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Sep. 17th, 2006 05:00 pmI hate being allergic to everything. I hate having CFIDS. I nearly broke down crying yesterday outside of the Empire State Building because I tried SO hard to withstand it up to then and then halfway through the LONG set of infinite lines I couldn't do it... I was falling over, Kyle's grandmother literally had to catch me, my head was on fire and all I was trying to do was not cry.
I hate crying in public. I hate it so much. And then just sitting outside I just kept trying to remember everything I'm happy about because there is a TON. It's been by far the best birthday of my life and I'm so grateful to Kyle and his family. I just hate being a damper. I want to be the best health I can but sadly that WAS the best and the fact that it doesn't seem enough grates on me worse than anything else could.
I was this depressed when I first realized I wasn't going to be able to completely finish 10th grade and they were going to keep me back. For the first time in my life my trying my hardest wasn't "enough." And everyone informs me, trying my hardest IS always enough, but it's not. It wasn't enough to keep me up with my friends, it wasn't enough to keep them from falling apart from each other, and it's not even enough to keep me from crying from the sheer shame of being weak.
I know that's insane. I have nothing to be ashamed of because I AM following my morals to the letter of the law and if anything as an ex-workaholic my bigger problem lies in falling back into those problems and maybe that's why I blame myself. And it gets even more retarded because I mad at myself for blaming myself and feel guilty for feeling ashamed and does the cycle ever stop?!
Meh. Okay. I don't hate myself anymore. Just... frustrated. I don't know what to do. I'm allergic to ... everything and there's nothing I can do about it. And I hate people not getting it. It's not their fault, it makes no sense, and it's rough and I know that but I don't doubt people when they're sick. If people get cancer people don't insist it's psychological and the doctor who does needs to be sued. I don't know... I do know actually. It's people being subconciously frustrated and horrified at the idea that there's something so horrible that they can't do anything about it (same with drug/poor problems) but I'm sick of trying to be lenient on the blame the victim idea. It doesn't work and the sooner people acknowledge that the better the world will be.
I just need some rest. And to chill. And some hugs from Kyle.
I hate crying in public. I hate it so much. And then just sitting outside I just kept trying to remember everything I'm happy about because there is a TON. It's been by far the best birthday of my life and I'm so grateful to Kyle and his family. I just hate being a damper. I want to be the best health I can but sadly that WAS the best and the fact that it doesn't seem enough grates on me worse than anything else could.
I was this depressed when I first realized I wasn't going to be able to completely finish 10th grade and they were going to keep me back. For the first time in my life my trying my hardest wasn't "enough." And everyone informs me, trying my hardest IS always enough, but it's not. It wasn't enough to keep me up with my friends, it wasn't enough to keep them from falling apart from each other, and it's not even enough to keep me from crying from the sheer shame of being weak.
I know that's insane. I have nothing to be ashamed of because I AM following my morals to the letter of the law and if anything as an ex-workaholic my bigger problem lies in falling back into those problems and maybe that's why I blame myself. And it gets even more retarded because I mad at myself for blaming myself and feel guilty for feeling ashamed and does the cycle ever stop?!
Meh. Okay. I don't hate myself anymore. Just... frustrated. I don't know what to do. I'm allergic to ... everything and there's nothing I can do about it. And I hate people not getting it. It's not their fault, it makes no sense, and it's rough and I know that but I don't doubt people when they're sick. If people get cancer people don't insist it's psychological and the doctor who does needs to be sued. I don't know... I do know actually. It's people being subconciously frustrated and horrified at the idea that there's something so horrible that they can't do anything about it (same with drug/poor problems) but I'm sick of trying to be lenient on the blame the victim idea. It doesn't work and the sooner people acknowledge that the better the world will be.
I just need some rest. And to chill. And some hugs from Kyle.
