silverwolfcc (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
silverwolfcc) wrote2006-07-12 02:17 am
silverwolfcc) wrote2006-07-12 02:17 am
(no subject)
So I've got a migraine, which as always, sucks to be me. And I just got my high school classes cancelled indefinitely. I'm suddenly a high school dropout. It's not a good feeling but there's not a lot I can do about it given that the school is kind of right... I can't take my midterms or finals thanks to my auras and migraines and CFIDS and they're spending quite a bit to continue it and really don't have the money for it. It's bad on all ends... It sucks because I worked my ass off TRYING... but what do you do when you're almost going to the hospital every other night except that you've got the same level of meds they'd give you there at home? And it's still not enough. Is it ever enough?
I don't know... I guess it's hard to recover from the past. I actually feeling SURPISINGLY less guilty than you know... I would have otherwise. I guess the whole Jeff sessions really have been helping more than I ever realized. Yay for well-adjustment.
So I'm sitting here... in the dark, playing Pokemon (regional tournaments on Saturday and my Pokemon aren't even in the 80s yet *head on keyboard* Doomed... doomed doomed....) listening to Billy Joel and Meatloaf (which kind of hurts btw... :|) because Moosey and I can't really find something on tv we could both watch without dying (Damn you A.S. and your Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Wt4 is up with that anyways?!?!) and desperately craving something to DO to make things not seem so damn pathetic. I know my life is kind of pathetic looking. What am I doing after all? Just trying to avoid pain as much as possible. I'd love to be in college, or writing my book, or with a real job... but I'd virtually kill myself. Hell I was virtually killing myself just with the H.S. classes that I got almost nowhere with.
Ahhhhhh crushing pain. I have to get my GED... I was SUPPOSED to have another two years before. . . feh. At least my parents are really understanding about it. But it's like... oy. Everyone says to take care of my health... but how? It's CFIDS. There's no REAL known causes, a few theories here and there. And it's a Syndrome which just means it's a pattern of collective symptoms that is actually probably a bunch of diseases under the same category and so far all they can do is treat the symptoms. There's no cure, there's a few things that kind of work for some people but really it's a waiting game. Time time time. And as time goes by, I try to avoid pain as much as I can, take my meds, try not to go CRAZY from boredom... and watch the whole world pass me by.
And I just.... more and more I hate all those "if you just try" etc.s because I DO buy into that -- everywhere except health. Trying doesn't cut it here. I can't just TRY and get better. I spent 3 years TRYING like crazy and just drove myself crazy. You can work at it all you want but it doesn't really fix things. And then they worry that I'm not trying "as hard as I could" to try to get better. Really? *shakes head* Is it REALLY worth the sheer amount of money, effort, time and energy when the CFIDS is already sapping ALL of those? I'm not saying I'm giving up. I'm not. But why should I go to 700 doctors if I already have 11? Will the 700th really have that miracle cure?? Maybe I'll just get better on my own by then. It's all about time. Waiting.
I hate waiting.
Strangely I feel better now. I guess even my bleakest of moods just don't last that long anymore. After you see enough, you just want to try to be happy.
I think I'll start up Crazy Fun Innane Dysfunctial Syndrome. hehe -- that's the name of the webcomic I want to write based on, yes, CFIDS. It'll be fun. Everything from Lotr, migraines, Color Guard, PotC, Pokemon, and yaoi jokes to actually trying to show what life with CFS is like which as Kyle says, "It's extremely pitiful and sad. Like watching legless kittens." Yes, sick, but somehow funny :P
*dances about*
So I'm debating starting the next Smoker/Keitha chapter... which was originally my intention but eh...
I still might but for now I'm finishing out this post with this song.
And It Just Won't Quit
By Mealoaf
And I never really sleep anymore
And I always get those dangerous dreams
And I never get a minute of peace
And I gotta wonder what it means
Maybe it's nothing, and I'm under the weather
Maybe it's just one of those bugs going 'round
Maybe I'm under a spell and it's magic
Maybe there's a witch doctor with an office in town
Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds or just a little cheaper than spit?
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
And there used to be such an easy way of living
And there used to be every hope in the world
And I used to get everything that I went after
But there never used to be this girl
Maybe I'm crazy, and I'm losing my senses
Maybe I'm possessed by a spirit or such
Maybe I'm desperate and I've got no defences
Can you get me a prescription for that one perfect touch
Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
It's a stairway to heaven or a subway going down the pits
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds or just a little cheaper than spit?
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
(ad nauseum)
There was a time when nothing ever really mattered
There was a time when there was nothing I didn't know
There was a time when I knew just what I was living for
There was a time and the time was so long ago
And I never really sleep anymore...
I don't know... I guess it's hard to recover from the past. I actually feeling SURPISINGLY less guilty than you know... I would have otherwise. I guess the whole Jeff sessions really have been helping more than I ever realized. Yay for well-adjustment.
So I'm sitting here... in the dark, playing Pokemon (regional tournaments on Saturday and my Pokemon aren't even in the 80s yet *head on keyboard* Doomed... doomed doomed....) listening to Billy Joel and Meatloaf (which kind of hurts btw... :|) because Moosey and I can't really find something on tv we could both watch without dying (Damn you A.S. and your Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Wt4 is up with that anyways?!?!) and desperately craving something to DO to make things not seem so damn pathetic. I know my life is kind of pathetic looking. What am I doing after all? Just trying to avoid pain as much as possible. I'd love to be in college, or writing my book, or with a real job... but I'd virtually kill myself. Hell I was virtually killing myself just with the H.S. classes that I got almost nowhere with.
Ahhhhhh crushing pain. I have to get my GED... I was SUPPOSED to have another two years before. . . feh. At least my parents are really understanding about it. But it's like... oy. Everyone says to take care of my health... but how? It's CFIDS. There's no REAL known causes, a few theories here and there. And it's a Syndrome which just means it's a pattern of collective symptoms that is actually probably a bunch of diseases under the same category and so far all they can do is treat the symptoms. There's no cure, there's a few things that kind of work for some people but really it's a waiting game. Time time time. And as time goes by, I try to avoid pain as much as I can, take my meds, try not to go CRAZY from boredom... and watch the whole world pass me by.
And I just.... more and more I hate all those "if you just try" etc.s because I DO buy into that -- everywhere except health. Trying doesn't cut it here. I can't just TRY and get better. I spent 3 years TRYING like crazy and just drove myself crazy. You can work at it all you want but it doesn't really fix things. And then they worry that I'm not trying "as hard as I could" to try to get better. Really? *shakes head* Is it REALLY worth the sheer amount of money, effort, time and energy when the CFIDS is already sapping ALL of those? I'm not saying I'm giving up. I'm not. But why should I go to 700 doctors if I already have 11? Will the 700th really have that miracle cure?? Maybe I'll just get better on my own by then. It's all about time. Waiting.
I hate waiting.
Strangely I feel better now. I guess even my bleakest of moods just don't last that long anymore. After you see enough, you just want to try to be happy.
I think I'll start up Crazy Fun Innane Dysfunctial Syndrome. hehe -- that's the name of the webcomic I want to write based on, yes, CFIDS. It'll be fun. Everything from Lotr, migraines, Color Guard, PotC, Pokemon, and yaoi jokes to actually trying to show what life with CFS is like which as Kyle says, "It's extremely pitiful and sad. Like watching legless kittens." Yes, sick, but somehow funny :P
*dances about*
So I'm debating starting the next Smoker/Keitha chapter... which was originally my intention but eh...
I still might but for now I'm finishing out this post with this song.
And It Just Won't Quit
By Mealoaf
And I never really sleep anymore
And I always get those dangerous dreams
And I never get a minute of peace
And I gotta wonder what it means
Maybe it's nothing, and I'm under the weather
Maybe it's just one of those bugs going 'round
Maybe I'm under a spell and it's magic
Maybe there's a witch doctor with an office in town
Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds or just a little cheaper than spit?
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
And there used to be such an easy way of living
And there used to be every hope in the world
And I used to get everything that I went after
But there never used to be this girl
Maybe I'm crazy, and I'm losing my senses
Maybe I'm possessed by a spirit or such
Maybe I'm desperate and I've got no defences
Can you get me a prescription for that one perfect touch
Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
It's a stairway to heaven or a subway going down the pits
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds or just a little cheaper than spit?
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
(ad nauseum)
There was a time when nothing ever really mattered
There was a time when there was nothing I didn't know
There was a time when I knew just what I was living for
There was a time and the time was so long ago
And I never really sleep anymore...