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I think it might be straight out of an older movie the way he shows up like he does...
Randall came tonight. I'd been thinking of him earlier today though I'm not entirely sure why. It was as I was in the car with Laura and Mom and I think we probably just passed by his old house and I wondered what he was doing now. A few hours ago I was online and out of nowhere he imed me and mentioned he was in Westborough. He'd stopped by to see his Mom and Boston and was at his Dad's house and wanted to come see me to catch up on how I was doing. So that's how he ended up here at 11:30 - 2:20ish tonight.
And for the first time in a long time I really didn't have any angry feelings, any leftover resentments, none of it. And talking to him was just so nice... And, he's Randall. Maybe it's because I'm always like this but I feel like no matter what's happened in the past, I can tell him everything going on with me. I think in the past I used to resent that I couldn't for awhile. I couldn't tell him every single day all my thoughts and the latest updates on my ambitions and hopes and dreams and things I had in mind for stories... But he came tonight and asked me and was completely content to let me babble nonstop for hours and it was really really nice.
And he just reminds me a lot of my story Zach right now actually. He has a lot of the look going for him too *grin* He grew his beard out again and for all its darkness it has those copper flecks in it like Zach's (heh sorry, I have a beard thing... let's not go there though shall we?) and his hair is all shaggy and he's stopped gelling it again. It gives him a very sort of ... raggedish look. And just his whole... I don't know. Running around, in a very free kind of way. And I guess too some of the history and other things I don't really care to explain. And he's just... Randall.
I know what movie thing it reminds me of now. Gilmore Girls; Chris, Rory's Dad and the way Lorelei has a very guarded sort of approach to whenever he's around. I don't know... *shakes head* It's so hard to explain really. Well... no maybe it's not. Okay Randall recently actually dropped out from college. This took completely by shock. He has an EXTREMELY high IQ and it seems almost a waste in some ways and yet in others... in another way there's this little voice inside that isn't shocked in the least. For Randall to drop out and join a band and to be doing THAT for a living, well that actually makes sense. He loves music, he plays every instrument and it's something he really enjoys. Did you know he even sings now too?
*remembering half-smile* When we were going out I always used to get him to sing for me but I never could. I almost demanded that he sing for me tonight even :D hehe, I should have but I doubt he would. As it is, despite a good 2 hours or more of talking, I hardly have anything I can say about what's going on his life, he mostly wanted to catch up on mine. And I'm used to it now. I think he likes the semi-secrecy. haha, that part actually reminds me of James Bond in some ways.
In a lot of ways though... Randall confuses me. I never know what to do with him, how to react, what to say, or well any of it. Heh. It's like he's the only person I can be around and not feel smarter than in one way or another. No matter what I always feel completely raw with him. Like it's just me and my accomplishments and that all of it is ok. Or at least, it was tonight. It's funny though. Sometimes in the past I often felt like he was judging me and somehow felt I could do better somehow but tonight...
hah. Maybe it was because he hardly said anything. He never really says much anymore... actually he never said that much at ALL for that matter; though still usually more than say tonight. But maybe not. It's funny though... I feel completely 16 around him and as though he really were 25, even though we're only 12 days apart chronologically.
I don't know that I can explain it. When I started this I really meant to try explaining it, all of it, so that I have it written out somewhere but I can't seem to find what I want to say. I think I don't actually KNOW what I want to say. I think that's actually the problem I have with David. I don't know what I want with him. Maybe that's why it worked so well tonight, I just wanted to talk and catch up and he just wanted to listen.
Do you know I miss him now? I don't want to miss him. And I don't miss him in the way I used to when I STILL couldn't get over him... just in a missing an old friend way but even then. Missing Randall is different. He's so much more than that. And again, I try to put it into words but nothing seems to fit. I once tried to work him into my life journey poem... I tried 37 different ways I kid you not. None of them worked. He's just... Randall. Straight up and simple. And I don't know what to do about it but tonight I didn't bother with caring.
I hope to see him again. It was really nice to actually have an old friend care about me and want to see how I'm doing. I miss a lot of my old friends and I love it that he decided to take the time to do so. Especially since it's Randall and I can't imagine him bothering to do so unless he really wanted to. And I want to see his band. :) Maybe if he gets that gig in Boston I'll drag Sarah along. It'll be fun :D
Okay one last try to put this into words, I think I almost have it this time: Randall.... dear, sweet, frustrating Randall. A thousand things encompany that. Memories, images, feelings; all come flooding out in an overwhelming tide. Before that tide used to drag me under but now it's like sitting on an ocean beach and watching a beautiful surf; nice, peaceful, wonderful. And I do know something I want, I don't want to never ever see him again but other than that? I think I'll let the tide decide.
I'm terrible at giving into things but this is one of those things that is simply too wild to try to tame. Randall often tries to make it my choice on what happens but in the end, it still comes down to him. It's his move and me, I sit back and wait.
Randall came tonight. I'd been thinking of him earlier today though I'm not entirely sure why. It was as I was in the car with Laura and Mom and I think we probably just passed by his old house and I wondered what he was doing now. A few hours ago I was online and out of nowhere he imed me and mentioned he was in Westborough. He'd stopped by to see his Mom and Boston and was at his Dad's house and wanted to come see me to catch up on how I was doing. So that's how he ended up here at 11:30 - 2:20ish tonight.
And for the first time in a long time I really didn't have any angry feelings, any leftover resentments, none of it. And talking to him was just so nice... And, he's Randall. Maybe it's because I'm always like this but I feel like no matter what's happened in the past, I can tell him everything going on with me. I think in the past I used to resent that I couldn't for awhile. I couldn't tell him every single day all my thoughts and the latest updates on my ambitions and hopes and dreams and things I had in mind for stories... But he came tonight and asked me and was completely content to let me babble nonstop for hours and it was really really nice.
And he just reminds me a lot of my story Zach right now actually. He has a lot of the look going for him too *grin* He grew his beard out again and for all its darkness it has those copper flecks in it like Zach's (heh sorry, I have a beard thing... let's not go there though shall we?) and his hair is all shaggy and he's stopped gelling it again. It gives him a very sort of ... raggedish look. And just his whole... I don't know. Running around, in a very free kind of way. And I guess too some of the history and other things I don't really care to explain. And he's just... Randall.
I know what movie thing it reminds me of now. Gilmore Girls; Chris, Rory's Dad and the way Lorelei has a very guarded sort of approach to whenever he's around. I don't know... *shakes head* It's so hard to explain really. Well... no maybe it's not. Okay Randall recently actually dropped out from college. This took completely by shock. He has an EXTREMELY high IQ and it seems almost a waste in some ways and yet in others... in another way there's this little voice inside that isn't shocked in the least. For Randall to drop out and join a band and to be doing THAT for a living, well that actually makes sense. He loves music, he plays every instrument and it's something he really enjoys. Did you know he even sings now too?
*remembering half-smile* When we were going out I always used to get him to sing for me but I never could. I almost demanded that he sing for me tonight even :D hehe, I should have but I doubt he would. As it is, despite a good 2 hours or more of talking, I hardly have anything I can say about what's going on his life, he mostly wanted to catch up on mine. And I'm used to it now. I think he likes the semi-secrecy. haha, that part actually reminds me of James Bond in some ways.
In a lot of ways though... Randall confuses me. I never know what to do with him, how to react, what to say, or well any of it. Heh. It's like he's the only person I can be around and not feel smarter than in one way or another. No matter what I always feel completely raw with him. Like it's just me and my accomplishments and that all of it is ok. Or at least, it was tonight. It's funny though. Sometimes in the past I often felt like he was judging me and somehow felt I could do better somehow but tonight...
hah. Maybe it was because he hardly said anything. He never really says much anymore... actually he never said that much at ALL for that matter; though still usually more than say tonight. But maybe not. It's funny though... I feel completely 16 around him and as though he really were 25, even though we're only 12 days apart chronologically.
I don't know that I can explain it. When I started this I really meant to try explaining it, all of it, so that I have it written out somewhere but I can't seem to find what I want to say. I think I don't actually KNOW what I want to say. I think that's actually the problem I have with David. I don't know what I want with him. Maybe that's why it worked so well tonight, I just wanted to talk and catch up and he just wanted to listen.
Do you know I miss him now? I don't want to miss him. And I don't miss him in the way I used to when I STILL couldn't get over him... just in a missing an old friend way but even then. Missing Randall is different. He's so much more than that. And again, I try to put it into words but nothing seems to fit. I once tried to work him into my life journey poem... I tried 37 different ways I kid you not. None of them worked. He's just... Randall. Straight up and simple. And I don't know what to do about it but tonight I didn't bother with caring.
I hope to see him again. It was really nice to actually have an old friend care about me and want to see how I'm doing. I miss a lot of my old friends and I love it that he decided to take the time to do so. Especially since it's Randall and I can't imagine him bothering to do so unless he really wanted to. And I want to see his band. :) Maybe if he gets that gig in Boston I'll drag Sarah along. It'll be fun :D
Okay one last try to put this into words, I think I almost have it this time: Randall.... dear, sweet, frustrating Randall. A thousand things encompany that. Memories, images, feelings; all come flooding out in an overwhelming tide. Before that tide used to drag me under but now it's like sitting on an ocean beach and watching a beautiful surf; nice, peaceful, wonderful. And I do know something I want, I don't want to never ever see him again but other than that? I think I'll let the tide decide.
I'm terrible at giving into things but this is one of those things that is simply too wild to try to tame. Randall often tries to make it my choice on what happens but in the end, it still comes down to him. It's his move and me, I sit back and wait.
