My Sister the Psycho

My sister is freaking out again. This is not big news, she regularly freaks out about 3 times a day or once every 1/2 hour that she's around. But that's actually been the accelerated rate of the past month which has been snowballing wildly out of control. This past month she has been MAJORLY freaked. Why? Well there are of course several answers to that, or more questions than answers. For instance, why does she do ANY of the things she does? Why does she spend 3 hours arguing about one chore that would take her 15-20 minutes? Why does she insist that she's "a cancer" and then go off and emotionally attack people -- like Patrick? And while there are answers to every single one of those questions, they're more like guesses than anything else and they still are not rational. But then, Laura is not a rational person.

My guess is that Laura has been freaking out more and more because she hates the situation at her school. This happens a lot. When one thing makes Laura upset she becomes a monster in all the other aspects of her life and also becomes depressed, self-loathing and just plain bitchy. It was like when I moved out of sharing a room with her for the next 3 months everything was like 15 times more peaceful. Ditto when she moved into Perkins (the school she now despises.) When Laura is having one "small" (obviously it is not small to her) problem it slowly grows bigger and bigger. In this case, Laura is now freaked out over her school/bus situation.

I'm not going to bother going into details because it's not worth it and it doesn't really matter in terms of this discussion. In short Laura is unhappy in school and taking it out on everyone at home. This leads to her self-loathing and depression as she begins to hate herself for being a monster to those she cares about and then she takes out all THOSE bas feelings on us once again, turning this into one of the most viscious cycles you'll ever come across. All because she dislikes a) her schoolbus and now b) her school. Again, none of this is by anyway logical. My sister is not a logical creature. In fact she is quite the opposite in virtually every single way. However, this is just how things work out.

This was about 85% of the last discussion that happened with Jeff. He also went into this thing about how I should attempt to be friends with her -- which I do not in anyway whatsoever wish to do. For as long as I can remember, my sister has been a monster. She purposely attacks/bullies people, and if not physically (which she does do) then at the very least emotionally. And while I'm not in any way singled out, I'm certainly not an exception to this. And quite frankly, I don't want to put up with it. I spend quite a bit of energy and time in the attempt of avoiding her at all costs and especially avoiding her MANY arguments and being picked on by her. The last thing I want to do is try to be friendly with her as I know that it will only lead to more spent energy, fights, and being either bullied or emotionally attacked. My sister is a brilliant person but she uses that intelligence only to manipulate and bully people. Which is, well... scary. To say the least. And the fact that I didn't want to even try to be friends with her made me feel guilty. Especially since Jeff then went into this thing about how it might help her etc. etc. And of course my parents tried to explain that this entire thing was crazy and I should not go off and put my own personal health in risk just to try to help someone who doesn't even want it, but nevertheless I felt guilty. But even above that guilt, I knew beyond any certainty that I did not want to put myself in a situation to be constantly attacked by her. And I guess my problem is, I don't know if that's wrong or not.

I get like this a lot. I try very hard to do what I think is right and all too often I just end up getting myself hurt. It's only worse now that I have CFIDS because there's about a million more things that I can't do. I think that's why very often I'm so dependent on my parents. Because even when I'm not sure what I should they usually do. My Dad has had Chronic Fatigue for the past 6 years now so between my two parents they have a good idea of what you can and can't do with it. So even when I'm recklessly running into danger, they're there to pick up the pieces and look out for me. Like my schoolwork. I originally wanted to take a full-course load this year but my parents refused to let me take more than 3 classes and as it is, I've been having enough trouble with just that. And in the case of Laura, they understand better than anyone that my sister is incredibly abusive -- even to my Mom. So when I moved into my brother's room, despite that being culturally strange in America, they supported me 100%.

Jeff does not understand my situation with Laura. He has been trying to convince me ever since I moved out to move back in. He doesn't understand how painful it is for me to have to be in just the same room with her for more than 1/2 an hour alone. He doesn't understand how much one person can go out of their way to be purposely obnoxious. He doesn't get how much better I sleep knowing that I'm not going to wake up to her SCREAMING at me (despite the fact that I have a migraine which = sound sensitivity.) about how terrible a person I am... even though I know the person she's REALLY screaming at is herself and the fact that she's actually jealous, it's still a little difficult to listen to 45 minutes of how much a bitch you are especially when you're accused of things you've never ever done, day after day after bloody day and not SNAP. And believe I used to snap quite a bit. When I became violent in 6th and 7th grade, it wasn't just because of bullies. It was because the person I really wanted to level was my sister and yet I never did because I felt pity for her. In my entire 14 years of taking abuse from her (she wasn't biting me till she was two) I've hit her exactly 5 times. Insane when you consider how many time I know I've been beaten up by her. And during that time I became so very violent it was one of the things where I was sick of it all. I was sick of being beaten up day after day by my sister, so when someone else came along and tried to do the same thing I'd simply snap.

It was like a Duncan Sheik song -- Good Morning

I wake to find the devil, sitting near my bed
We have a conversation, he says,

"Good morning Mr. Cut-throat,
These are most exciting times.
We are surrounded by fools and crooks,
Strangers that gives us dirty looks
Oh so many people to despise.
It's tearing you apart
You haven't got the heart
You sit there and complain,
It seems a little strange..."

"Good evening Mr. Turncoat,
You've been watching the so-called news
Well no news is good news
You don't want to confuse
The popular pusuit of absolute truth
Who has the time for such remote endeavors?
Wanna disappear, how did you end up here?
I don't mean to complain,
It seems a little strange..."

"Take me to your leader
I sure could use a laugh
I've hear he's made a new bird-feeder
And he sleeps in a birdbath
Who needs to join the circus,
Come on, just look around
We are surrounded by a bunch of fucking clowns
And they sing. . .

"La la la la la la la la la la"
They all sing, "La la la la la la la la la la"
We all sing, "La la la la la la la la la la"
Everybody sing, "La la la la la la la la la la"

It's tearing you apart.
You haven't got the heart.
You sit there and complain
It seems a little lame.

"Good morning Mr. Missin'Throat,
I sure do hope you remember our so-called terms."

-- Strange song, I know. But it seems VERY fitting. *sigh* So yeah. Jeff... *shakes head* He does his best. He really does think that by reparing my relationship with Laura it'll be better for the both of us. But he doesn't understand at all. How do you be friends with someone who beats on you as an emotional punching bag? If she wasn't my sister every counselor in the world would say to stop being friends with someone like that. As it is, some counselors can understand how bad it is and even they can appreciate why I completely try to avoid ANY interaction with her, nvm try to be her friend.

But it's like Holly. I always felt bad for her and to an extent I tried to be friendly towards her. But I simply could not extend myself to actually try to be her friend just because she reminded me too much of Laura. That is how bad my relationship with my sister is. I ALWAYS felt bad for Holly -- just as I always feel bad for Laura. But at what point do you have to say, "I give up, I cannot extend myself anymore than this." At what point did the Giving Tree give too much? Should I let myself become a stump just for the sake of another? My Mom always hated that story for that reason. She believed that the boy took far too much advantage of the tree and that a relationship should never go to the point where one person destroys themself for the sake of another. This is also a major Ayn Randian theme. (See Atlas Shrugged) And I want to believe that. But at the same time, I don't know if I should. I'm not generally a very religious person and I don't usually answer my questions WITH religious answers -- except when it comes to morals. And here I think, well Jesus gave up his life to forgive our sins. But that clearly isn't a clear-cut answer because couldn't I do more for a person by being myself and how can I do that if I "give" so much that I in effect destroy myself?

I don't know the answer. And this entire thing makes me cry all too often. I'm not even entirely sure why I'm writing it out for the whole world to see. I guess because I do not keep my life a secret and I cannot write something unless I actually expect people to read it. But as such, why write it? I'm not sure. I know that NO ONE else would write this much detail about something THAT incredibly presonal to them, but maybe it's because I want people to know it. I want them to be able read it and understand WHY I am the way I am. I don't want pity, sympathy, or even empathy. And I'm not entirely sure what I want. Maybe I just want it out there. I don't know. Maybe I just like writing -- even about things that are insanely personal and lately it's been hard to write about anything else.

I feel like adding another song. This one's for Laura.

Sad Girl by Moxy Fruvous

Sad girl, taking every cue from every ad girl
Hopelessness is easy when it's a fad, girl
And being good is only when you're a bad girl
Whoa sad girl, maybe you've got every reason in this mad world

Sad girl, showing there is nothing you want to be
Rejecting anyone who loves you truely,
And holding that expression like it's a duty
Whoa sad girl, what is it that makes you such a beauty?

Once in a while, to hold your head high would leave you a sell-out
Resigned to ask why, demoted to die
When everything that you've been told by any person that you hold
When any happiness and love will would give you every reason to lie

Sad girl, taking every cue from every ad girl
Depression is romantic when it's a fad girl
And being good is only when you're a bad girl
Whoa, sad girl, maybe you've got every reason in this mad world

Maybe sad girl, maybe you've got every reason in this mad world.

So yeah. They (being my sister, my Mom, Patrick, and Dad) finally stopped fighting. My guess is that my parents are now wondering what to do about my sister and how they can attempt to make her happier (they try too hard) and that Laura and Patrick are each stewing in their respective bedrooms. Brian has disappeared. Which is odd because he was finishing up his homework and planning to show my parents it so that he could play video games but he probably went off and hid from all the noise and just forgot to come back out when it was done -- oddly enough, he does that a lot.

And me? I'm on the downstairs computer. Alone in the peace and quiet -- however temporary it might be. It's nice really. It's twilight out (My new favorite time of the day, even though it's short) I've got Moxy Fruvous playing in my discman and I can sing as loud as I want and there's no one to object. Which is good because I frequently switch what octave I'm singing in unless it's broadway soundtracks (5 octave range baby, yeah!) and I've been told it doesn't sound that great from the other end. I should be finishing up the 1/3 of my short story that I have left but I don't feel like it. -- Again. But technically this whole journal thing was my Creative Writing teacher's idea in the first place (not that she reads them or anything, she just wants her students to do wanna-be free-writes like... every other day so we're all supposed to have a journal to write in, even though she doesn't at all check them or anything.)

I'm tempted to stop and play Baldur's Gate or something but because my computer had to have a whole bunch of parts replaced, I'd have to start all the games over (not to mention loading them and everything) and they all start off slowly (except IceWind Dale which drags a long time in the middle instead) and I'm not entirely sure I want to go through the whole loading, making characters, and beginning process. But then, there's a lot of things I kind of feel like doing and at the same time, nothing in particular at all.

It's supposed to snow tonight. I'm glad. It was cloudy-ish when I woke up and now everything seems to be white-washed in fog. (Mostly because it's the darker end of twilight) It's pretty actually. I love fog; and drizzly weather -- those are my favorite types of weather in the world. I love weather in general but not so much sunny days except on rare occasions. It just seems that sunny days are too mild/dull and don't have enough. . . "personality" to them. And I'm really looking foward to snow tonight. For most of this winter so far I've been very anti-snow (which is unusual for me but very much due to the fibro-myalgias) but tonight it seems like the whole town could use a nice white fluffy "cleansing" white wash. It won't last but since I'm up at screwy hours, I'll hopefully get to see my street all blanketed before it gets messed up.

I'm now in a very good, peaceful mood. Lately (for the past week precisely) that seems to happen a lot. There've just been a lot of pockets of total peace and tranquility where I feel very... enlightened/happy/peaceful. It's a good thing. It's like, being part of everything and noticing every single thing around me. And I mean REALLY noticing, and just sort of sucking it all in and enjoying it. Actually... now that I think about it and try to describe it. I used to be like this all the time about 2-3 years ago. This is me being in love with life. And while it's been happening usually at night when I'm all alone, it used to happen when I was outside blowing bubbles and writing. I just haven't been like this for the past year or so because of the Chronic Fatigue. I wonder what brought it back? And again, while I don't really think of myself as being all that spiritual or religious, these are the times I feel closest to God. Like I can feel during these moments Him all around me. Strange... I'd been wondering what made it go away for a long time and now that it's back, it feels while still really good, even stranger.
Oh well, :)

So I'm done with griping now. While I can still remember all the reasons I'm upset and all the things I'd normally complain about to well, myself mostly, at the moment none of it really seems to matter. So I'm out. I still don't feel like doing my short story but I want to finish up my cd so maybe I will load IceWind Dale or BG1 or 2 onto my comp. We'll see.

And next time I need to remember to mention my cousin Katie and Dean/democratic primaries. I've been avoiding the whole political thing lately (despite the fact that I'm VERY politically involved generally) because I felt it would just be a way of hiding from my other problems, but now that those are all out in the open I can go back to a refreshing entry about politics. Yay. :) So yeah. TTFN