Family

Sometimes at night I get gripped with an almost overwhelming amount of fear. I've gotten mostly used to it by now but with everything going on in the past month it's gotten worse. It's the same drops in a bucket analogy as that of the one for allergies; you can handle adding a certain amount of water to the bucket but at some point it overflows but while it's still drops it seems almost negligible but then when it's overflowing every drop is another drop too many.

I miss writing. I've somehow moved beyond my constant whining phase of the CFIDS depression and I've actually come to grips with it -- something I'd never think would be possible until it's over and while it's not an excuse, just a reason; with the other things going on, all the old CFS issues come tumbling out too. As I was saying though; I really miss writing. I miss being able to just spend hours happily typing away getting something DONE. I think I miss that most of all now. There's a lot of things I miss as I'm sure you all know; reading, exercising... heh just being able to sit up on a regular basis without inordinate amounts of pain... but I REALLY miss writing. When I only had the severe every-day, 4-week without a break, level 10 even with meds migraines; at least I still had my writing. I couldn't write as often as I would have liked but I could write in all the down-breaks between the pain. It's kind of ironic actually. Since going to acupuncture and finding Ultracet my migraines have sort of decreased. I say sort of because before they used to come in solid blocks lasting a month with almost no change and now they're shorter and the rest. On the other hand; CFS was actually what made my migraines spiral out of control like that in the first place and now little things I could handle before the CFS hit me full-blown will actually now CAUSE my headaches -- which they didn't used to.

I think if I were better able to write now I could handle the emotional stress of everything a lot better than I have been. Since 8th grade on I've had a runner's addiction to writing. If I go so much as two weeks without getting any writing done I start to feel very out of sorts. Back when I first got sick I used to be really worried I might never be able to write again and I tried to imagine spending the rest of my life not writing. I know the perfect words to describe that feeling -- it was exactly as though I was trying to seperate my soul from my body; just rip it right out, but no matter how I describe it, I don't think it's really possible for anyone to understand that feeling without feeling it themselves and then they'll know exactly what I mean. I've never bought into any ideas of destiny but I have to say this comes as close to anything I'll ever know to what destiny feels like. For me, writing is just my fate.

It's been rough not being able to write the way I want to but I've adjusted. I'm pretty proud of how WELL I adjusted to be honest... it took a LOT of work. But again, sometimes when things just start to overflow, it ALL overflows. If I had my writing capacity back to normal at least I could channel it all though... turn those water buckets into ink so to speak ;)

I miss my brother. So much I don't even know how to handle it. I mean I've gone to camp and things and I've had my family "seperated" at all sorts of points but even though he's at my grandparents and I get to see him every weekend it's like. . . I hate it so much! And I've been doing everything I could just to not hate the people who did this to him and to my parents and now are trying to do it to my other sister and brother.... I mean how DARE THEY?!?! What gives them the right to break up the Ninja Turtles? I hate society, I hate the judicial system and I get so upset I feel like I'm going to fly apart at the seams.

I don't think I've mentioned in my livejournal the thing with Pat. I'm not even going to go very much into the details to be honest. I've told some people what happened (though I can't even remember who knows what anymore) and I'm somewhat talked out over the whole situation. I hate that they've torn us apart though. That they're outcasting him for no reason other than they're too STUPID to even read his medical documents and to spend the two seconds it takes to look up CFIDS on google. And there are a MILLION reasons for it all.

And I'm going to start with my favorite. It's always easy to blame the head of the government when things go wrong but when an idiot becomes the leader of a country, he frequently doesn't recognize (or care about) the long-reaching consequences of his actions. George Bush came up with the No Child Left Behind Act. A nifty little device on paper but in all actuality he put NO money in to fund it and so all it does is wreak total havoc with all the school's systems. Everybody (with half a brain to listen to what's going on around them) knows about the part about if a school doesn't pass the standardized testing than the parents have a right to move the kids to a different public school at cost to the failing school system. This alone has far-reaching consequences (some of which are good, some of which are not) but what people do NOT know about is that there's another clause saying that all school systems must have a 95% attendency rate.

The Westborough School Systems -- ESPECIALLY the middle school are in deep financial trouble; particularly sad when you consider it's one of the wealthiest school systems out there because this town cares so much about it's education. They've made one stupid move after another after another after another. Everything from hiring contracters for the new buildings (the high school got updated and they built another school entirely) who then went on to spend FAR too much what it should have costed for lighting (etc. etc.) to hiring the most IDIOTIC principal ever imaginable who then decided to spruce up the middle school's appearance by planting 2000 tulip bulbs (for the year 2000 of course,) and giving a makeover to the lockers (because formerly 6 months ago painted blue lockers suddenly needed a bright vibrant fuschia pink makeover to make them pretty.... I kid you not.) They do not have wise people on their budgeting comittees. I'm beginning to doubt they have wise people on virtually ANY of their comittees at all. And of course they had all the other usual teaching problems of people retiring (with retirement pay don't forget) and having to hire new teachers and all the new MA laws about what constitutes as teaching these days (all sorts of certification processes which of course makes finding good teachers rarer AND more expensive) along with the rising rates of students each year. (Population grows. It's how humans work... they have kids and the kids no longer die off before they turn 7.)

Now this budgeting creates several problems. They already had to take away independent studies from the high schools because they didn't have the teachers to run through and read over the course-work and all the rest. And my family already costs more than "its fair share" because well *I* take my classes online. This costs the online course fee (which of course isn't covered in the group situation like with other cookie-cutter students) and my books (actually less expensive than regular text-books and they buy them second hand; however they don't already have them and they're not reusable for the school so I keep them) AND the cost of hiring a proctor to sit there for the 20 minutes it takes me to take my tests (midterms and finals.) My sister has to go to a completley different school (which means that they have to pay for her tuition to that school as well as the bus to get there.) And Brian has ADHD (personally I think it's Asbergers -- as do some other pyschologists but I guess that doesn't really change anything) as well as SEVERE language problems (he took a very long time learning how to talk because he couldn't hear properly and eventually he had to get tubes in his ears and go to Assabet's language program so he could learn to talk and to this day has very extreme problems with reading and writing mostly because he has a ton of dyslexia problems (which actually runs in my family -- Mom's side.) And so he ALSO has an IEP (they're much nicer at the elementary level about special needs though.)

So when it comes to Patrick... they more or less simply don't want to deal with it. It takes time and MONEY to come up with special plans and even though an entire medical team at one of the most world-renowned children's hospitals in the WORLD says that he should be missing school every other day to go to physical therapy and rest up it doesn't change the No Child Left Behind Act which states that they have to have 95% of their kids in school per day and Patrick is easier to go after than a lot of the other kids. Why, you may ask? For this simple reason. At a middle school level it's a well known fact that's when trouble start. Drugs, alcohol, where the abused kids actually start to be emotionally and outwardly affected by said abuse etc. etc. This isn't nearly as bad at a suburban town than inner cities of course but we're talking about 5% don't forget. Now my parents actually want Pat to be in school and getting his education as best as possible. However they recognize that simply pushing him to the point of ruining his health will only make it impossible for him to actually get his education because he'll only be sicker. But let's take one of those druggie-alcoholic kids whose parents do NOT care. They can get as bitchy and annoying as they want but it's not going to get the kids to come into school any easier. Going back to my parents though; because my sister was put in foster care back when she totally freaked out it sets up a history with my family and thus easier to pick on.

I may sound slightly paranoid and more than a little neurotic with some sort of crack-pot conspiracy theory here but in all actuality this is true. It's a matter of fact because 5 seperate impartial parties who simply know the situation on both sides have actually come out and said that the school system (in particular the middle school) not only has a well-known history of pulling all sorts of bull-shit crap with families and whatnot but also seems to REALLY have it in for my family.

*sigh*

And speaking of "having it for my family" . . . the judge in charge of the case. . . oh she makes me mad. She went off and blew off all sorts of material evidence (doctor's notes, doctor's orders, CFIDS Organization of America letters and journals and history and things explaining what CFS actually IS) and told my parents Patrick had to be in school every single day no matter what or he'd be taken away into foster care by the DSS (who by the way think that was the STUPIDEST thing in the world for a great deal of reasons. Not the least of which being that judges end up leaving kids with parents who actually burn them with cigars because it's so very detrimental for kids to be taken away from their parents...) and so my parents were then forced to go against the doctor's orders for phsyical therapy, forced to reschedule and/or cancel appointments and drag him to school EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not going into extra in-depth details on that (I could write a good 10 pages just summarizing what happened then but I'm tired and mostly talked out about the subject) In any case, the judge then ordered Patrick be taken away from the home for not "meeting his legitimate medical needs" -- An order which not only did the DSS not understand or like (but of course have no choice but to obey) but also went against ALL professionalism and was *faxed* of all things to the DSS. And to make something clear here; and order like that usually comes in PERSON and at the very LEAST a phone call but she didn't even have the consideration to write more than one sentence on sheet of paper and initial it. Furthermore; the entire probation officers department at the court (the ones who had to send the fax) didn't know why or understand the order either and to make matters even MORE frustrating; it was actually illegal for them to then go off and seek her out and find OUT why. It was illegal for even the DSS to do so! Clearly this part of the judicial system needs a great deal of many adjustments.

And let's go further with this. Remember when I mentioned my sister going into foster care and all the rest? Well turns out this exact same judge in charge of this entire case was the lawyer for my Mom in that case. Meaning she was supposed to be defending my Mom so that Laura while still recieving a CHINS (Child In Need of Services) would still also be in my parent's care so that as/when they saw Laura progressing they could take her back home. This alone shows you how much conflict of interest was going on. Technically it's illegal for even to be involved with a seperate case involving my parents with my parents directly asking for her because of previous involvements and therefore; prejudices. And prejudiced she is. Evidently she feels that my father and my illness (which by the way, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary she believes is "controversial" and "psychological") is pyschologically impacting Patrick such to the point where he thinks he's sick too yadda yadda yadda and therefor it's his home environment (caring about me and Dad too much) that's making him sick (not an actual illness) and FURTHERMORE that since Patrick is having such issues that Laura and Brian will be too and so they should ALSO be removed.

I find it very ironic.... the last case -- the one with Laura; had the problem where at one point the DSS (who then wanted complete control over Laura's removal and then re-adjustment to home; despite that legally, as my parents had put her in for a CHINS voluntarily, doesn't work that way) were suggesting my parents were unfit parents for Laura (meaning that they shouldn't have any say in what went on with Laura whatsoever) and so the judge thought this should mean that they were unfit parents for all four of us (which actually the DSS did NOT want since they thought they were just fine and dandy with dealing with everyone but Laura.) And so my Mom's lawyer (I keep saying my Mom's lawyer because parents get seperate lawyers in any custody battles because of the divorce thing; even if the parents are actually together and fighting as a team) who, don't forget, was Pat's judge, was actually also in the position of defending my parents to say that they were fit parents for me and my brothers. Which of course is now ironic in that she's obviously of the completely opposite view (prejudiced) and I suspect was of that view even while supposedly defending my parents. Which again; goes to show you MASSIVE, HUGE, GINORMOUS, conflict of interest issues at hand here.

Which is why my parents asked her to recruse herself. Unfortunately (and this is where I've decided she is the biggest bitch on the entire face of the planet, quite possibly in all of history, and I have my suspicions that it surpasses even that of Constatine's wife, Fausta, and yes, I really am serious on that remark) she did this only AFTER furthering to screw my parents over royally, (one court meeting before last she said the school had to take all precedence and no one could excuse Pat from missing any school whatsoever for any reason, whatsoever and threatened to have Pat taken away if he missed any school, for any reason at all. In between that and the next meeting she ordered Pat removed because he wasn't making it to the physical therapy sessions which she herself ordered he not make. . . seriously, HUMONGOUS bitch. And then at the last meeting when my parents were begging her to get the school [who ever since Pat got removed insist they don't have to do anything to teach him which is actually SO drastically illegal I could probably go through and source the 7 state and at least 19 federal laws they're breaking -- laws the judge is supposed to be upholding and isn't don't forget.] to do SOMETHING by way of sending Patrick tutors or make-up work or at least SOMETHING; then insisted that Patrick's medical needs should come first. I really cannot stress enough how evil, conniving flat-out biggest bitch EVER she is) and ordering that it should be looked into whether Laura and Brian should ALSO be removed from such a dangerous environment.

That last part is why I'm so stressed and frustrated now. When it was just Pat I somehow was dealing and had hope that it would get fixed (as, after all, the judge is a bitch, not even FOLLOWING the law, and 5 sets of organizations are against her, including the DSS, the Massachusetts DOE, psychiatrists, doctors, Children's Hospital, the CFIDS organization.... you get the picture.) But now, even though there's a new judge tomorrow (because she DID step down -- which actually has the double-edged effect that because she did it only after continuing to make things worse that then nothing could be fixed about it because there was no judge actually on the case until the next court meeting AND now because of the added insanity any rational thinking judge will actually look at all her orders and think that there really IS something going on or else she wouldn't have ordered all this insanity -- something that's usually considered a last resort at that. *sigh*) if he does do a complete 180 and go "omg... what a bitch. Wtf was she thinking?" and continues with her plans in place (or doesn't stop them) then Brian and Laura will also be leaving tomorrow. (I don't remember if I mentioned yet but the next court meeting is actually in like 4 hours.... hence my stressing out)

Now let's go back into the DSS; Tuesday they had this enormous meeting with my parents, my grandparents (since they put Pat in my gradnparent's care) and so many people you'd think it was a funeral. No kidding. It's like my brother's case is top priority in the DSS right now... which is a bit reassuring since they REALLY hate what this judge was doing (the bitch judge actually told the DSS last meeting to take Pat away from my grandparents as well but they didn't do it because they already think she's massively fucked up and should be put down for rabies but are able to get away with it without losing their heads because they can hold the new judge up for responsibility instead and until HE says Pat has to leave my grandparents' they won't be taking him) and they REALLY don't want to have any of my sibs removed from the family. Furthermore; they actually recognize that CFIDS and Fibro Myalgias are no more illegitimate illnesses than cancer is and H-E-L-L-O THE UNTIED STATES CONGRESS has come out SAYING that they're real chronic VERY debilitiating illnesses and that is why CFS and FM patients can get disability (and do.) Anyways, they've got all their top people (and let me explain there was like 40 DSS people in the meeting according to my parents -- and usually at these kinds of things you get the one case worker, and maybe one or two or more if it's a particularly tricky case) in defense of my parent's situation and a whole bunch of literally impartial people came out saying that both the judge and the school system REALLY seemed to have it in for my family and that this entire thing has been severely mis-managed. So with all that DSS support in the case tomorrow, (not to mention on top of all the many doctors and psychologists) that should certainly have an impact.

Oh and get this: *evilly malicious grin* Patrick's school was ALSO supposed to be at the meeting in order to organize something with the DSS to get him school not only now but also to arrange for summer school (since his school has already said that they're going to fail him in every single subject no matter what) since he has to have some sort of car arrangements now that thanks to them he's in Andover -- 55 minutes away from Westborough. And they didn't show up. I know I'm being particularly evil and rather malicious in delighting in this MAJOR mistake on their part but seriously. BIG BIG BIG No-no. When the DSS or a judicial court organizes a meeting and orders you to be there, you had BETTER be there.

I've never actually taken delight at seeing someone else mess up before. Part of me actually feels guilty and yet.... they so MUCH deserve it! AND it's massive ammunition my parents can hold up to prove what a bunch of assholes they are (not nearly as much as the bitch-queen, they're just plain jerks, mostly because of their situation where they're very desperate and thus doing mean things in order to try keeping their jobs. The judge didn't have to do anything but actually follow the law, be logical, smart and serve justice as IS her job... she's just a bitch) Although... occording to the DSS, Westborough is NOTORIOUS for doing this. The DSS already doesn't like Westbrough school systems. And as I said; ESPECIALLY the middle school people.

On a middle school note, my Mom has actually decided when/if everything gets all settled and things go back to "normal" she's actually going to home school Brian through 7th and 8th grade because of what a bunch of assholes they are. The rest of the school people are mostly livable and will at least be rational... The middle school though. . . well they're the kind of people who will run out to your car, cling to your window and demand that you come in to go to the school for classes; even as you're off to go an endoscopy (where they shove a camera down your throat) because it turns out you have an ulcer. Oh! And apparently they also think that 1/8th of the entire United States population is lazy/school-phobic/wimps just because they have migraines. And yes. More than 1/8th of the United States has severe migraines twice a month or more. I, of course, am in that ridiculous percentage of those who can't seem to STOP having migraines ;) In any case she figures (and many many people agree... even those who generally think my Mom is 100% over-reacting to all the school things, even my Dad's side of the family who are almost as bitchy as that judge *cough*, and all sorts of counselors and psychologists, and case-workers etc) that if Brian were to wind up at Gibbons with his problems the way they are now (with the off-the-handle temper tantrums, and ADHD total spaceyness and almost completely inability to read) they would just outcast him and torture him in all sorts of horrible ways. As it is his school counselor is borderline there already (don't ask.)

I actually look foward to it. I can help out with 7th and 8th grade work much easier than doing my own (for one thing I've already DONE 7th and 8th grade work) and I can do all sorts of English stuff with him and given that he can already do 9th grade algebra I totally think I could get him to help me out with my math.... Maybe not though. I've got a feeling that as I'm good at Geometry and lousy at algebra (logic = good, mathematics = bad) Brian will probably be the opposite *shrug* oh well. That still leaves English :D :D :D And you KNOW I'd make a kick-ass English teacher for my little bro. I'm good at it AND I won't force him through that god-awful 8th grade material where every single piece is about death. Plus poetry will be oodles of fun.

And now I'm exhausted. I was exhausted 3 hours ago but my mind wouldn't let me sleep until I'd had a good cry and done some venting. See what I mean about writing? I feel completely better already. I mean like 100%! Not even a scrap of doubt or upsetness or anything left behind. I'm confident, happy (albeit sleepy) and resting assured that God will take care of things.

As it is, I've got a good feeling that there's actually a lot of GOOD reasons this may have happened. I may sound crazy but I really do think God had this happen to us specifically because he knew all the situations were right where my parents would get picked on (because of the extenuating circumstances and all the rest) but at the same time that they're so well-educated, so intelligent, and so loving of their kids that in doing so it's like poking a sleeping dragon in the eye and now they've got a greater ability to make sure it doesn't happen again to OTHER kids. Not to mention me. You can bet I'll be working over the next course of my entire lifetime to see to it that the children's judicial system is changed. Most significantly by implementing juries.

Remember when I said earlier I've really actually come to grips with my CFIDS thing? Well I don't look at it as a blessing (I've been told time and time again people should look at their problems as a blessing and be thankful them. I'm not kidding about that btw. I really have been told that.) but in the past I couldn't see ANY good ever coming from it. After all, all the things I do best that most contribute to the better of the world (not to mention the things for my own life) I could no longer do. But now. . . It's like I can see good coming from all of this. It was pretty gradual actually, I mostly had to reach a point first where I could see even just a temporary good and then a very gradual long-lasting good and now I can see greater good.

For instance, my Dad getting CFS.... He may have gotten it because God knew that without him getting it Patrick and I wouldn't have been at all prepared and my parents wouldn't have understood it. And my getting it may be because I'm so very vocal about things, AND political too so I've already been doing what I can to make sure people not only know about it's existence but understand what it really does to people, and when/if I get better I'll still be really politcally active about it because I don't want other people going through misgreviances, and even if I don't get all or mostly better even just EVER, I can still really help out the CFIDS community and be politically involved. And Patrick's getting it could be so that the school would drag him to court and this entire thing would come up and so we can stop the middle school from doing some of their purely evil things (I do not use the term evil lightly by the way, I could go into specifics of the OTHER cases... but I won't. Just take my word for it) and to wake up the DOE to them, the DSS to this and me to see how even screwier this section of the judicial system is than the rest and so now I'll be sure to try to do something about it.

Bad things happen, it's just life. To me, I've got a lot of GOOD things going for me so maybe this is my karmic way of actually being able to pay for it ;) In any case what I think most people don't understand is that God doesn't prevent bad things from happening; what he does is take any bad situations and still make good come from it. Now that's REAL power if you ask me.

And you may think I'm crazy for all of this but see how I see it first. My brain works by connecting things. This to that to that to to that to that... and so on in all sorts of insane intricacies. This is what makes me understand books and stories so well, why I LOVE coming up with story plots and why certain mysteries are the easiest things in the world for me to solve. It's also why my best IQ results are actually in patterns -- even beyond that of my reading comprehension skills. It's like looking at puzzles pieces and knowing they just happily fit together naturally. Now when I go through and my brain just automatically shuffles it all and sits in my head, IMMEDIATELY all the webby patterns leap out at me and you can think whatever you want, but if you went through and looked at every single piece of evidence of what's going on you can come up with all sorts of reasons (bad genetics leads to all sorts of disorders amongst kids, leads to problems in school and health etc. etc.) but even THEN there's too much conincidence going on to JUST be pure conincidence.

And this time I really am just leaving it there. I may or may not post again after the next court happening but in any case, this was nice. I feel me again and with no emotions running the show, just me :)