(no subject)

Fuck. Of the three people I want to talk to, no one's on. I should really see about getting Faye something... or something.

And Moosey... it's too late to call him. *sigh*

And I feel like I've been leaning on Kopper so much that he's starting to snap.



Pain I can deal with. I do it. I get on.

It's everything else that makes me want to cry.

The heartache, the frustration, the feeling of complete and utter lonliness even when surrounded by friends...

I'm so tired of it all.

I hate dealing with people who don't get it, people who don't WANT to get it, and people who just never ever will get it. And it's like even if I find something very heartening tiny things shatter it untill I feel like I'm bleeding.

Why does it have to be so goddam fucking hard?

It's ALWAYS hard. I mean yes, yes, if it go easy it'd be Wall-E and who wants that? But there's a difference between expecting everything to be done for you and not wanting to be kicked when you're down.

I want to help.

I want to help EVERYONE.

And who do I help?

I don't even know anymore.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I was at a level 10 because I thought he (and me) was having fun but now I'm just...

I WANT to let him have space. God knows I need it to get work done and I don't help him when I'm around, I'm a distraction.

But I'm scared. So fucking scared and all alone and I've got no one to talk to and not a friend in the world and everyone I would turn to is him or just...

God I feel like I've been kicked so many times. Does it ever become ok to say, "Yeah that's enough, you can stop now"? I DON'T deserve it. No matter what the crazy voice in my head starts to say, I don't. I'm not evil, I've never purposely caused someone pain or left them IN pain without trying to help, I've never done any criminal acts. I don't DESERVE anything. I'm not saying I deserve cake on a silver platter and a bed made out of clouds, I'm not asking for that. I just don't want to get kicked.

I worked a lot. People who know me know that. I worked and got bored when I stopped. I miss work. And people who know me know that too. Or do they?

How many of my friends think I just got lazy or burnt out from stress and just didn't WANT to continue with a life and if I wanted it back all I had to do was reach for it? How many of my friends thought I was over-acting the whole being sick? How many of my friends just couldn't stand being around me just because I had so little to contribute or DO with them anymore?

Seems like almost all of them.

Doesn't ANYBODY know how much I miss simple hiking? Or link the fact that I get giddy around animals with the idea that maybe I DID something with that? Does anyone consider what I'd LIKE to be doing and why I'm not???

I have to try my goddam fucking hardest not to scream in pain, I have to try my SUPER hardest not to throw what used to be my favorite games against the wall, I have to try hard not to cry for just... DAYS on end about how unfair it is.

I mean yeah, ok it's unfair, so what? Does that make me feel better? Does that make anyone ELSE feel better? Does it change ANYTHING at all? Nope.

I used to always always want to defend people. Be like, "Well maybe it's a defense mechanism, they don't want to think life/nature/luck/God can just pile so much without it BEING someone's fault." That's what Job's friends were like, no? I mean I still get it. It's the idea that they're not to blame for being hurtful because a) they think they can "rescue" you from yourself b) they can't handle the idea of so much bad things without a "reason" and c) It's easier.

It's easy to say Laura's fat because she's lazy and instead of working on fixing the emotional problems, she eats. And even for it's seeming ring of truth it doesn't go deep enough to the heart of the problem and even just saying it is going to make her eat more, no? Don't get me wrong, she doesn't do crap about fixing the emotional stuff because she pushes away her own psychologists and she's so deep in denial that she can't do anything about it without first recognizing what kind of a problem it is, which she's not willing/not ready to do yet. And that is why I gave up trying to help. I can't MAKE her exercise and it's not worth it if she doesn't want it.

But you know what? She has never ASKED for my help.

I want to give up on myself.

Seriously I do.

I mean if everyone else is willing to give up on me and thinks I already DID give up on myself, why the hell not?

But I have too many answers to that.

Because deep down inside, I'm smarter than that. I know that I don't REALLY want to give up on myself because even if my CFIDS continued until I died I'd rather keep striving on the slimmest chance I can pull out. What kind of a life is this? I don't want it. If someone else does, they're welcome to it but it's not for me. I want to do BIG things, on a nice happy GRAND scale. Disney World kind of things. Secretly running a presidential puppet kind of things. Movies that break records and make MILLIONS of people all over the world really happy. You can't do that wallowing in self-pity or self-loathing. And for all I've tried, I don't think I CAN do it as sick as I am.

But I'm pulling out so I can't stop now. I WON'T stop now. Nothing can make me. No more relapses where I'm headed.

And I'm not doing it to prove anything to any of them. I'm doing it for me.

And even if my whole life of striving for big things I only do little things (legal secretary organizing one lawyer's office; helping Moosey with his restaurant, writing fanfics if I never get to work on my books) at least I will know (even if no one else will) that I tried my hardest.

Trying my hardest and failing hurts a lot less now. If people have got a problem with that they can fuck off and try THEIR hardest and fail and THEN we'll talk.

I want to hug and talk to Kopper but where he is I have no way of getting the message through.