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OOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
Mar. 17th, 2004 08:43 amAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God I hate migraines. I also hate my family. A lot. I want to strangle each and every one of them. The last time I think I was in this much pain was when I was in the hospital and that was only because they wouldn't let me a) lie down, b) be in the dark, c) have ANY sense of quiet. Ironically what is happening now. I have no choice but to get up go to acupuncture, have a physical therapy "analyis" and then yay casting. -- The casting was supposed to be yesterday but the snow canceled all after school activities. I can't take this. Really I can't. I'm in so much that all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs and not stop until the pain goes away. Except I can't because if just the sound the keyboard hurts and the sound of my siblings whispering is live KNIVES you can bet screaming wouldn't help.
Pain's a funny thing. It's not an emotion, but boy can it ever cause some. Anger, hate, despair, depression.... I'm angry and hateful right now because it actually gives me the "strength" I'm going to need to keep going and not actually give in and scream. Actually.... I use hate too lightly. I've never hated anything in my life except possibly sexual predators -- and that's a long story, and even then... I'm not so sure. I say hate far too often because I use hyperboles as a second nature. For instance the REAL meaning of hate is that I wish ill/hell on whatever/whoever I hate. Of course I don't wish ill on my family. I'd defend them to the death from ill if I could. Instead I'm just so mad at them that if they don't stop causing me pain I shall kick them out into the foot of snow, without jackets, shoes or possibly even clothes on.
I once mentioned that I was going to enter in a set of migraine charts -- but I have yet to do so. This is because a funny thing I found it... It turns out when I don't have a migraine I don't even want to THINK about them. And unless it's really REALLY bad I certainly don't want to think that much about them. But when I have a really bad migraine it's virtually impossible to think about ANYTHING else in the world. I really detest this a lot. I hate having to force myself to do stuff through pain. Sure I can do it. I spent an entire month in the hospital where they MADE me do it and I had absolutely no choice. But what kind of sick people honestly think that you should do stuff in pain even though it makes it 1000... no a googleplex times worse. But I guess some things are worth the pain, right? *sigh* And other times you just have no freaking choice.
I'm wearing sunglasses. I've taken two ultracets (think heavy narcotics for pain) and if it would do anything I would stuff my ears full of wax and I'm still in more pain then most people would ever imagine in their lives. Now I won't go see the Passion of Christ because there is no way I'd be able to watch a man be whipped, thorned, and eventully crucified... but I STILL think I'm in more pain than that -- only difference is my pain won't kill me. If I ever go to heaven by some freak chance (I'm not feeling very heavenly-like right now. It's hard to when you feel like Job and you're convinced you must have done something wrong because you live in Hell) I'll have to ask Jesus. Who knows? Maybe I'd even be right... Besides he probably had a pretty high pain tolerance. *shrug*
We're late now to my appointment. This is because of my stupid freaking brothers. Because of the two-hour delay they've been running around all morning, yelling and screaming, getting into fights with my sister (who thank God is currently reading a Foxtrot comic book) and then screwing up my bed. And in none of this were they doing what they were supposed to, and getting ready for school. (My sister doesn't have school today because Lancaster's roads don't plow as easily as Westboro's.)
So right now I think I have some major self-esteem issues. Mostly stemming from the fact that I haven't been able to do any real sense of writing in over a month and with my parents editing my book, they tend to only tell me the bad things in it (so unless I'm there WHILE they're reading it, I don't get to see them laugh or enjoy parts of it.) And altogether I think it's making me depressed. I don't make a very good director right now. How can you be a leader when all you want to do is hide under a pillow and cry? And how can you visulize your play if all you see is 17 different types of auras surrounding you and all you can think about is the pain so even stringing words together is difficult without immense passion. I can do this because I'm really REALLY emotional right now and that at least tells me how I'm feeling, which I can put into words. And when my brothers were beating each other with little plastic swords, it was quite easy to threaten them to stop by attempting to explain how much it hurt me and what I would do if they didn't stop. But I fianlly got a hold of Nicole on the phone though and I was barely even able to speak nevermind try to explain about the auditions.)
They say placebo effects actually work, but you actually have to believe the pain is going to go away. They tried to teach me this too at the hospital. And I know how placebos work... but when you're in this much pain.... Well I'm off now. If I'm still in this much pain when I get back tonight I'll finish the part about the different types of migraines.
God I hate migraines. I also hate my family. A lot. I want to strangle each and every one of them. The last time I think I was in this much pain was when I was in the hospital and that was only because they wouldn't let me a) lie down, b) be in the dark, c) have ANY sense of quiet. Ironically what is happening now. I have no choice but to get up go to acupuncture, have a physical therapy "analyis" and then yay casting. -- The casting was supposed to be yesterday but the snow canceled all after school activities. I can't take this. Really I can't. I'm in so much that all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs and not stop until the pain goes away. Except I can't because if just the sound the keyboard hurts and the sound of my siblings whispering is live KNIVES you can bet screaming wouldn't help.
Pain's a funny thing. It's not an emotion, but boy can it ever cause some. Anger, hate, despair, depression.... I'm angry and hateful right now because it actually gives me the "strength" I'm going to need to keep going and not actually give in and scream. Actually.... I use hate too lightly. I've never hated anything in my life except possibly sexual predators -- and that's a long story, and even then... I'm not so sure. I say hate far too often because I use hyperboles as a second nature. For instance the REAL meaning of hate is that I wish ill/hell on whatever/whoever I hate. Of course I don't wish ill on my family. I'd defend them to the death from ill if I could. Instead I'm just so mad at them that if they don't stop causing me pain I shall kick them out into the foot of snow, without jackets, shoes or possibly even clothes on.
I once mentioned that I was going to enter in a set of migraine charts -- but I have yet to do so. This is because a funny thing I found it... It turns out when I don't have a migraine I don't even want to THINK about them. And unless it's really REALLY bad I certainly don't want to think that much about them. But when I have a really bad migraine it's virtually impossible to think about ANYTHING else in the world. I really detest this a lot. I hate having to force myself to do stuff through pain. Sure I can do it. I spent an entire month in the hospital where they MADE me do it and I had absolutely no choice. But what kind of sick people honestly think that you should do stuff in pain even though it makes it 1000... no a googleplex times worse. But I guess some things are worth the pain, right? *sigh* And other times you just have no freaking choice.
I'm wearing sunglasses. I've taken two ultracets (think heavy narcotics for pain) and if it would do anything I would stuff my ears full of wax and I'm still in more pain then most people would ever imagine in their lives. Now I won't go see the Passion of Christ because there is no way I'd be able to watch a man be whipped, thorned, and eventully crucified... but I STILL think I'm in more pain than that -- only difference is my pain won't kill me. If I ever go to heaven by some freak chance (I'm not feeling very heavenly-like right now. It's hard to when you feel like Job and you're convinced you must have done something wrong because you live in Hell) I'll have to ask Jesus. Who knows? Maybe I'd even be right... Besides he probably had a pretty high pain tolerance. *shrug*
We're late now to my appointment. This is because of my stupid freaking brothers. Because of the two-hour delay they've been running around all morning, yelling and screaming, getting into fights with my sister (who thank God is currently reading a Foxtrot comic book) and then screwing up my bed. And in none of this were they doing what they were supposed to, and getting ready for school. (My sister doesn't have school today because Lancaster's roads don't plow as easily as Westboro's.)
So right now I think I have some major self-esteem issues. Mostly stemming from the fact that I haven't been able to do any real sense of writing in over a month and with my parents editing my book, they tend to only tell me the bad things in it (so unless I'm there WHILE they're reading it, I don't get to see them laugh or enjoy parts of it.) And altogether I think it's making me depressed. I don't make a very good director right now. How can you be a leader when all you want to do is hide under a pillow and cry? And how can you visulize your play if all you see is 17 different types of auras surrounding you and all you can think about is the pain so even stringing words together is difficult without immense passion. I can do this because I'm really REALLY emotional right now and that at least tells me how I'm feeling, which I can put into words. And when my brothers were beating each other with little plastic swords, it was quite easy to threaten them to stop by attempting to explain how much it hurt me and what I would do if they didn't stop. But I fianlly got a hold of Nicole on the phone though and I was barely even able to speak nevermind try to explain about the auditions.)
They say placebo effects actually work, but you actually have to believe the pain is going to go away. They tried to teach me this too at the hospital. And I know how placebos work... but when you're in this much pain.... Well I'm off now. If I'm still in this much pain when I get back tonight I'll finish the part about the different types of migraines.
