(no subject)

I'm depressed.

I think it's just because of the "getting better effect". My old system is being completely torn apart and replaced bit by bit and lord knows it's doing odd things to me. Boobs are one thing but going to bed one night completely free of fm pain in the legs and arms all better a week later is staggering. Nice but strange. I hadn't been pain free there for over 5 years.... at all. They just always were in some degree of hurt.

And the part, of course, driving me crazy is that I'm not all better yet. I'm GETTING there but that means now more than ever I have to make sure I don't run off and do something stupid like situps.

I CRAVE those sit-ups. I want to put my feet under my couch and do crunches for HOURS.

But that'd be dumb even if I was better because even a normal healthy person would get sick after that.

And I want to write -- which perhaps is what's making me the most depressed of all. For the first time in YEARS I can re-visualize all my old books stuff and it doesn't hurt. But I can't WRITE it. So it sits there in my head. And sure, that is by far my favorite part of writing but it's no good unless it gets on paper. And NOT writing makes me depressed. Especially when a part of me says, "But I'm HEALTHIER now!!!" because usually I just can't see enough to write and hell, with the storm systems going through, that happened often enough this week too.

I mean right now, it's ironic. I'm torn between extremely happy that my legs don't hurt and my arms don't ache but miserable because my world is spinning, I'm nauseous, and I want to curl in a ball and cry.

I'm better and it means nothing.

And maybe that's how it goes. I mean when I get ALL better, I'll still get migraines now and again and I can only hope they just go down to a nice happy level of non-daily. And the what-ifs do no good because they're unlikely anyways. But I'm still so scared. Even WITH getting better, even though I'm excited to death that I AM getting better, I'm so afraid it'll be a fluke and that I'll face 10 years of setbacks and never ever get to achieve what I want, what I NEED.

Am I still so addicted to accomplishment? Can people like me ever truly LEARN their lessons? 5 years of learning to cool the workaholicism and I'm extremely depressed this week for all the same fucking reasons I was when I started off the CFIDS.

1) I don't want to play games. I want to work.
2) I USED to be able to withstand and ENJOY games the way I want to/used to but after a point all I crave and desire is productivity and work and DOING something with meaning beyond a little pixel trophy and "woot I completed another game." So WHY can I be happy with it sometimes and not others?
3) I can't even be there for the people I love. I can't do the dishes for my Mom, now that my food range has CONSIDERABLY broadened (YAAAAAY) she's stuck almost constantly cooking and when I get bad/try to store up energy I'm hard to contact so Kyle can't find me.
4) I get sick of people. I don't KNOW why. I have theories ranging from "wolf-isms" (wherein I fear letting people see me at my worst sickest points because they could hurt me more easily -- something that I've ALWAYS had a problem with and Spaulding CERTAINLY worsened) and just that when I'm happy and doing well I like people and when I'm sad they make me sadder.

I want to work. A lot. I want to write. I want to be a secretary. I'd be a waitress or a librarian or a clerk, if there was something I could PHYSICALLY do, I'd do it. But there isn't right now. And I have to accept that. And usually I'm sort of ok enough that it doesn't make me want to curl into a ball and cry. So then why does it sometimes crash on me like a wave I miscalculated and if I struggle I drown, so why can't I just relax and float? Is it as simple as just the amount of time it takes? The more games I play, the faster I want to work? The more of the same game? What causes this little timer to tick?

And just the changes everything is going through is obviously going to have an emotional rollercoaster effect from all the hormones and chemicals and everything LITERALLY being turned upside down and sideways.

When I first got the CFIDS I was so afraid of everything because doing anything made me so sick. Sit-ups = hospital with an IV for several days and walking a couple hours = collapsed for weeks. Writing = migraines and general BAD things, food = dangerous and so on and so forth. Being in public had its own dangers what with perfumes and laundry detergents and god only KNOWS what that could spring on me at any second. And I over-compensated whenever possible with an added lack of caring about death and "bravery" in the face of anything like robbers/guns/instant death.

And I'm so sick of living in fear of everything. Fear of setbacks, fear of getting worse, fear of not being able to DO the millions of things I want to.

Everyone is afraid of something because otherwise they're dead. Fear keeps you from making mistakes, from killing yourself in stupid ways. My fears have their basis in experience and I know I just have to FIND the balance between not letting them stop me from achieving my goals but still listening to the voice of reason so I don't overdo it.

Ironically that is the entire theme of the first anime series I came up with. Both my parents go to extremes on pretty much everything but rationality in politics, life, everything lies moreso in the BALANCE -- which can be extremely difficult.

I feel happier again.

And given the quick change of emotions I'd wonder if it wasn't bipolar symptoms coming back (now that I've been off the meds so long etc.) but it's really just because Kyle came on, my emotions had their explosion and thus release and I'm really quite content again. Not "high" or strangely euphoric in an almost scary way (as was often/always the case with the bipolar) but happy in a "this is my usual state of being".

I feel stronger when I am protecting someone else. But this too must be kept in balance. I can try to save others and save myself in the process but I can't save them if I only sacrifice myself. It's easy to say "I will save you at the risk of myself" but it doesn't work well. You'll hurt yourself and then they're still in the same state as before. Even if it seems and feels all selfish and wrong, sometimes a LITTLE bit of looking after yourself is just necessary to help others. But if helping others is still your end goal, you'll do ok.

And I really do think you have to have a balance wherein you DO help others to succeed. Be it through morality, karma or just basic "herd instinct" necessiry where humans have to help each other out or perish, people suceed the best when they do. And no matter what you can't REALLY avoid it. You're always helping people in some ways you don't even know. But when you try to help people AND still keep reasonable goals and "self-interests" so that you don't get too far off mark that's when the magic can really happen. Yes, you're always serving self-interests too: by getting smiles or fame or respect etc. And that is why you need a balance. I'm sure the balance point is different for different people but I really do think everyone needs some balance of it.

(no subject)

Dog "racism" and why laws banning breeds aren't realistic:

"....Breeds of dogs can not be distinguished from each other by any known anatomical attribute or even biochemical genetic test, including DNA fingerprinting. Since a given breed of dog can not be defined by any scientific means currently known, our contention is that it is not possible to write any ordinance or law that would single them out for special treatment since they cannot be so defined in a legal sense. "Recently I attended a canine genetics workshop at Texas A & M University in which it was further emphasized that there is no biochemical genetic test that can even distinguish wolves from domestic dogs. "....I would taxonomically identify all wolves, wolf hybrids and domestic dogs as the species Canis lupus. Technically, the domestic dog and wolf hybrids should be designated as the sub-species "domesticus". I. Lehr Brisbin, Jr., Research Professor, Savannah River Ecology Laboratory, The University of Georgia. Letter, 30, Jan. 1990

-- If you can't genetically distinguish a pit bull from a mastiff you can't technically decide that a breed is more inclined to violent attacks based on genetics. It's all a matter of definitions. Granted, just as the descendent of a basketball player is going to be more inclined to be better at playing basketball, should he loathe it or never try it out, the skill would never be honed and mean nothing. That said, while you can prove descendents of violent rapists are statistically likely to be more violent than the rest of the population you cannot realistically isolate the effects of culture, society, and proper vs. improper raising.



And dogs vs. wolves, excerpt taken from here: http://www.lioncrusher.com/animal.asp?animal=35&page=4

"Recent genetic testing has proven that wolves and dogs are almost identical to each other genetically. However, though it may seem there are more differences between a toy poodle and a Great dane than between a wolf and a Siberian husky, this is not true. Toy poodles and Great danes are genetically identical, whereas wolves and dogs, though they are genetically the same species, have a few genetic differences. The most important genetic difference is a gene that codes for specific hormones that trigger adult behavior (territoriality, social bonds, dominance behaviors). These genes in dogs are not present, thus putting the dog in a permanent state of "puppyhood". Consider this: humans and chimpanzees share 98.4% of their genetic structure, yet there is no question of the differences in behavior and appearance. Though that may be a very small amount that differs, that small amount is what makes humans different than chimps. Likewise, that small portion of DNA in wolves is what makes them, behaviorally and physically, different than dogs. It only takes one strand of DNA to produce an entirely different behavioral sequence. This hormone in wolves causes them to act completely different from dogs. Their predatory instincts are several times greater than even the most wolf-like of dogs. Wolves also establish a hierarchy (dominant-submissive) within their pack early on. Once a wolf puppy reaches puberty, it starts to "challenge authority" to find its place in the pack. Wolves are rough with one another. Greeting ceremonies often involve muzzle biting and wrestling. Wolves also have deeper bonds with each other than dogs do. Wolves are also much more intelligent than dogs (wolves have 1/3 larger brain mass than dogs do), and can become bored easily and frustrated when its mind is not occupied. Wolves are very territorial by nature."

The last two sentences make me a wolf. Lately I've been going crazy about the lack of personal space, forgetting of course how extremely wolf-like I get sometimes. I know it must seem strange that I have this need to put everything about my behaviour into animal terms (and more often than not... wolves for obvious reasons) but I feel like I can better understand myself and others by doing so, and to be honest, it works. Anyways I just need to chillax and remember my pack has my back even if they are punks.