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I never thanked him.

For breaking up with me.

I know that seems weird, I mean for so long I was just depressed, and then I was kind of mad because it was literally like he broke up with me because I was sick, and how was that my fault? And even if I thought that might be selfish I really really didn't care because it was like right when I could need him the most he just disappeared, he called it quits and said, "Sorry, it's too much, I'm out of this crazy life you have." And just like that he was gone. And the sheer... brutality of this was just... harsh. I would never back out on a friend that needed me. Much less someone I loved.

I have a bad habit of wanting to disappear now and then. It's from the long habit of working near to death and then when I'm burned out, crashing with total escapism when I couldn't take it. So when I get extremely sick and a little whirled around, I just want to escape to a long book series and chill for a bit and when I do, I prefer to nearly shut off contact. It's not that I don't want people around and I don't mind them around. It's that I don't feel like answering the phone or going on aim because that's where my multi-tasking kicks in and even I sometimes don't want to multi-task. And sometimes, just sometimes, I don't want any distractions. I just want to read for me.

It used to happen to Randall a lot, and I know it drove him crazy. It was always when I was my sickest and I couldn't take the pain of talking or computers and just couldn't... it was like I'd disappear for two weeks. And when I came back I'd feel bad because I wouldn't have even realized that's what I'd done. I'd just gotten so absorbed in tuning out the migraines for a while that all I could think and feel was the stories flowing over me like rain.

I've always thought rain had a cleansing, healing effect.

And eventually when I came to realize that that's what happened I thought it was just because of the books so when I'd start a big book project I'd warn people I was half-disappearing and leave aim running just so people could reach me at least once a day if they needed/wanted to. Because, I never wanted to disappear from my friends, and I didn't mean to leave anyone wondering.

Even now when I'm not on aim for a while because of the headaches and whatever, people go a little crazy. (Mostly Faye and Kyle haha :P) But now at least Moosey will come huggle me and say, if you can handle the pain, you should go on, he misses you. And I'm stronger now so the computer doesn't hurt the way it used to.

But when David broke up with me, I felt completely betrayed and I even went through a bit of denial. It was JUST as I was getting CFIDS and at the time it felt like it couldn't have come at a worse time and the CFIDs combined with just not as much friend support really threw me into depression (for realz).

At the time I didn't realize, it couldn't have come at a better time. Because I needed him gone. I needed to sink without a log to hold onto in order to find my boat. Ahhh I know I'm using crazy metaphors (writer's habit?) but it's true.

I guess he wouldn't understand it now and I don't really want to explain it to him. If he hadn't broken up with me when he did, I wouldn't have really found OA and basically reached out for friends. I'm not the type that really needs friends to be honest. I have tiger/wolf habits where socially, I'm usually like a wolf (close tight-knit but small pack of friends/family and that is my circle that I watch over. I'm told I have a tendency to become even... or often... without trying to be the center of said pack and Erin and Lore and even Star insisted all through 9th grade I was the center of the circle and without me, the circle would fall apart and I never believed them I'd laugh and say, "Oh come on, you guys are the circle and there is no center!" but they'd shake their heads insisting because I was it I couldn't see it, and it wasn't 'till it all kind of fell apart I really thought maybe they were right) but when I'm weak/down/stressed/etc. I wind up like a tiger. I close in, and all I really want is to curl up in a tree and look down watching the animals I want to pounce and bite.

I guess in a way you could say, I'm naturally like a tiger but I usually try to be more like a wolf. And even though I was down for a long time it was like... like I'm used to people coming to me. And I couldn't save Moosey from getting sick too, and I couldn't help my Dad, or even myself. It was all I could do every day to keep from over-burderning my Mom and I hated that with a passion. Me, who was ALWAYS the most independent. Me, with the sucky cooking who still made her own dinners because at play practices, they'd forget I'd want food too, or just because it was hard to keep up with allergies. Suddenly I was forced to rely on people and forced to accept that.

And I'm used to people relying on me.

I don't know what it was that fateful day that made me suddenly start chatting to Heartless, Darcia, and most importantly, Kyle. I remember at the time I was hanging around OA in preperation for Anime Boston and I'm just naturally the kind of person that will start talking. But that, now, seems strange. When did I become that way? When I was so little I was terrified of people. I don't remember completely why. It was like, I didn't want to be around them very much. And I got picked on (in part because of my height and partly because of being so tiger-like -- kid you not.... I'm not kidding when I say I was exactly like Kisa when I was little) a lot. It was almost like people could sense that I wouldn't fight back so they just picked on me. And I didn't speak up.

I was quiet for so long. But in 7th grade at a parent-teacher conference my Mom who'd been worried since we moved to Westboro when I as in 3rd grade asked if I was still really shy and if I was starting to speak up and if there was anything they could do to help and my homeroom teacher was shocked and even said, "Chris??? Shy?????" because by that time I always raised my hand in class and I had friends.

Was it just when I first fought back in 7th grade? When I stopped taking being bullied lying down? I remember that too. Before I never fought back. Ever. I never wanted to hurt somebody. Just period. No matter how many times Laura or the kids next door hurt me, it didn't seem like a good enough reason to hurt them. And my Dad desperately tried. He tried and tried and tried to get me to fight back. I think he would have enrolled me in karate or fencing except that my Mom was so anti-violence at the time (haha she is like so much NOT now heh.) and maybe he was afraid even then, I wouldn't fight back, just get beat up. He taught me how to throw punches, where to hurt people, where hitting them would hurt the most and begged me to use them. He tried to explain some people would keep hurting me until I hurt them and even if violence IS bad, I couldn't keep letting them do that. That some bad people would try.

And it's so strange. I remember all of that and I remember LOVING the Ninja Turtles. Which I mean, it's pretty violent right, and I used to try to come up with my own karate ninja moves for it too. I wanted to fight like them too. But I never would. And I had cause, and I wasn't even scared... I just wouldn't.

And then one day it was like suddenly it all clicked. That it wasn't just me that was suffering because of it. Because Danny kept pushing me (literally and figuratively) and because of it I was slamming into other people who were tripping and spilling their books. And then I realized all bullies were that way. They didn't just hurt me, they hurt others too. And that was when I snapped.

Actually I think it wasn't just one day, it was more a process because by 6th grade I started scratching people when they were too much mean. And it was more Jon that made me snap like crazy. But once I did snap it was like... Suddenly, so many doors opened for me.

Part of me thinks it shouldn't happen that way. Violence is bad right? But I still can't say, "Yes, violence is bad." I say, "No, sometimes, it isn't that there's no alternatives, it is actually just the best one." And people go, "No! That's wrong! It's BAD!" And I say, "No. It's not. It's not always good but in some cases it's not bad." I guess trying to explain that it isn't black and white like that doesn't work. People want peace. I want peace too... but that's why I accept violence.

haha my life is a shounen.

But it's true. Some people are just "bad". They are going to use force to take out their problems and you can put them in years of therapy and it might slowly ease it but if you're being bullied and you CAN stand up to them, you have to. I know I shouldn't be saying things like that, that maybe other people can find other ways other than violence. But I really believe that. Because if you don't, they'll hurt other people.

Bleach speaks to me because of that. When Ichigo says that he wants to protect everyone and he was born first to protect his sisters, and when Chad has to learn that it's ok to use his fists at least to defend Ichigo. I go, "YEAH!" Because so often people try to teach the opposite and I don't think it even can work. My Dad said he had the same thing with the military. When he first joined he was actually just a medic because of moral objections but slowly he started to realize that just because you're against violence doesn't mean everyone else will be. And if you just let them be violent, they'll hurt people who CAN'T defend themselves, and that's wrong, they need to be stopped.

One Piece kind of tries to show that in a little sense. I mean the part with Shanks not fighting the bandit just because the bandit was an ass and Luffy doing the same with Bellamy but honestly it kind of bothered me. (In fact the ONLY thing I consider even less than perfect in the entire 200+ episode series)

I mean Eiichiro Oda lets the fight between the giants go on for HUNDREDS of years just for the sake of honor and has Usopp idolize them for that. But then after Shanks doesn't fight the bandit, the bandit beats up Luffy and almost kills and drowns him just to prove he's "tough." And Bellamy beats up Cricket Montblanc and steals all his gold. And both times I thought, "But that's so stupid... If you saw such a person behaving like that, wouldn't you KNOW. Wouldn't you just INSTANTLY KNOW, that if you don't teach them a lesson, they're going to do something REALLY bad to someone down the line?" And that's exactly what happened. And it always frustrated me. The giants were friends but still fought a duel to the death (well supposedly) over whose Seaking was bigger, but Shanks and Luffy letting themselves be hurt for the sake of not fighting someone so much weaker...

I don't know. It bothers me still. On the one hand part of me agrees that just because someone insults you isn't a reason to beat them up. And I've been that way for a while, even now I might get angry and a little in their face with growlies and things but my instant reaction is to want to laugh at them. Laugh because it's like ... like a 3-year old calling you a doo-doo-head. It doesn't hurt, how can it? They're 3, they don't get what they're saying completely and even if they do, does it really mean your head is made of poo? I mean, come on. It's like I guess when Laura was saying something back in what... October was it? Just before I left for Kyle's about me and college, honest to God, I can't for life of me remember. And everyone (well at least her) was so worried I'd been hurt or upset. And I was just like... why? Why would I CARE what she says?

Is that a self-centered way to see everything? I mean I'm happy when people compliment me if they really mean it because I'm glad I'm doing something they like, but I don't care anymore if I do something they make fun of me for. Because, why should I? Because I don't have to have them like me, I don't have to have them like every little thing about me, and if they don't, too bad for them, it's not my responsibility, goal, or desire to BE what they want. And if I tried to be what everyone wanted, I'd be nothing at all, and it's impossible. And I know I wasn't that way until 5th or 6th grade. I think Monica really was one of the people that helped me best at that. I used to get upset when people picked on me for reading Xanth, and I hated it when they called me names. I can't remember it as much now of the whys, I do remember a lot of it because of the tomboy thing... wait I do remember. Because I wanted to be friends with guys. lol. It's true. So the girls hated me for not liking dolls and clothes and more girly things and the guys considered me to have cooties. And when I DID find a guy who would be my friend, people would mock us until he gave up and stopped.

Well that's one of the reasons anyways. But it DID used to bother me. And now it doesn't. And it really hadn't for a while but I was worried if I just didn't care and let them keep calling me names then maybe they'd pick on someone else who DID get hurt by it.

I always laugh and tell people if I'm not at least a little teased (in a good way) by guys, I don't know how to react. It's always been true. My best friends would do what they could to get I guess "cute" reactions out of me the way Pat and Kyle do now. But in middle school when they whole Little Tiger and then killing Tigger etc. thing started I would fly off the handle and be kind of exaggeratedly, "BUT NO!!! I DIDN'T!" with the big reactions they were looking for. And Kim Machnick told me if I just ignored them they'd give up.

And I told her sadly and in all seriousness, "No, they'd move onto something else. Something that maybe did bother me or they'd just pick on someone else. And really, this I don't mind. If it bugs me a little, that's ok, so long as it stays like this." And she never got it. But I've seen it happen. I mean, my friends, I realize, would never have moved onto something like teasing me about my migraines or family -- which would have been a sore spot and maybe even a little painful, but I knew what my friends started would catch on to others (and did) and I didn't want somethings catching on with people who weren't saying it as a joke but because they thought maybe it really did hurt my feelings.

And I know it seems strange, to imagine that there are people who purposely TRY to hurt people's feelings but there really are. I don't know why and I don't know why I try to find excuses for them (home, bad family life). I remember in 3rd grade my Mom telling me that people who had to call other people names or insults did it because they felt so bad about themselves. And I felt so sad for them. Which is weird because they were trying to make ME sad instead. But instead of getting mad the way at least a good part of me does now, I really felt sad and wished I could find a way to cheer them up.

Randall always said he made friends with everyone and that's why he stopped being bullied. But I tried that actually. I guess he wouldn't believe me so I never really told him. But I did. There were a few times I really thought I'd gotten it to work... and that just made them beating me up a couple days later that much worse, because I was so sure they were my friends now.

I think really what made me start to realize that bullies bully others was because Pat started being bullied. I mean hell, Laura IS a bully so it's not like she was really all that uber-bullied in school (and, sadly, I'd probably see it as taste of her own medicine if she was) and that just... Even now if someone hurt Moosey I'd find a hard time not killing them. Because in first grade he was just this sweet, adorable, little blonde kid that always smiled and had the greatest laugh and they took that away. And until then it was like I was the only one who got bullied, and I didn't like it but it wasn't enough to make me fight back... but fighting back for others, that I could do.

And the day I punched Danny... I can't even tell how liberating it was. It was like ALL that fighting I did against MYSELF, of NOT letting loose, of NOT fighting because I knew... I always KNEW, it didn't matter how small I was, if I let myself fight I would hurt someone. It was like... instinct. Like instinctively, I knew when my Dad was trying to teach me that he didn't have to because I already know. It's the same screwed up way I just GET English class, and how just suddenly in my brain I can go from not understanding music, to getting something piece by piece by piece. I don't get HOW, I just know it IS. And with fighting, I'd always know that.

Most people who talk about holding back from fighting either hurt someone badly to begin with or were really bigger than everyone else (like Perrin from WoT or Chad in Bleach) but not me. I just knew I would, and I didn't want to really hurt them.

And I don't know why. I don't know why I knew, (although I am pretty sure it's not false knowledge, that I really DO know how to fight, even though my fighting is SO screwy no one knows wtf it is. Just ask Greg Sharp.) and I don't know why I didn't want to hurt them.

And when I did... it was like I was free.

And there were people who scolded me, classmates who came up and said, "How could you DO that to poor Danny?! I can't believe you punched him!! How AWFUL! What were you thinking?!" And "I can't believe you aren't getting expelled! What if a teacher had seen you?!" But I was SHOCKED by how many other people had been bullied and came and thanked me, actually super-duper thanked me from the bottom of their hearts for doing it. Even though I did it because I felt like I had to because he was hurting people besides me, I didn't know he'd bullied so many other people. I didn't get it. And then when they thanked me I just... wanted to protect them even more.

I still do. If I could find every one of them and make sure they never, all their lives, got bullied again by anyone, I would.

So I THINK really that that's when I stopped being so "shy". And part of me thinks maybe it was just because kids around me grew up. I've always been... a weird kid. Hell, I'm a weird adult. And I had some kind of grow-up habits, like reading books college people would be reading for class and then I'd have full discussions with them about it while I was still only 8-years old. And I didn't like dolls, I didn't ever want to wear dresses or makeup, and I didn't want to not be able to hang out with guys. But by 6th grade people were getting over cooties, reading giant books meant you had better grades and were pretty smart and being smart by 6th grade in my town was a really good thing. So maybe that's when I started being not so shy.

I don't know.

And having people suddenly rely on... me... I don't really know when that happened either. I can't point a date or time or anything and say, "AHA! There!" It was just I guess really really gradual. I'm kind of take-charge to begin with and supposedly people gravitate towards people like that? But in some ways... or a lot really I always thought it was more of a character flaw. Like maybe I just didn't have the patience to deal with people making mistakes I knew I could fix/prevent. Or that maybe I just always wanted to be in control of SOMETHING. I don't know... I'm just a bit of a control freak.

And that works. In my family I kind of have to be or something will fall apart....

Actually... I know. I know now why I really started making friends. It was because my Dad got sick with CFIDS. It was like after that, the whole petty bullying and everything was just, next to you, do you think you can do anything to make things for me worse? Go ahead and try, you're just a dog yapping because he's scared and I don't know what it's about or why you're involving me, maybe just because I'm small, but I don't care. And maybe it was really the not caring that gave me more confidence, strangely enough.

And I get why by 8th grade I was so control-freak-y. Because in my house with my Dad sick, not only had I become way more independent, I was trying to take on things he would be doing. Like teaching Pat and Brian how to ride bikes. I don't know if they remember that I was the one that taught them. I don't think they do. But I did... heh... I remember trying to get Laura too as well and it just was NOT going to happen. And whatever I could, I would do. Because it's like how I've always known... my Mom is a BASKET case. Not her fault, she's just ADHD like that. And for a while I thought maybe my Mom was the norm. and my Dad and I were just like superheroes with our organization etc. (give me a break, my whole FAMILY has ADHD except me, and in 3rd grade everyone else's desk was a mess etc. except mine because I wanted to always be able to reach in and grab my Shakespeare book or whatever and I didn't need any more reasons for my teacher to pick on me) And by 8th grade not only was I taking on things for my siblings but having friends at school was a little bit of an escape.

Like the causing manipulation and whatever if I got bored. So long as I had a distraction at school, it was all going to be ok. That's why the suggestion that I was schoolphobic always made me laugh. I couldn't WAIT to get away from Laura and be somewhere where I didn't have to worry about my Dad. And school was almost the only place for that. And then when the idea of how much crazy junk I was dealing with came out, I guess it WOULD be kind of natural to think my migraines had to be stress related. That infuriated me though because I knew they weren't. I just... don't really get stressed.

It's like... the more the circumstances are that people would GET stressed in, the better I feel emotionally because then it gives me a chance to shine, to charge in and be a hero and say, "Well I am Miss Order and I'm here to help!" I know that's TOTALLY crazy because well even though my whole family IS chaos, I'm only order in compariosn to them. To other people, I'm really very very much chaos I think. But to me, it's like in the midst of all that chaos, I go, "ahhhh I'm home." And I de-stress and relax and shine my best.

That's why I like doing 50 things at once. It's where I shine.

And I always like doing things I'm naturally good at it.

So taking care of people in the chaos -- I'm good at that. Sometimes I worry a little what a work-place I made would be like. And then I can't help but laugh and think it would be PERFECT. It'd be like "It's a Wonderful Life" situation where me being alive and making my production company is EXACTLY why I'm alive because it would be the EXACTLY perfect place for so many people. And I'm really not being egotistical with that, or even crazy it's just... Well that's what I'm good at, you know? I have a lot of plans for how I'm going to run it, I know all the things I have to do to have it run smoothly and I know MILLIONS of people are going to say I'm doing it all wrong and that it'll never work.

But it's like that fighting thing. I know I'll not only have it right, but it'll be amazingly successful. I don't know why I know... it's like imprinted on the inside of me of just truth and you can say I'm crazy/wrong/insane for thinking that but I still know it's true. It will be. And I'm not just saying that in a sense of because I want it to be so I'm saying it with all the conviction I can. More like in the sense of, it just WILL be.

And that reaching out and sheer honesty on that day so many years ago, the admitting truths that bugged me (yup, about my bra-size no less :P) to complete strangers... I wouldn't have been able to do that if Randall had still been around.

And honestly, I couldn't have made it through CFIDS if I was still dating him. I near died from the start of it, trying to adjust to what I couldn't do and the idea that not working or even not DOING something 24/7 was ok, I can just be. Jeff tried to hone that idea in so often I feel bad for him and I really really can't thank him enough for helping me out with it because I couldn't have come to accept it enough without his constant help. But if I'd been still dating Randall... I never would have accepted it at all.

And I never would have been so ready to confide anything in people online just for the hell of it (oh me and my boredome issues.) But because of that I made my best friends to date and I met Kyle.

Kyle who is so unbelievably perfect for me that even though it is cliche and sounds RETARDED to say, we're destined for each other, it's like right out of a story. And really... I guess, that's what I wanted my whole life. I mean, well I wanted to be in a fantasy book but this is rather fairy-tale like. I never told Randall (though I have told Kyle) but the reason I really wanted him to grow a beard (apart from me just liking beards to begin with) was sometimes when he took off his glasses and we kisses I would see someone else's face.

Which sounds freaky. And it was. It freaked me out massively the first time. I was convinced there was something wrong with my brain (isn't there always?) And it's also funny because I whine all the time that my auras are boring (they really are) and if I'm going to be cursed 24/7 why couldn't they be cool and actually mean something -- even if I didn't know what -- like that weird psychic who could gain information by osmosis (placing books under his pillows) or Min from WoT, and at the time I totally thought it was an aura problem. And the face was a lot LIKE Kyle's so I thought maybe it was like I was just thinking of a memory of someone like him without glasses on. (It was a little like a memory but even though I didn't want to think it, it was like a memory in reverse... which of course didn't make sense to me at the time so I shrugged it off as ok let's go with memory brought on by the lack of glasses)

And I went through EVERY person in our school who looked even remotely like David and tried to get them without glasses on. (I swear I think that might be why Star and I started randomly pouncing on Zach and stealing his glasses) and it was never any of them. But it got worse because the more it went on, the stronger it got, and I kept getting a weird feeling that I was supposed to be dating THAT person instead. Which drove me crazy because believe me, when it's THAT strong, I don't CARE how freaking off the wall insanely crazy it is, I go with it. It's like not only instinctual, but like over-riding everything else like I would DIE if I didn't do such a thing. Only worse. Like someone else close to me would die because of it. I know it's crazy but it felt like that. And you don't ignore things like that. You just don't. You'd die if you did :P (It's like a normal person's instinct to not stab themselves in the heart. If you even think about doing it, you get a strong feeling of no... that'd be bad. At least I think they do? Right???)

So I felt bad when that happened because it was like, a) I felt guilty because all instincts screamed I was supposed to be with other guy which really, was very very fucked up. And b) here I HAD Randall, he liked me, I liked him but instincts were saying no. And I didn't want them to say that because they shouldn't. I didn't know who the other person was, why I was seeing them and why I shouldn't be dating Randall.

And when I first started dating David, it was like I always knew, it couldn't last, and I felt bad about that too, because it wasn't that I didn't want it to. It was just that someday he'd find someone better suited for him (though not, mind you the other way around and I'll explain why in a bit.) And before really really getting to know him, I didn't believe in any of the possibilities that there could be one perfect soulmate etc. out there for you. (Which I know I mention a lot when I bring up Kyle but it's important for the story explanation) but it was like Randall was SO close to absolutely perfect that I figured if there was such a thing, he had to be it, right? And then I started thinking well maybe if he's so close, that could mean someone out there really IS 100% perfect for but it couldn't be Randall because he's not it.

And it wasn't until YEARS later when after I was already dating Kyle that he showed me some younger pictures of him. Pictures of him as he was when I was dating Randall... and I was like.... I can't explain it. I mean, maybe it's weird/abnormal/so-called supernatural enough to MAKE my life a fantasy epic after all. And people will try to explain it away or figure I'm making it up or whatever. And be my guest, you can think wrong :P But it was him I'd been seeing them. Him as he exactly was at the time whenever HE took his glasses off. And when I realized that I didn't know what to do or say... or think. It was... impossible. It didn't make sense. At first I thought... but how... how could I have been seeing him as a memory when I'd never met him? How could I be "seeing" him at all? Why.... well I get the why... But just.... how.

I have some theories. Moreso to do with those damn psychic dreams. You know, it REALLY sucks to be a disbeliever in such things yourself. I think it's TOTAL crap. ALWAYS did. I mean... just no, right? Ghosts, fortune telling, all of it... made up. And mind you, I'm the screwed up type that if you told me dragons and unicorns were real and you'd seen them yourself I'd get all sparkly-eyed and go "Really?! I always knew it. . ." with a dreamy expression (no joke. And I try to remind myself um, no they're not. They're probably, like my Dad says, notions concieved because of dinosaur bones and one-horned antelope. But I can't bring myself to really believe it. I want to believe in dragons and so I do. I honestly can't get myself to really think they're not.) And yet, psychic visions, people with soulmates? That was always, hahaha yeah right to me.

So having it happen...

And I can't brush it off. I can't explain it away with something else, don't get me wrong, I tried. So you can think I'm crazy (but I've been tested a LOT on that) and whatever you want. I just know... that's the way it is. I saw Kyle when I was in 11th grade as the person I was supposed to be with. And that's when I started checking him to that stupid stupid list I made and could never get rid of.

And the more I did the more stunned I got and thought, omg... how... but... What can I say? It just is. And it's .... *deep happy breath* It's perfect. It's everything you could want in fairy tale.

When I made the character Zach, I made him after the idealized imaginary what Zachary Beeman would be like if he got older, romantic figure I'd developed when I was so lonely in elementary and middle school. I knew Bridgette couldn't have him because it wasn't right. Bridgette went with Sir Billium. That's just the way it IS.

But Zach to me was all the things perfect. That I'd ever really been able to imagine wanting in a guy. Just that idealized figure.

Spoilers for my book series (not JUST the Magic Pen but the sequel series at that) if that will bother you skip this paragraph: And when I was coming up with romantic possibilities for Little Tiger (not me but a me-character) at first I had 3 options. An actual lythari, an elven bard not lythari that she went with to go FIND other lythari, or Zach. And Zach didn't fit in with the plot. It was confusing but the more I thought about it the more I liked it. And eventually, I don't even remember when or how (though I did bring it up with Sarah as I was turning it over in my head a lot) they wound up being a side romance I completely developed for the Magic Pen sequel trilogy and later on for my werewolf book. And it made me want to squee and huggle them at how well... cute and perfect they are together. Which is sad, because I made them, but that's the way I am.

And after a while I also realized... all those idealized things I'd picked for Zach are just incidentally Kyle things. Not as if I created Kyle but as if in my head, I'd always been longing for him but I never knew that so I created "Zach." And I've never known how to explain that to him. I once told him that I didn't want to stop liking fictional characters because it makes me lose a writing edge, and it's true. I need to be able to be all, "yayz! I like this character because of ..." even though it's crazy because it helps. It lets me get in my world inside my head and I don't even KNOW how to explain it. But at the same time... now I wish I could explain that it isn't even that I compare the characters TO him... they just ARE him.

Like when I see the things I like about Ryoga, it's things I like about Kyle. Or the things Zoro does I like, are things Kyle does that I adore. And I don't know how to SAY that all along, all my LIFE even, the reason I was even drawn to those characters is because just like I KNEW I wanted to be a writer, just like I knew I love animals, just like I know when my head is at a 6 or higher, without thinking about it, I just do... I just knew that that's what I wanted. That that's what I was looking for.

And when I was younger I felt bad for that because I didn't want to have in mind all set out what I wanted, I felt I should be more open to possibilities (I mean duh, it wasn't like I was into the soulmate belief anyways) but it was like... so perfect I couldn't get rid of it. It just stuck.

And I don't know how to tell him all that. It's just too crazy and hard to understand maybe? But Kyle is my Zach. And I know, (really at this point you're going to have to trust my feelings like I am right because how else will we get anywhere) that I made Zach in an attempt to shadow what I wanted.... which was everything Kyle is. And I never knew it was Kyle...

So part of me now wishes I could thank Randall. Without having to explain about Kyle and all the rest because I don't really want to tell him. Just because I am so unbelievably grateful.

And I don't mean that in a mean way like, well you sucked as a boyfriend and you're not as good as Kyle and now I've moved on so haha sucks for you way. I really AM grateful. Really really really grateful. And TO Randall. For breaking up with me when he did. It isn't even that beyond forgiveness thing, just honestly... grateful.

Honestly... I kind of wonder if maybe he knew something too. Like maybe he knew by that point we had to break up because I had to do something I couldn't do with him still by my side. I know that seems strange too but I think I'm kind of happy thinking that maybe it's true. We had more in common than I think either of us really wanted to admit and for all his denying God and the rest, I didn't really get it. And now... I kind of wonder if it was his way of trying to push me away. Like he knew in that weird cosmic destiny sense that I do random weird things. I don't really believe in coincidences. In story and life it doesn't happen. Chance, sometimes. But this...

Maybe I'd want to ask him if he did... but I'm almost scare of if he said yes. I'm scared of having things I can't explain or really understand, and the fact that this is pretty... weird... confuses me. But at the same time, even if he said no I'm crazy, I don't think I'd believe him. haha. Maybe it's like with dragons, part of me can't let go of the idea, and maybe I'm just romanticizing it and maybe part of me thinks wow... he's even ... I can't believe I'm so harsh on him and thus giving him a way out of the "mean light". But it's like an itching on my shoulder blades, a little part of me saying it's just so... it would explain a lot... And really it would.

I hope if Randall's still trying to find himself, he does and then finds someone perfectly suited to him to go with it. I almost... heh... I don't even think I could DESCRIBE the way I wanted to react the last time we talked.... he was telling me about his new girlfriend and I wanted to shout at him, but don't you see, she's almost IDENTICAL to me?! What is WRONG with you not to get that?! And part of me was so confused that she WAS so close to me in weird random ways and yet... still missing things. So if it's like Kyle's and my situation, I really really hope she's that way because of the way Kyle's kind of that way.

So MANY little things... jeez I was just running through a list and it's like.... amazing. Things I'd forgotten even. Like when Randall wanted to be a professor (and Kyle wants to be a teacher.) It's just... well, amazing. Mind-blowing really.

I wish I could thank him. And part of me wonders if maybe in some way, he didn't already know.

And the weirder thing is... I think supposing he had the same weird thing going on (he gets migraines and auras too) and saw say her face on mine, and all of the rest... neither of us would want to discuss it. We'd just want to let it go... I don't know that that is the case for him, like I said. But he always said some things were just better left unsaid, in this case, I really agree for a change. So this goes out not even to him. Just to everyone else because I need to explain it.

The last time I saw Jeff he asked if Kyle and my staying together re-affirmed what we talked about (my whole not believing in the one thing but Kyle's just so... it's like ... hmm and even though I didn't want to get married... I can't imagine NOT spending my whole life with Kyle because that's where I'll always be happiest etc.) and all I could do was grin... Re-affirm? MORE affirm. Every DAY I realize more and more and more what I wish I could have realized all along. This is what I wanted. What I've ALWAYS wanted deep down. Just like when I suddenly realized that I wanted to direct and I'd never had the guts to decide that before because I knew what people (and my Dad) would say. But when I did realize it I knew that deep down, it was what I ALWAYS wanted to do. What I'd be MOST perfect at... what maybe my whole ENTIRE life had been leading up to!

My life, my heart, my whole being... all of it is for you Kyle. Do with it as you will, I could never want anything more. I'm serious when I say you're so unbelievably PERFECTLY everything I could ever imagine and want and more, and I wish I was much that way for you, so I just hope that I am and can be.

If you ever read this Randall, (though I doubt you will) and if you don't already know: Thank-you. That's all that needs to be said really, just thank-you. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart for breaking up when we did. Thank-you.