomorrow at 2 because EVEYR SINGLE 4kids day I've been either too sick or worse; completely incapable of reading. I've come to deal with the pain, it's actually AMAZING what you can get used to after years of it. I've adapted... I've got my internet, my lovely, wonderful laptop, my DS and anime and manga. But I don't think I'll ever really be THAT ok with not being able to read. I can manage computer print a bit better because it cuts through the auras but I can't sit there and read my textbook... Me... who read Shakespeare and Mark Twain and Piers Anthony in third grade, the BIBLE as well as the Illiad and Odyssey that summer, Agatha Christie in 2nd grade.... me, whose favorite pastime is reading so much so that I took up writing... And I can't read.
And then trying to EXPLAIN that to someone... Well a) I don't even want to. I don't want to be whiney or even BRING UP that I'm sick to people but as I'm not taking my tests. . . But again... what am I supposed to do? Everyone keeps suggesting I have it read TO me but that's even worse... It hurts my head, I concentrate harder than on anything else and I won't even understand what I'm being told! Which only makes it worse for the failure and feeling so stupid.
All my life, I have NEVER ONCE felt stupid. I rarely make mistakes and when they do happen, well hey, mistakes happen to EVERYONE. I've been at the top of my classes and ENJOYED that position. And I didn't have to work hard to get there. Now though... I am working my absolute HARDEST and I'm getting NOWHERE. All my life's goals... totalled... even my little stupid temporary goals are shot to hell. And people say if you give it your best shot, then you're not failing, but what do they say to the kids they have to keep back or the employees they have to let go through no fault of their own but just because they're not up to the task.
I cannot remember a single time in my life, excluding sports, when I have not been up to the task. Whatever it was that needed doing, I could do it. If I wanted to reach for something, I found a way and did it... but now... I'm giving it my all to the point where I'm making myself SICKER and running myself miserable and I'm getting NOWHERE!!!
And worst of all is being told again that I just don't have the want... or the drive enough or that I've "given up." Yeah... because THAT'S the really problem. I finally stop making myself sick to the point where I can't even take my own goddam socks off and then I'm not pushing myself hard enough?!
