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Feb. 17th, 2007 01:26 amHow do you apologize to someone for your existence in their life?
I've always believed in the It's A Wonderful Life attitude and ideal that every single person's life touches and affects so many others in a good way that to even remove one unravels so much and only creates ruin.
But what if you're simply being acknowledged by another person causes them pain and anguish? And all you want to do is stop it and you don't know how. . .
I thought I could handle it. I was getting better, it was long distance and we were already meeting as friends, so I could handle it... But I don't know that I am. It's awful to see someone you love in pain, it's worse to know you're the cause of it.
And there's no way out. If I go north, it's worse. East is a dead-end, West is nowhere at all and South is just back at worse again. I can't break up (not that I'd ever in a million years want to but if it saved him the heartache I would), kill myself (meh), stay here or go there.
So, God, you'd better have a pretty damn good reason for making stuck here with a mystery migraine from out of the blue that I can't place or follow or I will. . . well it's an empty threat? What can I do?
I wish I could make him happy. I wish I could make him laugh. If I had one wish right now it would just be to always always be able to make him laugh in joy. I think I wouldn't have to worry about anything else in my life if I could do that. That one, single most ever important goal to me. I'd give up all and everything to do that.
Tears are healing, and without the sorrows we cannot appreciate the joys. But without the joys, you can't appreciate them either.
I don't know what to do. I'm only mortal. I'm not as smart as I try to be, I'm not as wise as I hope. I cannot save the world but I'd settle just for making him happy.
I'm sorry.
I've always believed in the It's A Wonderful Life attitude and ideal that every single person's life touches and affects so many others in a good way that to even remove one unravels so much and only creates ruin.
But what if you're simply being acknowledged by another person causes them pain and anguish? And all you want to do is stop it and you don't know how. . .
I thought I could handle it. I was getting better, it was long distance and we were already meeting as friends, so I could handle it... But I don't know that I am. It's awful to see someone you love in pain, it's worse to know you're the cause of it.
And there's no way out. If I go north, it's worse. East is a dead-end, West is nowhere at all and South is just back at worse again. I can't break up (not that I'd ever in a million years want to but if it saved him the heartache I would), kill myself (meh), stay here or go there.
So, God, you'd better have a pretty damn good reason for making stuck here with a mystery migraine from out of the blue that I can't place or follow or I will. . . well it's an empty threat? What can I do?
I wish I could make him happy. I wish I could make him laugh. If I had one wish right now it would just be to always always be able to make him laugh in joy. I think I wouldn't have to worry about anything else in my life if I could do that. That one, single most ever important goal to me. I'd give up all and everything to do that.
Tears are healing, and without the sorrows we cannot appreciate the joys. But without the joys, you can't appreciate them either.
I don't know what to do. I'm only mortal. I'm not as smart as I try to be, I'm not as wise as I hope. I cannot save the world but I'd settle just for making him happy.
I'm sorry.
