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Ignore the Whinings
Sep. 24th, 2008 11:20 pmI don't remember what it's like to feel healthy anymore.
There was a time when I couldn't clearly remember the pain. As soon as the pain subsided, all was right with the world again and when trying to explain the pain to someone (doctors) I couldn't put my finger on what it had been like. But supposedly that's the way normal people are supposed to feel with pain.
But now...
Even as I get better I have trouble actually knowing what it should be like. If I was truly painfree, I wouldn't be invincible. If the CFIDS went away, I'd still have some health problems. SOME allergies, SOME migraines, but I fear that maybe what I think is bad, what I know is making me sick and the awful feelings that maybe they are just normal. That maybe everyone gets sick when they push themselves but I'm weaker than everyone else. Maybe instead of accepting the pain and inability to move and sheer fatigue I do blow it out of proportion and think it's worse than it should be and that makes it worse for me. Psycho-somatic like they said.
I know it doesn't make sense. Over a million people in the U.S. have CFIDS and the reason they can't work either is because they're sick.
I don't want to be this way.
I want to be healthy. For the sake of not feeling sick, so that I can read without reprecussions, so that I can write, so that I don't have to be scared of otherwise healthy food, so that I can exercise. So that I can do my best at something and if I fail it won't be because I'm too sick. So that if I fail, I can pick myself and try all over again without getting my ass kicked by myself for a month.
But I don't even know what it will be like anymore.
When I am better, will I be able to write freely? Which allergies will stay? Will my instincts stay to help me? Or are they just a byproduct of CFIDS and leave when it leaves? Will I ever be able to have balance between work and play? Sleep and life?
Or maybe will I get shakey on days that seemed good and not know why? Will I always feel like I have the flu and even though I'm trying my best, fail to be strong enough to do what I want to, what I need to in spite of that?
I don't know but I'm scared.
Determined, but scared.
Someday I'll be one of the greatest fantasy writers ever, I hope. And if I'm lucky I'll get through college and get to work on my all film projects ideas.
But today, right now, I've realized I don't understand what that will be like. I have hopes, and I have fears but I don't know. No one does. I could take this with excitement, like my getting over CFIDS but it's hard to view something as fun when it kicks you down so many times. Maybe I'm more normal than I give myself credit for. After all, what my fears really boil down to is that I'm afraid of the unknown. Afraid that I won't be strong enough despite all evidence to the contrary. And what could be more human than that?
There was a time when I couldn't clearly remember the pain. As soon as the pain subsided, all was right with the world again and when trying to explain the pain to someone (doctors) I couldn't put my finger on what it had been like. But supposedly that's the way normal people are supposed to feel with pain.
But now...
Even as I get better I have trouble actually knowing what it should be like. If I was truly painfree, I wouldn't be invincible. If the CFIDS went away, I'd still have some health problems. SOME allergies, SOME migraines, but I fear that maybe what I think is bad, what I know is making me sick and the awful feelings that maybe they are just normal. That maybe everyone gets sick when they push themselves but I'm weaker than everyone else. Maybe instead of accepting the pain and inability to move and sheer fatigue I do blow it out of proportion and think it's worse than it should be and that makes it worse for me. Psycho-somatic like they said.
I know it doesn't make sense. Over a million people in the U.S. have CFIDS and the reason they can't work either is because they're sick.
I don't want to be this way.
I want to be healthy. For the sake of not feeling sick, so that I can read without reprecussions, so that I can write, so that I don't have to be scared of otherwise healthy food, so that I can exercise. So that I can do my best at something and if I fail it won't be because I'm too sick. So that if I fail, I can pick myself and try all over again without getting my ass kicked by myself for a month.
But I don't even know what it will be like anymore.
When I am better, will I be able to write freely? Which allergies will stay? Will my instincts stay to help me? Or are they just a byproduct of CFIDS and leave when it leaves? Will I ever be able to have balance between work and play? Sleep and life?
Or maybe will I get shakey on days that seemed good and not know why? Will I always feel like I have the flu and even though I'm trying my best, fail to be strong enough to do what I want to, what I need to in spite of that?
I don't know but I'm scared.
Determined, but scared.
Someday I'll be one of the greatest fantasy writers ever, I hope. And if I'm lucky I'll get through college and get to work on my all film projects ideas.
But today, right now, I've realized I don't understand what that will be like. I have hopes, and I have fears but I don't know. No one does. I could take this with excitement, like my getting over CFIDS but it's hard to view something as fun when it kicks you down so many times. Maybe I'm more normal than I give myself credit for. After all, what my fears really boil down to is that I'm afraid of the unknown. Afraid that I won't be strong enough despite all evidence to the contrary. And what could be more human than that?
