silverwolfcc (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
silverwolfcc) wrote2004-02-18 12:26 pm
silverwolfcc) wrote2004-02-18 12:26 pm
Not a good day
Why is it whenever I wake up incredibly happy, warm, fuzzy, and oh-so content, it ends up being a very bad day?
It seems I only write in this when I am having a bad day so before you get a mistaken impression, I do have good days. Just not as often as I would if I say, lived on my own.
It was supposed to be a good day. I hung out with Leanne yesterday, I was able to go through last night without becoming wretchedly sick with migraines and we (meaning Leanne and I) even dyed my hair. It's now got this fun reddish-pink tint to it. Also we were supposed to go to the Rainforest Cafe today. Which turned out to be... well, a problem.
My Dad got a migraine last night and stayed up all night playing Pokemon on the N64. But mind you, he played the Pokemon gameboy game on the N64 simply because he's screwwy like that. He also restarted the same game for the 5th time in only one week. It's pathetic really. How many times must you go through the beginning before you even GET to the middle? *eyeroll* In any case, he's now attempting to finally get some sleep -- though with the yelling going on, it's not likely to happen. This also means that he can't go to the Rainforest Cafe. Well this was not unexpected as my Dad often cannot make a lot of planned events, which is one of the hazards of planning things for a person with Chronic Fatigue.
However, my sister apparently found it unexpected and is now hysterical over it. First she started beating on Patrick (they were doing dishes) and claiming that she "only wet him" -- like this somehow made it any better. And then she went into a raging tirade about how she's "a cancer on the family" and that she shouldn't go to the Rainforest Cafe because she'll only make the other people miserable. This of course is a ridiculous statement. She is currently making people miserable and she doesn't bother with verbally attacking people while she's eating because she's often too busy eating. However, to convince of her of this is well.... quite impossible.
My sister does not have a firm grip on reality. She apparently lives in an alternate Universe of what is "real." Sure, you could go into the whole, "what is real? It's all just perception" thing but then I'd have to smack you. That is considered "deep thinking" by morons and in truth is just plain stupid. In any case, my sister does not recognize what is truly reality because she lives too often in a world where she makes up things within her mind and then becomes convinced that they are real. And this is not to say that it's the same as say O.J. Simpson's case. It is more of a "the whole world picks on me and beats me up all the time" because in her mind she sees people picking on her so she comes to believe this really happened.
A foolish person might say that I don't know what's going on inside her head but they would be partly wrong. For the most part I do not have a CLUE as to why she is freaking out the millions of times she does, however; human emotions are like puzzle pieces with causes and effects and more of the same in between each one. The more you figure out one piece, the easier the next becomes. In my sister's case. . . well, let's just say I know her better than she knows herself. But this is not so hard as she doesn't believe that she has ANY emotions at all when she is screaming and crying hysterically but it is clearly not the case.
I left my cds upstairs. This was definitely a mistake as I now have no choice but to listen to my sister screaming. It's funny, you know? Kids whose parents are divorcing or whatever end up doing all the same things I do when their parents start yelling at each other. But I can remember one time in my entire life my parents EVER had an argument (it was over me) and even then they didn't yell. But here I am day after day, just like a divorced-parents kid, slowly losing my mind from the constant battles that shake my house to it's core, but it's generally my sister who's the one fighting. Patrick and Brian fight too, but their fights last 3-5 minutes and then they're done with them. Also, not to sound like I'm blaming Laura (please understand, I'm not) but when Laura was in foster care, they weren't fighting with each other at all. It was ... infinitely more quiet. I got a lot of writing on my book done during that time.
As I previously said, I don't blame my sister. She doesn't recognize WHAT the problem is and as such, cannot possibly hope to fix it. She needs help. Unfortunately, she's not getting the help she needs and another 50% of the time, she doesn't cooperate with the people trying to help her. See I know that she needs a) better counseling, b) a school she feels safe in -- she hates her current school and feels not only insecure there but abused by her classmates for many obscure reasons c) medicines that she could actually take without freaking out and that would help and possibly d) more reliable friends. I'd also say she needs her own room but she already has that and while it helps, without at least two of the other four, it doesn't help enough.
So my Mom and I are once again looking at schools for my sister to go to. We did this back when she was in 8th grade. (I was in 10th) So I didn't originally have much hope in the idea, after all this would be 5th new school, and if the last one didn't work. . . . But the last one did work. For about a year and a half which is really all the new one needs to work for because then she'll be off to college. And I'm now at a point where the more my sister goes crazy every single day, the less I empathize with her school system. They're making her miserable and thus everyone else in my family in the process. Not that her school at all recognizes this. My sister tries to avoid freaking out in front of other people -- just as I try to avoid revealing the pain from my headaches to others.
But it's all good. I like long car-rides and going to 6 different schools across MA (5 if we don't do the one on the Cape) is sort of like my idea of a holiday. I like road maps. My Mom doesn't. heh... that's an understatement. My Dad tried to teach her how to use them and she's got a vague idea but she's very bad at it. I have it all by instinct. Because we go all over the place looking at school after school after school, I now know most of MA, excluding like 70% of the Berkshires. It's fun really. And the only town I get lost in, oddly enough is Andover -- where my grandparents live, simply because whenever I go there someone else is driving who knows the way. The rest of the towns, I have to pay attention to because my Mom gets lost so easily, but she knows Andover well. Oh well, I've been told that once I start driving myself, I'll know Andover well too.
So moving along... my sister stopped fighting and is probably in her room "reading." I have no idea what's up with the Rainforest Cafe tonight as she claims she doesn't want to go (even though it's her favorite restaurant and Laura staying away from food is like . . . eh not going there.) and since my Dad isn't going. And looking outside, it's no wonder. It's incredibly cloudy and that really screws up one's headaches. Oddly enough, I don't seem to be having a problem with them. I am having a problem with muscle cramps though. Moreso than usual I mean. Last night it was my foot that was hurting a whole bunch, then the other as well and now both my legs, thighs down but in particular my ankles and calfs. It's nice to complain about my pain an not have someone get upset one way or the other over it. :)
I'm not really sure why my legs hurt. Besides the general, fibro-myalgias + winter = insane muscle pain (not to mention that my muscles just don't seem to work.) But I'm guessing it was because I tried doing my mini-exercises again. Still, I did VERY light exercises simply because I couldn't handle any more than that (curse you CFS! I should be able to handle more!!) but even still, I'm in pain. And let me explain again, in case anyone is foolish enough to think this is like normal muscle cramps. It's not. It's debiliting, searing, God-awful, wretchedness pain. Vaguely like Parkinson's disease actually. For more information on CFS, go here: http://wellness.ucdavis.edu/medical_conditions_az/chronicfatigue07.html
I found it last night when I was trying to see what kind of exercises are supposed to help patients like me, and which kind hurt. It's the most comprehensive website on CFS I've ever seen and as far as I could tell, highly accurate -- which is a point a lot of websites about CFS miss out on.
So yeah. I think I need professional help when it comes to exercises here. For the past year and a half that I've had this I've been completely denying that but I'm a t point now that I have no clue WHAT I can do for exercising and everything I do do, makes it worse. But I want someone who's like a specialist with Chronic Fatigue patients because the last thing in the world I want is to get any worse which would be a MAJOR hazard of doing exercises at the wrong pace. I should ask my Dr.s if they know anyone like that.
That's one thing I've got that most CFS patients don't. Some of the best Dr.s in the world. It's actually one of the main reasons I don't want to immediately go to college in CA, even though I do want to intern out there. Even though I won't be able to do college until I'm at least a little better, I don't want to assume that I'll be all better and my guess is that I'll still need to continue treatment with my Boston doctors. lol That was one of my big reasons for completely loving Harvard -- they have shuttle rides to Longwood Avenue (the street Children's Hospital is on) like 6 times a day because that's where all the Harvard med students go for classes and training. Pretty nifty if you ask me.
Anyways I'm leaving again. I'm either going to go do some writing for class or I'll end up playing Icewind Dale... or N64. But in any case I'm out.
~CC
It seems I only write in this when I am having a bad day so before you get a mistaken impression, I do have good days. Just not as often as I would if I say, lived on my own.
It was supposed to be a good day. I hung out with Leanne yesterday, I was able to go through last night without becoming wretchedly sick with migraines and we (meaning Leanne and I) even dyed my hair. It's now got this fun reddish-pink tint to it. Also we were supposed to go to the Rainforest Cafe today. Which turned out to be... well, a problem.
My Dad got a migraine last night and stayed up all night playing Pokemon on the N64. But mind you, he played the Pokemon gameboy game on the N64 simply because he's screwwy like that. He also restarted the same game for the 5th time in only one week. It's pathetic really. How many times must you go through the beginning before you even GET to the middle? *eyeroll* In any case, he's now attempting to finally get some sleep -- though with the yelling going on, it's not likely to happen. This also means that he can't go to the Rainforest Cafe. Well this was not unexpected as my Dad often cannot make a lot of planned events, which is one of the hazards of planning things for a person with Chronic Fatigue.
However, my sister apparently found it unexpected and is now hysterical over it. First she started beating on Patrick (they were doing dishes) and claiming that she "only wet him" -- like this somehow made it any better. And then she went into a raging tirade about how she's "a cancer on the family" and that she shouldn't go to the Rainforest Cafe because she'll only make the other people miserable. This of course is a ridiculous statement. She is currently making people miserable and she doesn't bother with verbally attacking people while she's eating because she's often too busy eating. However, to convince of her of this is well.... quite impossible.
My sister does not have a firm grip on reality. She apparently lives in an alternate Universe of what is "real." Sure, you could go into the whole, "what is real? It's all just perception" thing but then I'd have to smack you. That is considered "deep thinking" by morons and in truth is just plain stupid. In any case, my sister does not recognize what is truly reality because she lives too often in a world where she makes up things within her mind and then becomes convinced that they are real. And this is not to say that it's the same as say O.J. Simpson's case. It is more of a "the whole world picks on me and beats me up all the time" because in her mind she sees people picking on her so she comes to believe this really happened.
A foolish person might say that I don't know what's going on inside her head but they would be partly wrong. For the most part I do not have a CLUE as to why she is freaking out the millions of times she does, however; human emotions are like puzzle pieces with causes and effects and more of the same in between each one. The more you figure out one piece, the easier the next becomes. In my sister's case. . . well, let's just say I know her better than she knows herself. But this is not so hard as she doesn't believe that she has ANY emotions at all when she is screaming and crying hysterically but it is clearly not the case.
I left my cds upstairs. This was definitely a mistake as I now have no choice but to listen to my sister screaming. It's funny, you know? Kids whose parents are divorcing or whatever end up doing all the same things I do when their parents start yelling at each other. But I can remember one time in my entire life my parents EVER had an argument (it was over me) and even then they didn't yell. But here I am day after day, just like a divorced-parents kid, slowly losing my mind from the constant battles that shake my house to it's core, but it's generally my sister who's the one fighting. Patrick and Brian fight too, but their fights last 3-5 minutes and then they're done with them. Also, not to sound like I'm blaming Laura (please understand, I'm not) but when Laura was in foster care, they weren't fighting with each other at all. It was ... infinitely more quiet. I got a lot of writing on my book done during that time.
As I previously said, I don't blame my sister. She doesn't recognize WHAT the problem is and as such, cannot possibly hope to fix it. She needs help. Unfortunately, she's not getting the help she needs and another 50% of the time, she doesn't cooperate with the people trying to help her. See I know that she needs a) better counseling, b) a school she feels safe in -- she hates her current school and feels not only insecure there but abused by her classmates for many obscure reasons c) medicines that she could actually take without freaking out and that would help and possibly d) more reliable friends. I'd also say she needs her own room but she already has that and while it helps, without at least two of the other four, it doesn't help enough.
So my Mom and I are once again looking at schools for my sister to go to. We did this back when she was in 8th grade. (I was in 10th) So I didn't originally have much hope in the idea, after all this would be 5th new school, and if the last one didn't work. . . . But the last one did work. For about a year and a half which is really all the new one needs to work for because then she'll be off to college. And I'm now at a point where the more my sister goes crazy every single day, the less I empathize with her school system. They're making her miserable and thus everyone else in my family in the process. Not that her school at all recognizes this. My sister tries to avoid freaking out in front of other people -- just as I try to avoid revealing the pain from my headaches to others.
But it's all good. I like long car-rides and going to 6 different schools across MA (5 if we don't do the one on the Cape) is sort of like my idea of a holiday. I like road maps. My Mom doesn't. heh... that's an understatement. My Dad tried to teach her how to use them and she's got a vague idea but she's very bad at it. I have it all by instinct. Because we go all over the place looking at school after school after school, I now know most of MA, excluding like 70% of the Berkshires. It's fun really. And the only town I get lost in, oddly enough is Andover -- where my grandparents live, simply because whenever I go there someone else is driving who knows the way. The rest of the towns, I have to pay attention to because my Mom gets lost so easily, but she knows Andover well. Oh well, I've been told that once I start driving myself, I'll know Andover well too.
So moving along... my sister stopped fighting and is probably in her room "reading." I have no idea what's up with the Rainforest Cafe tonight as she claims she doesn't want to go (even though it's her favorite restaurant and Laura staying away from food is like . . . eh not going there.) and since my Dad isn't going. And looking outside, it's no wonder. It's incredibly cloudy and that really screws up one's headaches. Oddly enough, I don't seem to be having a problem with them. I am having a problem with muscle cramps though. Moreso than usual I mean. Last night it was my foot that was hurting a whole bunch, then the other as well and now both my legs, thighs down but in particular my ankles and calfs. It's nice to complain about my pain an not have someone get upset one way or the other over it. :)
I'm not really sure why my legs hurt. Besides the general, fibro-myalgias + winter = insane muscle pain (not to mention that my muscles just don't seem to work.) But I'm guessing it was because I tried doing my mini-exercises again. Still, I did VERY light exercises simply because I couldn't handle any more than that (curse you CFS! I should be able to handle more!!) but even still, I'm in pain. And let me explain again, in case anyone is foolish enough to think this is like normal muscle cramps. It's not. It's debiliting, searing, God-awful, wretchedness pain. Vaguely like Parkinson's disease actually. For more information on CFS, go here: http://wellness.ucdavis.edu/medical_conditions_az/chronicfatigue07.html
I found it last night when I was trying to see what kind of exercises are supposed to help patients like me, and which kind hurt. It's the most comprehensive website on CFS I've ever seen and as far as I could tell, highly accurate -- which is a point a lot of websites about CFS miss out on.
So yeah. I think I need professional help when it comes to exercises here. For the past year and a half that I've had this I've been completely denying that but I'm a t point now that I have no clue WHAT I can do for exercising and everything I do do, makes it worse. But I want someone who's like a specialist with Chronic Fatigue patients because the last thing in the world I want is to get any worse which would be a MAJOR hazard of doing exercises at the wrong pace. I should ask my Dr.s if they know anyone like that.
That's one thing I've got that most CFS patients don't. Some of the best Dr.s in the world. It's actually one of the main reasons I don't want to immediately go to college in CA, even though I do want to intern out there. Even though I won't be able to do college until I'm at least a little better, I don't want to assume that I'll be all better and my guess is that I'll still need to continue treatment with my Boston doctors. lol That was one of my big reasons for completely loving Harvard -- they have shuttle rides to Longwood Avenue (the street Children's Hospital is on) like 6 times a day because that's where all the Harvard med students go for classes and training. Pretty nifty if you ask me.
Anyways I'm leaving again. I'm either going to go do some writing for class or I'll end up playing Icewind Dale... or N64. But in any case I'm out.
~CC