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Look! It's my first ever journal entry -- and I have no clue what I want to say. Amazing, huh? I can talk for hours and hours and I've been wanting to get a livejournal for years now and now that I finally get around to it, I feel completely devoid of thoughts. And in case anyone's wondering what prompted me to finally get a livejournal -- my computer downstairs died and rather than recreate my subprofile for the upstairs computer I decided to get a livejournal. It was about time.
Today's a Tuesday. I like Tuesdays because Monday through Thursdays Inuyasha comes on. It seems rather pathetic that I base my liking of days of the week on a television show (an anime cartoon at that) but I blame the Chronic Fatigue. You try being up from 2pm till 4am and not fall in love with Adult Swim cartoons. Maybe Leanne could do it but only because she's very prejudiced against fantasy and and anime. :) I love Inuyasha though, I find the writing to be absolutely delightful and the characters to be very well thought-out. I especially love Sango and Miroku and it never ceases to amaze me how evil Naraku is. In fact I've never come across a character more evil than Naraku before, even Vodlemort, and several fantasy author's interpretations of the devil seem half as evil as Naraku. He is one evil dude. Inuyasha doesn't come on for another 40 minutes though. I also like Lupin the 3rd (which comes on at 1:30)-- I'm glad Adult Swim brought that back. Which reminds me, I need to email them my thanks as I was one of the ones complaining when they took it off-air.
Tomorrow I'm going to Boston for Acupuncture again (this is a bi-weekly treatment for me) I'm still afraid of needles but it's the only thing that has ever helped this much with my migraines and considering the number of things I've tried in the past acupuncture seems minor. I love Children's Hospital. The doctors there are super-friendly and they never make it seem like my sickness is my fault, they just want to help. I find it amazing that even though almost every single day they see people suffering and even dying, yet they still remain cheerful and friendly. That's a real accomplishment if you ask me. Even I'm not sure I could do it. Maybe. Anyways, the atmosphere there is also very nice because it's geared towards little kids so everything is big, spacious, cushioned and filled with bright colors -- like their fish tank. None of the parents even notice that it exists but all the kids love it. I espeically love their lobby -- and their courtyard. The courtyard's not that much fun in winter though :P
And then on the way home tomorrow my Mom and I are stopping at the Natick Mall and Old Navy. I forget what exactly we were supposed to get at the mall but I have to get sweatshirts at Old Navy. I generally hate clothes shopping but I love getting sweatshirts and pj pants.
We're supposed to leave at 9:30 though so my Mom didn't want me staying up and watching Inuyasha and Lupin tonight. *eyeroll* Not that I have control over when I get to sleep anyways. I could feel exhausted and still find it nearly impossible to actually sleep. Thank-you Chronic Fatigue. *dripping with sarcasm*
Chronic Fatigue is such a misnomer. It makes it seem like I'm always sleepy but that's not that case. The only sleep problem I have is the now blown out of proportion insomnia and the fact that my sleep schedule's been thrown off course. Instead my problem is actually immune-system related. It's like I'm suffering from a constant flu/cold virus attack. And because of that it drains my system of energy and strength. And to do normal things that I used to take for granted makes so tired and drained of energy that I feel like I shouldn't even be alive afterwards. Like when I did the dishes after getting this. I couldn't even stand... I just collapsed on the kitchen floor and my parents had to carry me to the living room couch. And trying to do color guard this Fall was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In my entire life. A year and a half ago I would have taken it for granted that I could do a rough 2 hour practice every other day and not even notice it. Now. . . Now to do an hour practice once a week leaves me sore and weak for 2 days. And to do a 3 hour performance. . . . *shakes head* And every so often I become convinced that I have another sinus infection -- the only thing is it only lasts 2 or 3 days. All part of this lovely syndrome. Bleh. So right now I feel like I have arthiritus. My fingers are in tons of pain and so is my left shoulder and both my knees, but I'm getting used to that now. It's much worse in the cold though. And to think I once loved the cold because it gave me an opportunity to wear sweatshirts lol. At least this anti-depressant helps with the muscle and arthritic pain. (It's a fairly well known fact that tiny doses of anti-depressants greatly help with the fibro-malgias part of CFIDs) It doesn't help too much with the mental problems though. Oh I'm not depressed or anything at least not anymore (I was when I first started with this for pretty good reasons I think) but I would like to be able to read for more than 3 hours without getting a headache again and not suffer with this new distractability that I got when I got this illness. Oh well, I'll survive.
And I hate telling people all of the above because I fear quite a few things 1) that they'll misunderstand it, 2) that they'll think I'm whining, 3) that they'll pity me (I really don't want people's pity) or 4) that they just won't care. But it's really hard to try explaining to people how difficult it is to just SURVIVE when you have this. And to go to school would be so impossible I can't even begin to describe it. And I hate it that people then either treat me as an invalid (I know what I can and can't do and if I couldn't do anything at all I wouldn't be on this computer writing) or simply figure that I could get over it if I wanted to. So I generally just try avoiding my illness completely and leave people wondering. But it is kind of nice to be able to state what it is knowing that if anyone does somehow take what I just said and twist it in a stupid way it's because they're just that -- stupid.
On the bright side writing about overcoming my struggles for college applications next year will be a piece of cake now. Of course there is the whole part that I'm not applying till next year... I should have graduated this year but let's face it, I've been out of school for 3 years of high school and as it is I'm trying to make it up in 2. It still bites that almost all my friends are graduating and I'm not yet. Oh well, at least it gives me that extra year to try to get published ;)
Speaking of which, I'm trying to edit my book again. Chapter 7 and 8 are terrible though. And it seems like Bridgette and Zach fall in love within a few hours... and just stating "As the days passed by" doesn't cut it. And I cant't figure out how to fix it. Not yet anyways... Eh I'll work on it later. Inuyasha comes on in 5 minutes :-D Man I love that show.
Until next time (when I'll have to remember to mention my One-Act directoring) Sayonara!
My Will performed by Dream
Ending Theme to Inuyasha episodes 1-20
Quietly awakening...
I always, always wish
that these fleeting thoughts
would reach you...
Unable to move forward across "just a little more" distance
The way I see before me is always blocked
Every time the days I want to see you but can't pile up,
My strong heartbeat turns into heartbreak.
If there is such a thing as "eternity,"
I want to believe, even if I have to take the long way.
Although I know that I've been hurt before because I'm clumsy
I won't stop; I won't give in to anyone.
I think of you
and that alone is enough
to make the tears start to flow now
I always, always wish
that these fleeting thoughts
would reach you...
I've known all too well about pretending to be strong.
But since then, my doubts have vanished.
There's definitely things I want to show you
And so many words I want to hear
I want to see all sides of you, when you laugh and cry
So I'll stop waiting
and seize my "chance."
I think of you,
and I feel like that alone is enough
to make my heart grow stronger.
I always, always wish
that these fleeting thoughts
would reach you...
I think of you
and that alone is enough
to make the tears start to flow now
My distant voice can't reach you now, but so that someday
it definitely will...
Believe. la la la la la la...
Believe. la la la la la la...
Believe. la la la la la la...
Today's a Tuesday. I like Tuesdays because Monday through Thursdays Inuyasha comes on. It seems rather pathetic that I base my liking of days of the week on a television show (an anime cartoon at that) but I blame the Chronic Fatigue. You try being up from 2pm till 4am and not fall in love with Adult Swim cartoons. Maybe Leanne could do it but only because she's very prejudiced against fantasy and and anime. :) I love Inuyasha though, I find the writing to be absolutely delightful and the characters to be very well thought-out. I especially love Sango and Miroku and it never ceases to amaze me how evil Naraku is. In fact I've never come across a character more evil than Naraku before, even Vodlemort, and several fantasy author's interpretations of the devil seem half as evil as Naraku. He is one evil dude. Inuyasha doesn't come on for another 40 minutes though. I also like Lupin the 3rd (which comes on at 1:30)-- I'm glad Adult Swim brought that back. Which reminds me, I need to email them my thanks as I was one of the ones complaining when they took it off-air.
Tomorrow I'm going to Boston for Acupuncture again (this is a bi-weekly treatment for me) I'm still afraid of needles but it's the only thing that has ever helped this much with my migraines and considering the number of things I've tried in the past acupuncture seems minor. I love Children's Hospital. The doctors there are super-friendly and they never make it seem like my sickness is my fault, they just want to help. I find it amazing that even though almost every single day they see people suffering and even dying, yet they still remain cheerful and friendly. That's a real accomplishment if you ask me. Even I'm not sure I could do it. Maybe. Anyways, the atmosphere there is also very nice because it's geared towards little kids so everything is big, spacious, cushioned and filled with bright colors -- like their fish tank. None of the parents even notice that it exists but all the kids love it. I espeically love their lobby -- and their courtyard. The courtyard's not that much fun in winter though :P
And then on the way home tomorrow my Mom and I are stopping at the Natick Mall and Old Navy. I forget what exactly we were supposed to get at the mall but I have to get sweatshirts at Old Navy. I generally hate clothes shopping but I love getting sweatshirts and pj pants.
We're supposed to leave at 9:30 though so my Mom didn't want me staying up and watching Inuyasha and Lupin tonight. *eyeroll* Not that I have control over when I get to sleep anyways. I could feel exhausted and still find it nearly impossible to actually sleep. Thank-you Chronic Fatigue. *dripping with sarcasm*
Chronic Fatigue is such a misnomer. It makes it seem like I'm always sleepy but that's not that case. The only sleep problem I have is the now blown out of proportion insomnia and the fact that my sleep schedule's been thrown off course. Instead my problem is actually immune-system related. It's like I'm suffering from a constant flu/cold virus attack. And because of that it drains my system of energy and strength. And to do normal things that I used to take for granted makes so tired and drained of energy that I feel like I shouldn't even be alive afterwards. Like when I did the dishes after getting this. I couldn't even stand... I just collapsed on the kitchen floor and my parents had to carry me to the living room couch. And trying to do color guard this Fall was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In my entire life. A year and a half ago I would have taken it for granted that I could do a rough 2 hour practice every other day and not even notice it. Now. . . Now to do an hour practice once a week leaves me sore and weak for 2 days. And to do a 3 hour performance. . . . *shakes head* And every so often I become convinced that I have another sinus infection -- the only thing is it only lasts 2 or 3 days. All part of this lovely syndrome. Bleh. So right now I feel like I have arthiritus. My fingers are in tons of pain and so is my left shoulder and both my knees, but I'm getting used to that now. It's much worse in the cold though. And to think I once loved the cold because it gave me an opportunity to wear sweatshirts lol. At least this anti-depressant helps with the muscle and arthritic pain. (It's a fairly well known fact that tiny doses of anti-depressants greatly help with the fibro-malgias part of CFIDs) It doesn't help too much with the mental problems though. Oh I'm not depressed or anything at least not anymore (I was when I first started with this for pretty good reasons I think) but I would like to be able to read for more than 3 hours without getting a headache again and not suffer with this new distractability that I got when I got this illness. Oh well, I'll survive.
And I hate telling people all of the above because I fear quite a few things 1) that they'll misunderstand it, 2) that they'll think I'm whining, 3) that they'll pity me (I really don't want people's pity) or 4) that they just won't care. But it's really hard to try explaining to people how difficult it is to just SURVIVE when you have this. And to go to school would be so impossible I can't even begin to describe it. And I hate it that people then either treat me as an invalid (I know what I can and can't do and if I couldn't do anything at all I wouldn't be on this computer writing) or simply figure that I could get over it if I wanted to. So I generally just try avoiding my illness completely and leave people wondering. But it is kind of nice to be able to state what it is knowing that if anyone does somehow take what I just said and twist it in a stupid way it's because they're just that -- stupid.
On the bright side writing about overcoming my struggles for college applications next year will be a piece of cake now. Of course there is the whole part that I'm not applying till next year... I should have graduated this year but let's face it, I've been out of school for 3 years of high school and as it is I'm trying to make it up in 2. It still bites that almost all my friends are graduating and I'm not yet. Oh well, at least it gives me that extra year to try to get published ;)
Speaking of which, I'm trying to edit my book again. Chapter 7 and 8 are terrible though. And it seems like Bridgette and Zach fall in love within a few hours... and just stating "As the days passed by" doesn't cut it. And I cant't figure out how to fix it. Not yet anyways... Eh I'll work on it later. Inuyasha comes on in 5 minutes :-D Man I love that show.
Until next time (when I'll have to remember to mention my One-Act directoring) Sayonara!
My Will performed by Dream
Ending Theme to Inuyasha episodes 1-20
Quietly awakening...
I always, always wish
that these fleeting thoughts
would reach you...
Unable to move forward across "just a little more" distance
The way I see before me is always blocked
Every time the days I want to see you but can't pile up,
My strong heartbeat turns into heartbreak.
If there is such a thing as "eternity,"
I want to believe, even if I have to take the long way.
Although I know that I've been hurt before because I'm clumsy
I won't stop; I won't give in to anyone.
I think of you
and that alone is enough
to make the tears start to flow now
I always, always wish
that these fleeting thoughts
would reach you...
I've known all too well about pretending to be strong.
But since then, my doubts have vanished.
There's definitely things I want to show you
And so many words I want to hear
I want to see all sides of you, when you laugh and cry
So I'll stop waiting
and seize my "chance."
I think of you,
and I feel like that alone is enough
to make my heart grow stronger.
I always, always wish
that these fleeting thoughts
would reach you...
I think of you
and that alone is enough
to make the tears start to flow now
My distant voice can't reach you now, but so that someday
it definitely will...
Believe. la la la la la la...
Believe. la la la la la la...
Believe. la la la la la la...
