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I feel lonely. There's probably hundreds of reasons why. After all, there's an obvious decreas in my human interaction because I'm sick and just out of the world wide loop. But for every reason I come up with, it doesn't really explain away the simple fact that I am lonely and I miss having friends to hang out with. Scratch that. I miss more the ability to hang out with people -- for whatever reason.
It's strange. For years now I've been whining about how I never get to have any time to myself or my own space and now that I have it, it makes me depressed and crave humanity. I've always been the type of person to get lonely easily. All my favorite things to do are things that you do alone but I'm so used to doing them while trying to ignore the rest of the world that when they disappear I actually miss it.
I know why that is though. I like to make order from chaos. More like my own little pockets of order. In general I thrive on the chaos but only in that I give it order and balance. For instance, I can live with my bedroom being a complete disaster area as long as I have one controlled place -- in this case my bed. And if that one control place is messed up well then all is lost. But while I still have that pocket of balance, the rest of it can be as chaotic as other people make it. Even my bureau is like that. Most of it is a mess but I keep one section of it orderly. This isn't to say that I dislike having everything be orderly, I do like it, the only problem is that then I find it harder to achieve balance because I'm used to overworking one small section and when eveyrthing is more ordered then I have to adjust by smoothing out everything in general.
I'm not entirely sure if what I just said will make any sense to anyone else but it succinctly explains my mental balance in this family. I actually thrive off sitting in one corner of a room, typing away, half-blocking out the background with headphones, while all the rest of the world (or at least my household) falls apart around me. I don't know why. Maybe I just adapted from years of doing this. Years? heh... feels like my entire life. When I was 4 till I was 6 it was my swingset. Whenever something happened that I didn't like or just seemed too tense I'd go outside and swing. When I was 7 I'd go climb trees with a book. When I was 8 I started carrying around a book (or several) and a walkman everywhere and I'd try to hide from Laura and her fights with my Mom. It's not so much as a physical place but simply a mental withdrawness. And I create my little pockets of order to fight the chaos.
Actually for a while I was creating my own chaos just so I could attempt to fix things once more. That doesn't make any sense and at the time I wasn't aware I was doing it, afterwards though I noticed and decided not only was it unneccessary but probably crazy.
Granted these past 2 days I've felt really crazy. And not fun crazy. Real crazy. The not fun kind. But at least I can tell when things DO go crazy. It's like being sucked into a Picasso picture, it all feels warped. I hate those pictures. But at least when I do get sucked in, I know it IS warped and will eventually go away. I really think my meds are out of control. But at the same time I'm supposed to keep taking them till at least Thursday. I almost called my doctor about it yesterday but I figured I'd wait it out and it didn't really get bad till last night. (And today.) But the problem with something like that is knowing if it really is the meds or all the reasons you FEEL upset, or if it's some other random thing thrown in the mix. However, judging by these past two days I've been somewhat manic depressive -- which would more or less be the opposite end of what this particular med in question is supposed to do.
Heh. It's funny. Originally I'd intended this journal to be more of a scrapbook of thoughts, my days events and general opinions but it's become a lot more and more about my feelings and how my life is a chaotic spinning top of doom. Maybe I'm lonelier than I thought.
Maybe Greg's right. Maybe I just need a week out in CA. I just looked up the price a round-trip airline ticket, only $250. Not bad. Now all I have to do is get something published. . .
I do not like being lonely. Above and beyond the fact that no one likes to be lonely just as no one rational actually wants to be sad; I don't like being lonely because I desperately want to be independent. There are so many ways in which I cannot be independent that I'm constantly trying to find at least one way or another somewhere. In this case, it seems very much like a failure to be dependent on having human interaction especially considering the nature of independence in the first place.
But at the same time, I know that I cannot overcome my need for having people to actually listen to me and my ideas and hang out with me and be my friend. And the only way to get rid of the loneliness is to go be social, but nevertheless it still feels very much like a failure. Even moreso when I consider that just now I feel almost abandoned by my friends.
I really like this cd. (Duncan Sheik) Just to share that. I've been listening to it a lot today and it fits my almost but not quite melancholy mood.
And now I feel quite normal again. Well except for the extreme cluster headache (the most painful but other than light sensitivity, not so bad side-affects wise.) This whole mood-swing thing is REALLY getting on my nerves.
Oh yay -- it's Good Morning. (See last entry below) Which is now my favorite song on the whole cd. It just has a crooning lullabye sort of tone to it combined with subtle lyrics. The lyrics themselves remind me a lot of the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. That was a good book. Extremely well written but one of those things that I can only handle in small doses at a time -- like Dilbert comics. Because otherwise if I try reading too much of it at once I get into this certain cynical-devil mindset. Which is sort of C.S. Lewis' point but not quite. Like with the Dilbert comics if I read too many at once (like an hours worth) it's like I take too much of the author back with me. Do not enjoy that. That's why I don't like Mad About You (the tv show.) When I watch it, I get sucked a little too much into that point of view. Wow... that probably sounds very crazy but it really is true for me. Maybe my mindset is too fragile. That would explain much about the last two nights and why I keep falling into short bouts of depression and then feel normal again, and then manic but that's beside the point.
I like C.S. Lewis. He's something like my 3rd favorite author. (Behind R.A. Salvatore and Shakespeare) I actually did a huge report on him last year for my AP English class. I still have that file somwhere.... *pulls it up* Not bad for my first REAL paper. I never did a grade back on it though... I wonder how I did... or would have done? Yeah, C.S. Lewis is currently the only Christian writer I really respect. While Salvatore and Tolkein were also Christian I do not count them because they haven't written any books on religion, theology or christianity themselves. They more slip their views into their fantasy books, which while I like, doesn't quite count and was not nearly as extensive as C.S. Lewis' attempt at putting Christiantiy into a fantasy series (Narnia Chronicles.) And I respect C.S. Lewis but not other Christian writers (of those I've so far read anyways) because he argues intelligently using actual logic and yet still a writer's creativity. Bravo C.S. Lewis.
Wait, I just said bravo.... I haven't done that in a long time. I always say something like "kudos." And while I'm not actually going to go back through and read this (oddly enough I can type and read things while I type them but if I tried to go back and read it or read anything else but conversation type, it all blurs together and makes my head swim. Damn these migraines.) I have a feeling I've been speaking more intelligently than I usually do, and with less slang. *pauses and collects and then analyzes thoughts* Hmmm interesting. I wonder why I can linguistically think clearly enough to use the full extent of my writing range yet I can't even READ what I've written because it makes my head hurt. And come to think of it, I think I'm only HALF being intelligent. The other half is probably my normal "dude-yo" self. I wonder how my grammar's been seeing as how it's frequently quite atrocious as I both forget and don't bother very much with making it perfect. Hey look! There I go again... It's not so much the words themselves I think; it's more the combination of the words in a certain order. It makes them sound more sophisticated? Meh I will REALLY have to read this tomorrow now. Either that or someone reading this can check for me and tell me if this entire paragraph was just crazy talk or if it was actually true.
Anyhow -- C.S. Lewis. Good author. I think I like him so much because his essential thinking is exactly like mine. Creative-Intuitive: Creative but also logical. Lately I've been putting a lot of store into logic in general. Possibly too much, but it's hard to say really. I blame my Dad. All those times when I as little that he took me out for Ice cream to have talks with me (about everything in the world) he really impressed this value of intelligence. But it's more like the idea that logic IS intelligence and without correct logic you have failed intelligence. So when I look at things, I usually look at them from a logical point of veiw. (Many people would argue this and say that I'm highly illogical and this entire thing is insane; but they'd be wrong. :P) Like my religion.
Around 10th grade I had another, "What exactly do I believe?" faith crisis and so I went and re-analyzed all my views and rebuilt them from a logic standpoint. Interestingly enough, I was amazed to find a year later that I ended up with nearly the exact same point of view as C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity. (Which I read for aforementioned paper I wrote on C.S. Leiws) So reading the book while not giving me my opinions, certainly cemented them. Sorry, I'm making a big deal over this because someone back when insisted that a) I had no real view and b) that I only believed what I'd been told to believe since childhood. I hate that. As I said during that particular argument, I having been doubting my religion since I was in 3rd grade and every single one of my views is based in what is purely logical to me and if someone disagrees, perhaps it is their logic not mine that is internally flawed. :raspberry:
Yeah I love that book -- Mere Christianity I mean. For a while I thought it might just be that I shared the same views as C.S. Lewis because my Dad, who undoubtedly HEAVILY influenced every single one of my beliefs on EVERYTHING, is a huge C.S. Lewis fan and also agrees with him. But when I sat down and thought about it (which YES, I did do, for quite a long bit actually) the only thought that my Dad impressed on me that was reflected in that book was the idea that by logically thinking through something (such as religion) one come up with the best/true answer. This is because my Dad spent much more time on the finer points of Catholicism and politics than the very basics of Christianity.
Where was I going with this? There was some sort of point I was trying to make but it's like I just made two long shoestrings of thought and instead of finishing and wrapping them into the intended bow, I tangled myself in them. Hmmm.... Right then. Wait.... maybe I didn't have a point. *attempts to think back train of thought* Okay let's see.... C.S. Lewis = good author; similar thinking patterns to my own -- Creative Intuitive, which caused us both to come up with the same views on religion... which is why I respect him as a Christian writer but no others.
Oh yes, there's my point! C.S. Lewis uses logic to support his arguments on Christianity but as of yet I haven't come across ANY other Christian writer to do so. They use arguments that often don't make a lot of sense or would have absolutely no meaning unless you already believed in what they are saying. Actually now that I think of it, maybe C.S. Lewis is the same way? I just always doubt other Christian writers but because C.S. Lewis said all the things I already believe. . . meh I'm just spinning myself around into another confused loop. Apparently that's what happened the last time, I went into this big long about my Dad and um certain stupid people who can't argue their own atheism properly and refused to believe that I actually think for myself (just because I didn't agree with them...)
Yeah ok. I can be a little hypocritical when it comes to points of views. I have a tendency to believe my way is correct and anyone who can't see that must be daft and when they do the same thing it majorly pisses me off. Don't worry I'm working on it. I've had a lot of practice with holding my temper and opinions and accepting opposing views mostly due to Steve. Except with Steve, he comes to his conclusions rationally -- hey, that never gets back to him, ok? I will deny it. I have a migraine and words just spout from my mouth (or fingertips as the case may be) in an attempt to avoid thinking about the pain of the migraine. With Steve, I can understand (even if I don't agree with it) his point of view because he has given it quite a bit of thought and does try to think through things logically. Some other nameless people, who are never even going to read this anyways, though . . .
Hey! It's 5:10. I think I started this 2 hours ago. And I still don't feel remotely tired. Ok well now I'm yawning because I'm THINKING about it. But I STILL don't feel tired. If my head wasn't hurting so much now I'd be reading. Probably Ella Enchanted. I have a major craving for it. But possibly the Odyssey or the Illiad. Supposedly there's a major section in my Mythology class on that. (I'm SO excited) Hmmm.... Speaking of mythology I need to get a book on Japanese mythology. And possibly one on Norse myths. I saw this great book on that somewhere... not that I can remember where now. *eyeroll* Sure. I can skim through every memory I have of my Dad going out and all those fun little conversations and summarize what was said and not said but I can remember where I saw a book just a month ago? No of course not.
This song bugs me. There's this one spot where it sounds like one of my brothers as if they were sick calling out, "Mom?" very faintly and in the background and hardly detectable to anyone except to me. Well me because I'm paranoid and I have this Inuyasha ear thing going on where I'm constantly keeping an ear out for whatever's going on. (Especially people in distress or calling out my name.) That's ok, there's this one part on my Moxy Fruvous Loud Noise cd where it sounds like my Dad coming down the stairs and in a kind of garbled way saying, "Christine, what time is it? Go to bed." Which he never ever says of course because I make my own hours and more or less have since 2nd grade. It's just this strange paranoia thing I have. I'm almost always expecting my Mom or my Dad to call for me. And if you think it's a recent developement because I keep thinking they'll need my help or something you'd be wrong. This has been going on since I was 3.
This is simply because in my house a person is reached by yelling out their name. So when I was little they might call me downstairs to leave to go somewhere (like the zoo or church or whatever) or if it was time for dinner etc. etc. etc. This is a normal every person thing so why it made me paranoid and I'm always expecting to be called I do not know. But I do remember being 3, upstairs playing with my stuffed animals (I had a lot of them and that was all I did on my own until I taught myself to read) and thinking I'd heard my parents calling me, going downstairs, asking why they called me, only to find out they hadn't. That is why the story of ... wait what's his name? Okay, prophet in the bible thinking his master (senior prophet) had called him and he kept going to him until finally his master told him that it was God calling him. Well yeah um... that's my favorite church story. Along with the Here I Am Lord. Oh help me out Leanne. It's not Elijah?
Why can't I remember the names in this?! I can remember being 3 and having this happen, frequently even. And I can remember the specific details of it happening... me with my two biggest white teddy bears (one from each set of my grandparents as 2 year old birthday presents) and hugging the fluffier one and holding the other one by the hand and then attempting to run down the stairs. . . and yeah nvm. That is just maddening. Stupid migraine. I blame the migraines for all insanity in my life that Laura doesn't cause. O:)
So I think I might actually be getting tired now. I can't really tell to be honest. I just figure it's 5:40 and if I don't get to sleep now I'll have to try during daylight and that REALLY messes up my system. Besides, this journal entry while incredibly soothing both to my frazzled emotions and pounding head, is already ridiculously long. So adios for now. And congratulations for actually reading all of that insane psycho-babble.... Oh sure you can try to deny the facts and say that it wasn't babble or psychotic but we all know it was. ANYTHING I say during a migraine, however rational it might seem, is more or less insane psycho babble. Well no, not quite. Clearly I could still think -- to a degree. But you try figuring out which parts were just insanity and which parts were actually worthwhile thinking. Go on, I dare you.
It's strange. For years now I've been whining about how I never get to have any time to myself or my own space and now that I have it, it makes me depressed and crave humanity. I've always been the type of person to get lonely easily. All my favorite things to do are things that you do alone but I'm so used to doing them while trying to ignore the rest of the world that when they disappear I actually miss it.
I know why that is though. I like to make order from chaos. More like my own little pockets of order. In general I thrive on the chaos but only in that I give it order and balance. For instance, I can live with my bedroom being a complete disaster area as long as I have one controlled place -- in this case my bed. And if that one control place is messed up well then all is lost. But while I still have that pocket of balance, the rest of it can be as chaotic as other people make it. Even my bureau is like that. Most of it is a mess but I keep one section of it orderly. This isn't to say that I dislike having everything be orderly, I do like it, the only problem is that then I find it harder to achieve balance because I'm used to overworking one small section and when eveyrthing is more ordered then I have to adjust by smoothing out everything in general.
I'm not entirely sure if what I just said will make any sense to anyone else but it succinctly explains my mental balance in this family. I actually thrive off sitting in one corner of a room, typing away, half-blocking out the background with headphones, while all the rest of the world (or at least my household) falls apart around me. I don't know why. Maybe I just adapted from years of doing this. Years? heh... feels like my entire life. When I was 4 till I was 6 it was my swingset. Whenever something happened that I didn't like or just seemed too tense I'd go outside and swing. When I was 7 I'd go climb trees with a book. When I was 8 I started carrying around a book (or several) and a walkman everywhere and I'd try to hide from Laura and her fights with my Mom. It's not so much as a physical place but simply a mental withdrawness. And I create my little pockets of order to fight the chaos.
Actually for a while I was creating my own chaos just so I could attempt to fix things once more. That doesn't make any sense and at the time I wasn't aware I was doing it, afterwards though I noticed and decided not only was it unneccessary but probably crazy.
Granted these past 2 days I've felt really crazy. And not fun crazy. Real crazy. The not fun kind. But at least I can tell when things DO go crazy. It's like being sucked into a Picasso picture, it all feels warped. I hate those pictures. But at least when I do get sucked in, I know it IS warped and will eventually go away. I really think my meds are out of control. But at the same time I'm supposed to keep taking them till at least Thursday. I almost called my doctor about it yesterday but I figured I'd wait it out and it didn't really get bad till last night. (And today.) But the problem with something like that is knowing if it really is the meds or all the reasons you FEEL upset, or if it's some other random thing thrown in the mix. However, judging by these past two days I've been somewhat manic depressive -- which would more or less be the opposite end of what this particular med in question is supposed to do.
Heh. It's funny. Originally I'd intended this journal to be more of a scrapbook of thoughts, my days events and general opinions but it's become a lot more and more about my feelings and how my life is a chaotic spinning top of doom. Maybe I'm lonelier than I thought.
Maybe Greg's right. Maybe I just need a week out in CA. I just looked up the price a round-trip airline ticket, only $250. Not bad. Now all I have to do is get something published. . .
I do not like being lonely. Above and beyond the fact that no one likes to be lonely just as no one rational actually wants to be sad; I don't like being lonely because I desperately want to be independent. There are so many ways in which I cannot be independent that I'm constantly trying to find at least one way or another somewhere. In this case, it seems very much like a failure to be dependent on having human interaction especially considering the nature of independence in the first place.
But at the same time, I know that I cannot overcome my need for having people to actually listen to me and my ideas and hang out with me and be my friend. And the only way to get rid of the loneliness is to go be social, but nevertheless it still feels very much like a failure. Even moreso when I consider that just now I feel almost abandoned by my friends.
I really like this cd. (Duncan Sheik) Just to share that. I've been listening to it a lot today and it fits my almost but not quite melancholy mood.
And now I feel quite normal again. Well except for the extreme cluster headache (the most painful but other than light sensitivity, not so bad side-affects wise.) This whole mood-swing thing is REALLY getting on my nerves.
Oh yay -- it's Good Morning. (See last entry below) Which is now my favorite song on the whole cd. It just has a crooning lullabye sort of tone to it combined with subtle lyrics. The lyrics themselves remind me a lot of the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. That was a good book. Extremely well written but one of those things that I can only handle in small doses at a time -- like Dilbert comics. Because otherwise if I try reading too much of it at once I get into this certain cynical-devil mindset. Which is sort of C.S. Lewis' point but not quite. Like with the Dilbert comics if I read too many at once (like an hours worth) it's like I take too much of the author back with me. Do not enjoy that. That's why I don't like Mad About You (the tv show.) When I watch it, I get sucked a little too much into that point of view. Wow... that probably sounds very crazy but it really is true for me. Maybe my mindset is too fragile. That would explain much about the last two nights and why I keep falling into short bouts of depression and then feel normal again, and then manic but that's beside the point.
I like C.S. Lewis. He's something like my 3rd favorite author. (Behind R.A. Salvatore and Shakespeare) I actually did a huge report on him last year for my AP English class. I still have that file somwhere.... *pulls it up* Not bad for my first REAL paper. I never did a grade back on it though... I wonder how I did... or would have done? Yeah, C.S. Lewis is currently the only Christian writer I really respect. While Salvatore and Tolkein were also Christian I do not count them because they haven't written any books on religion, theology or christianity themselves. They more slip their views into their fantasy books, which while I like, doesn't quite count and was not nearly as extensive as C.S. Lewis' attempt at putting Christiantiy into a fantasy series (Narnia Chronicles.) And I respect C.S. Lewis but not other Christian writers (of those I've so far read anyways) because he argues intelligently using actual logic and yet still a writer's creativity. Bravo C.S. Lewis.
Wait, I just said bravo.... I haven't done that in a long time. I always say something like "kudos." And while I'm not actually going to go back through and read this (oddly enough I can type and read things while I type them but if I tried to go back and read it or read anything else but conversation type, it all blurs together and makes my head swim. Damn these migraines.) I have a feeling I've been speaking more intelligently than I usually do, and with less slang. *pauses and collects and then analyzes thoughts* Hmmm interesting. I wonder why I can linguistically think clearly enough to use the full extent of my writing range yet I can't even READ what I've written because it makes my head hurt. And come to think of it, I think I'm only HALF being intelligent. The other half is probably my normal "dude-yo" self. I wonder how my grammar's been seeing as how it's frequently quite atrocious as I both forget and don't bother very much with making it perfect. Hey look! There I go again... It's not so much the words themselves I think; it's more the combination of the words in a certain order. It makes them sound more sophisticated? Meh I will REALLY have to read this tomorrow now. Either that or someone reading this can check for me and tell me if this entire paragraph was just crazy talk or if it was actually true.
Anyhow -- C.S. Lewis. Good author. I think I like him so much because his essential thinking is exactly like mine. Creative-Intuitive: Creative but also logical. Lately I've been putting a lot of store into logic in general. Possibly too much, but it's hard to say really. I blame my Dad. All those times when I as little that he took me out for Ice cream to have talks with me (about everything in the world) he really impressed this value of intelligence. But it's more like the idea that logic IS intelligence and without correct logic you have failed intelligence. So when I look at things, I usually look at them from a logical point of veiw. (Many people would argue this and say that I'm highly illogical and this entire thing is insane; but they'd be wrong. :P) Like my religion.
Around 10th grade I had another, "What exactly do I believe?" faith crisis and so I went and re-analyzed all my views and rebuilt them from a logic standpoint. Interestingly enough, I was amazed to find a year later that I ended up with nearly the exact same point of view as C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity. (Which I read for aforementioned paper I wrote on C.S. Leiws) So reading the book while not giving me my opinions, certainly cemented them. Sorry, I'm making a big deal over this because someone back when insisted that a) I had no real view and b) that I only believed what I'd been told to believe since childhood. I hate that. As I said during that particular argument, I having been doubting my religion since I was in 3rd grade and every single one of my views is based in what is purely logical to me and if someone disagrees, perhaps it is their logic not mine that is internally flawed. :raspberry:
Yeah I love that book -- Mere Christianity I mean. For a while I thought it might just be that I shared the same views as C.S. Lewis because my Dad, who undoubtedly HEAVILY influenced every single one of my beliefs on EVERYTHING, is a huge C.S. Lewis fan and also agrees with him. But when I sat down and thought about it (which YES, I did do, for quite a long bit actually) the only thought that my Dad impressed on me that was reflected in that book was the idea that by logically thinking through something (such as religion) one come up with the best/true answer. This is because my Dad spent much more time on the finer points of Catholicism and politics than the very basics of Christianity.
Where was I going with this? There was some sort of point I was trying to make but it's like I just made two long shoestrings of thought and instead of finishing and wrapping them into the intended bow, I tangled myself in them. Hmmm.... Right then. Wait.... maybe I didn't have a point. *attempts to think back train of thought* Okay let's see.... C.S. Lewis = good author; similar thinking patterns to my own -- Creative Intuitive, which caused us both to come up with the same views on religion... which is why I respect him as a Christian writer but no others.
Oh yes, there's my point! C.S. Lewis uses logic to support his arguments on Christianity but as of yet I haven't come across ANY other Christian writer to do so. They use arguments that often don't make a lot of sense or would have absolutely no meaning unless you already believed in what they are saying. Actually now that I think of it, maybe C.S. Lewis is the same way? I just always doubt other Christian writers but because C.S. Lewis said all the things I already believe. . . meh I'm just spinning myself around into another confused loop. Apparently that's what happened the last time, I went into this big long about my Dad and um certain stupid people who can't argue their own atheism properly and refused to believe that I actually think for myself (just because I didn't agree with them...)
Yeah ok. I can be a little hypocritical when it comes to points of views. I have a tendency to believe my way is correct and anyone who can't see that must be daft and when they do the same thing it majorly pisses me off. Don't worry I'm working on it. I've had a lot of practice with holding my temper and opinions and accepting opposing views mostly due to Steve. Except with Steve, he comes to his conclusions rationally -- hey, that never gets back to him, ok? I will deny it. I have a migraine and words just spout from my mouth (or fingertips as the case may be) in an attempt to avoid thinking about the pain of the migraine. With Steve, I can understand (even if I don't agree with it) his point of view because he has given it quite a bit of thought and does try to think through things logically. Some other nameless people, who are never even going to read this anyways, though . . .
Hey! It's 5:10. I think I started this 2 hours ago. And I still don't feel remotely tired. Ok well now I'm yawning because I'm THINKING about it. But I STILL don't feel tired. If my head wasn't hurting so much now I'd be reading. Probably Ella Enchanted. I have a major craving for it. But possibly the Odyssey or the Illiad. Supposedly there's a major section in my Mythology class on that. (I'm SO excited) Hmmm.... Speaking of mythology I need to get a book on Japanese mythology. And possibly one on Norse myths. I saw this great book on that somewhere... not that I can remember where now. *eyeroll* Sure. I can skim through every memory I have of my Dad going out and all those fun little conversations and summarize what was said and not said but I can remember where I saw a book just a month ago? No of course not.
This song bugs me. There's this one spot where it sounds like one of my brothers as if they were sick calling out, "Mom?" very faintly and in the background and hardly detectable to anyone except to me. Well me because I'm paranoid and I have this Inuyasha ear thing going on where I'm constantly keeping an ear out for whatever's going on. (Especially people in distress or calling out my name.) That's ok, there's this one part on my Moxy Fruvous Loud Noise cd where it sounds like my Dad coming down the stairs and in a kind of garbled way saying, "Christine, what time is it? Go to bed." Which he never ever says of course because I make my own hours and more or less have since 2nd grade. It's just this strange paranoia thing I have. I'm almost always expecting my Mom or my Dad to call for me. And if you think it's a recent developement because I keep thinking they'll need my help or something you'd be wrong. This has been going on since I was 3.
This is simply because in my house a person is reached by yelling out their name. So when I was little they might call me downstairs to leave to go somewhere (like the zoo or church or whatever) or if it was time for dinner etc. etc. etc. This is a normal every person thing so why it made me paranoid and I'm always expecting to be called I do not know. But I do remember being 3, upstairs playing with my stuffed animals (I had a lot of them and that was all I did on my own until I taught myself to read) and thinking I'd heard my parents calling me, going downstairs, asking why they called me, only to find out they hadn't. That is why the story of ... wait what's his name? Okay, prophet in the bible thinking his master (senior prophet) had called him and he kept going to him until finally his master told him that it was God calling him. Well yeah um... that's my favorite church story. Along with the Here I Am Lord. Oh help me out Leanne. It's not Elijah?
Why can't I remember the names in this?! I can remember being 3 and having this happen, frequently even. And I can remember the specific details of it happening... me with my two biggest white teddy bears (one from each set of my grandparents as 2 year old birthday presents) and hugging the fluffier one and holding the other one by the hand and then attempting to run down the stairs. . . and yeah nvm. That is just maddening. Stupid migraine. I blame the migraines for all insanity in my life that Laura doesn't cause. O:)
So I think I might actually be getting tired now. I can't really tell to be honest. I just figure it's 5:40 and if I don't get to sleep now I'll have to try during daylight and that REALLY messes up my system. Besides, this journal entry while incredibly soothing both to my frazzled emotions and pounding head, is already ridiculously long. So adios for now. And congratulations for actually reading all of that insane psycho-babble.... Oh sure you can try to deny the facts and say that it wasn't babble or psychotic but we all know it was. ANYTHING I say during a migraine, however rational it might seem, is more or less insane psycho babble. Well no, not quite. Clearly I could still think -- to a degree. But you try figuring out which parts were just insanity and which parts were actually worthwhile thinking. Go on, I dare you.
